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User Topic: All Insight Welcome: Porn Star Sex
NikkiD
♀ Member
Member # 38173
Cool  Posted: 8:42 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, so in talking with the WS,he said its my fault that Im not "freaky" enough. That I am boring and not exciting. AND he would probably be right. My sexual experiences really started in college where I was also an All American Athlete...(you tell me which one you would put more focus on? I could give a shyt about a penis, I was trying to be an Olympian, that only happens every 4 years, Penis is EVERYWHERE).

BUT, it wasnt until a few weeks ago that he actually explained what he wanted in the bedroom. Mind you, Ive known him since the 7th grade, and not ONCE has he really done anything 50 Shades of Gray-ish. NOT ONCE. He said I should have figured that out. So I told him, you base what you want off an exprience you had with someone else. You never did anything extraordinary, and Im ok with that because I am a mentalist anyway. I dont get excited about random testicles. So if you want something extra, why didnt you lead the way on that?

He says he didnt feel like I was the type. So I said, well, if that is the type you like, WTF did you marry me if you werent willing to take the time to get me there? He said we have known each other for years...and I said, and only Married 3. I sorta figured Id save something for forever vs trying it out on mofos I dont give a damn about. I value my coo-coo too much for that. Im going to need payment to be porn star patty for a dude who aint paying my bills...Random romps dont get that kinda access.

He said he got ideas from movies too. I said, ok, but its a movie. In real life it doesnt alway go down like that. You are gonna be disappointed trying to compare your sexlife to a porno. Its embellished...just ilke when someone drowns in a movie and they are wailing and flailing their arms everywhere sending out the memo they are drowning. Welp, in real life, there is no flailing and that is why people die..because the folks on the shore are looking for ques they saw in a movie.


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has no clue about how things work in real life.

I had to shake my head at his statement that you "should have figured it out".

What...we are mind readers?????

Sounds like he's trying to blame you for his affair in a very Passive-Aggressive way.

What an ass.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6456 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BUT, it wasnt until a few weeks ago that he actually explained what he wanted in the bedroom. Mind you, Ive known him since the 7th grade, and not ONCE has he really done anything 50 Shades of Gray-ish. NOT ONCE. He said I should have figured that out. So I told him, you base what you want off an exprience you had with someone else. You never did anything extraordinary, and Im ok with that because I am a mentalist anyway. I dont get excited about random testicles. So if you want something extra, why didnt you lead the way on that?

I got the same thing from my STBXWW. It's all blameshifting bullshit. My STBX told me the OP and her just "got each other". They did all kinds of freaky shit. She didn't think I would be into it. Funny thing is every single thing they did, and I asked a ton of questions, we had done together in the past. She literally blocked that shit out and couldn't remember it. I laughed in her face when she told me the "they just got each other line". Just as you stated I am not a mind reader and if she wanted something different then all she had to do was communicate. She sure as hell had no problem communicating her lack of wanting to have sex with me. So I call bullshit on your WS as this is more blameshifting and trying to make you feel bad as he tries to justify in his head why he did what he did.

Professor X only exists in comic books. It's up to each of us to communicate our wants and if we don't coomunicate you can't then turn around and blame a person for not doing something or even attempting if you never opened your mouth.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official in 7/2014

Posts: 1834 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
NikkiD
♀ Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Professor X only exists in comic books. It's up to each of us to communicate our wants and if we don't coomunicate you can't then turn around and blame a person for not doing something or even attempting if you never opened your mouth.

Man, this should be on one of those Facebook posty gram thingys!


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Didn't Mick Jagger sing,

You can't always get what you want
But if you ask sometime you get what you need.

Tell your H I said, 'Grow up. Unless you develop the balls to ask for what you want in bed, you're pretty useless.'

(signed) sisoon


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9773 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
itainteasy
♀ Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think many men watch porno and then think "my woman doesn't scream like that/moan like that/let me do that/etc..

And what they forget is that these people on the screen are PAID to be there. They are PAID to do those things, say those things/moan/scream/etc.
--------------------------
slight T/j:

We watched a documentary that was about porn. It featured adult film star, Katie Morgan. She talked about how she got her start, what her upbringing was, etc...but what stuck with me was when she talked about her contract with the movie company. She said basically she had to fill out a sheet a paper that had all these little "check here if you'll do..." and she checked off the boxes that she was willing to do (threesomes, girl-girl, oral, anal, vaginal) and I said "See? this is BUSINESS! When she's screaming and moaning because she's getting pounded in the ass, she's not doing it because she likes it, she's doing it because she's getting paid $5k per scene."

(anal is something I'm not comfortable with, but my fiance wants to do)

But,he sees it on the screen, and wants to recreate it in the bedroom.

It doesn't work that way for me. I'm not getting a paycheck to do those things. I want to have sex with HIM because I love HIM. I am connected to HIM. I am not a random girl that gets paid to take it in any hole. I am not a sex toy.
end T/j
-----------------

I think that the closer you are in a relationship----the "freakier" you will be. But in order to be close there has to be communication. He has to be comfortable sharing his fantasies. And you are free to explore or reject them, but the communication has to be there. You're not a mind reader.

