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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Writing A Letter
N3v3rG1v1ngUp
♂ New Member
Member # 39428
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As part of the R process, my wife and I have come to an agreement that a friend of mine is no longer a friend of the marriage. I had told him part of what I was doing (the A) about a week before D-Day, and he did not condone it in any way. I've known this guy for about 10 years, and we've been pretty good friends throughout most of that time. However, there are some issues that are making or have made it clear that he's not truly a friend to both of us.
1) He didn't say or do anything when i told him about 1 of my affairs
2) He has said unkind/hurtful things behind my wife's back
3) He had sided with another set of friends regarding differences my wife had with another wife (basically, taking their word over ours).
4) We really don't hang out anymore, even though we live about 5 miles from each other

Basically, in order for me to stay on my path of figuring out myself and continuing to show my wife I can and want to make these changes, I need to essentially end this friendship. I talk so infrequently to him now, it's not really a huge change for my life, other than ensuring that those around me and my wife support us as a couple, not as individuals. So, how do I go about writing something to him to explain all this, and let him know that moving forward, we cannot be in contact any more? Any advice would be appreciated...thanks.


Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Carol Stream, IL
twodoves
♀ Member
Member # 39181
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


One of the times he talked badly about me was in a text message I had seen after one of the DDays.
By that point we had transparency, and the friend didn't know that I had access to WH's phone.


In regards to siding with the other friends, I don't think that really matters. For that situation I just think it's weird to 'choose sides' for something that didn't involve them in anyway.


The biggest issues for me are that

1.) He knew WH was messing around with some chick at work , and he found out soon after we announced