You're also not a robotic sex toy.

I don't think your previous sexual experiences have anything to do with this. Because the only sexual experiences that matter to you now, are the ones with HIM.....again, it comes down to communication vs. mind reading. He has to tell you what he wants to do/try. And then you go from there.

Sorry that this was so long!


Posts: 3308 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said I should have figured that out.

Yep, I got that line too from FWW in MC after dday. She admitted that I tried to show my love in our M, but should have realized it was not working, I should have figured out what she wanted. MC called her out on that one.

When sex is boring and not exciting, it is a reflection on the person making the complaint.

If he wants porn like sex, turn all the lights on bright, and start and stop multiple times to get the right take. Oh, and he has to be sure to be hung like a clydesdale, not cum until your "sceane" is done. Otherwise, it is jsut sex, a loving and expressive interaction between two people.


LTA BS 53
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4087 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Pippy
♀ Member
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So many of these immature assholes feel they should be married to "Porn Star Barbie" and continue to leave their wives and kids for the dream.

My Ex left our 30 year M, kids and grandkids and retirement plans for a dominatrix 22 years younger than me. This is not a stupid man! He's just thinking with the wrong head.

Now she's menopause age. He-he-he-he. Beep beep (Karma bus backing over him).


I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.


Posts: 9587 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with what most people have said, but not so sure on this statement:
I think that the closer you are in a relationship----the "freakier" you will be.

I found out a lot about my wife by what she was willing to say and do with her AP that she never let me know in (at the time) 17 year relationship. She even turned me down for things she did with him. I'm sure I'm not the only one either (just anecdotal from reading this site). Their encounters were like porn star sex. Of course they didn't have kids in the house, yards to mow, work, bills, dinner, laundry, dishes, all that real life shit that isn't in the movies. Every encounter was like an hour and a half porn movie. Of course, I doubt after 17 years it wouldn't of been like that.

What sucks is it isn't like we didn't have great sex, but the opportunities to really get out of our normal groove were few and far between. We both could of done better in that department in creating opportunities, but unfortunately only one of us needed it enough to enlist outside help. It would of been nice if she'd gotten a babysitter once every two weeks instead of an AP.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3769 | Registered: Dec 2011
NikkiD
♀ Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It doesn't work that way for me. I'm not getting a paycheck to do those things. I want to have sex with HIM because I love HIM. I am connected to HIM. I am not a random girl that gets paid to take it in any hole. I am not a sex toy.
end T/j

This is very true!!!!!!!!
Like I said, Im a mentalist...its HIM that matters, not the act it self. Im sorta fly, I could get all the penis I want, but if he aint paying me then for what? SERIOUSLY. That may sound crazy, but I dont fyck for fun if you aint my husband/fiance, Ima need my money. LOL!


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What sisson said.

Outside of his stupidity and lack of skills, not sexual, but basic communication and life skills, this could be a learning opportunity for him. If he is just a tool who won't change whatever. However, if he is in IC and is willing to admit that your not a mind reader and that sinks into his thick skull then the insight of communicating clearly and compassionately what you want and working with your partner to achieve mutual satisfaction, both sexual and non, goes a long way in correcting someones messed up thinking.

How many psych's does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but the light bulb has to want to change.

take care...



Posts: 1415 | Registered: Jan 2012
NikkiD
♀ Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What sucks is it isn't like we didn't have great sex, but the opportunities to really get out of our normal groove were few and far between. We both could of done better in that department in creating opportunities, but unfortunately only one of us needed it enough to enlist outside help. It would of been nice if she'd gotten a babysitter once every two weeks instead of an AP.
_____________________________
Forgot my quotes originally


Man, you said a mouthful right here!! Totally agree. And its even more refreshing coming from a man. I know Im not crazy. Spontanaity with kids and real life shyt is oxymoronic...You gotta plan out some pieces.

[This message edited by NikkiD at 9:36 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
NikkiD
♀ Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Outside of his stupidity and lack of skills, not sexual, but basic communication and life skills, this could be a learning opportunity for him. If he is just a tool who won't change whatever. However, if he is in IC and is willing to admit that your not a mind reader and that sinks into his thick skull then the insight of communicating clearly and compassionately what you want and working with your partner to achieve mutual satisfaction, both sexual and non, goes a long way in correcting someones messed up thinking.

I agree. We talked this morning about communication. He says its a character trait, and I said, its a learned reaction and changes as you expreience more in life. He said sometimes Im big on it and sometimes Im not and I need to be one of the other... I promptly "communicated" that that didnt make any sense...Its situational, not personality trait related....

Whats funny is the liklihood of impotence is stronger for him than me. So when his penis dont work hardly, and you cant feel anything porn star patty is doing, then what?


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree 100% about Porn Star Sex not being the real thing, definitely not a realistic benchmark to measure a partners ability in bed. Too much porn star sex could get old and tiring, lol..
Although people do have many great and out of the ordinary experiences, these experiences shouldn't become a daily expectation..
As my WH aged he developed the problem of not being able to finish during sexual relations...He was very demanding/demeaning to me as a partner.. He told me that I was selfish and that there was something wrong with me because I couldn't last an hour or more in having sex with him without getting tired / having pain.
WH insisted that we should work towards having whole days spent in which we did nothing but have sex all day..When I told him that devoting a whole day to him( in the bedroom) was not an easy feat to accomplish and was a little unrealistic( in my mind also a bit scary) he would comment that I was selfish and lazy..
Instead of trying to find out what was wrong with him and being proactive in creating some romance for us versus making complaints, WH blamed our troubles on me.... He thought of himself as Mr Stud because he had the higher sex drive and liked porn..
IMHO porn star sex is fake, FAKE, fake, and my WH is messed up:/

[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:05 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1136 | Registered: Nov 2011
itainteasy
♀ Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tred,
I'm sorry if my comment bothered you.

What I mean by

I think that the closer you are in a relationship----the "freakier" you will be.

Is that by having truly open communication you can get to that place where fantasies are not off limits conversation and may even be fulfilled.

I think, and I could be wrong, but I think that sometimes when we're married/in committed relationships....and something piques our interest..something "out of the norm" so to speak, it scares us. To a point of wondering if we're normal. And it EMBARASSES us to give light to that---talking to our spouse or significant other about it? No freaking way, so they can say "are you mental?"

Even though that is NOT the reaction we'd (don't mind my pronouns, I'm not referencing anyone in particular)likely get.

Sometimes our fantasies, especially dark ones scare the shit out of us..and the act of verbalizing it to someone we love, someone who's opinion matters to us is too terrifying to contemplate. So..either they get stuffed down, or in the case of shitty boundaries/wayward thinking they get shared with someone else, someone outside the marriage/relationship.

Communication is a work in progress. Truly open 'you can tell me ANYTHING' communication is hard to achieve.

I won't lie and say that I have that with my fiance....but I try every day to make myself a safe place for him to talk. And he tries every day to be my safe place too.

Funny, how it should just BE that we're each others' safe places----and it takes another person, an interloper, to show us that we're not.

I'm not trying to make or supply excuses for anyone....just trying to clarify my thinking.


Posts: 3308 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Porn is damaging. It sends signals about what is expected in every encounter so that real life never lives up to the fantasy. It takes the love, intimacy, giving and respect out of sex and gives it an unattainable standard. It moves the line of "normal" so far away from true life that a dissatisfaction sets in along with resentment that the viewer feels as if they are not getting laid like everyone else. It makes their sex life seem anemic compared to the rockets everybody in the porn get.

I have a reason to hate porn. My H was exposed to movies at age 10. Very raunchy, even included animals, from his parents collection. These were on reel to reel, back in the 60's, but very hard core. It haunted him through his formative years and set up a cycle of fantasy and shame through his adult life. After over 30 years with him we have paid the price of reduced intimacy, poor sexual performance and a sex life I did not even know I competing with for a long time. Ultimately, the fantasies won out when his poor coping skills let life kick him down. Over 45 years ago and he still weeps for innocence lost and a young mind corrupted by 2 people f^*king on a screen. IC has released him from responsibility but not the damage.

[This message edited by Lovedyoumore at 11:40 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1399 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, y'all.
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry if my comment bothered you.

Not at all I agree with your statement if you change "will" to "should". I've just read too many heartbreaking stories (again, anecdotal) of spouses that gave the AP what they wouldn't give the person they are betraying. A lot of your reasons for this are valid, I just don't understand how if you are embarrassed to have animal sex (not literally) with your spouse, but are willing to explore all kinds of shit with someone who has invested nothing in you. I'm not saying that BS "deserves" it, but has earned at least the benefit of the doubt. But then again, not much in infidelity makes sense to me. I always looked at it as I married my wife because she was the one I wanted to grow with, sexually and otherwise, not to have a reliable source of boring nooky. Thanks for taking the time to explain.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3769 | Registered: Dec 2011
itainteasy
♀ Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tred,

I agree with you.

I picked my fiance, because I want HIM. And everything that he comes with.


Posts: 3308 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
NikkiD
♀ Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Porn is damaging. It sends signals about what is expected in every encounter so that real life never lives up to the fantasy. It takes the love, intimacy, giving and respect out of sex and gives it an unattainable standard. It moves the line of "normal" so far away from true life that a dissatisfaction sets in along with resentment that the viewer feels as if they are not getting laid like everyone else. It makes their sex life seem anemic compared to the rockets everybody in the porn get.

WOW!!!! Im going to send this to him.


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Porn is damaging.

Yes and I think more so for men than women. I say that because men or the major consumers of porn and it degrades the overall experience. Don't get me wrong I am all about adventure and I think it a great way for two people explore each other, but objective viewing others never has done it for me and I think is generally unhealthy. Certainly my take. Whatever trips your trigger as long as everyone is up front about it.

take care...



Posts: 1415 | Registered: Jan 2012
Topic Posts: 21
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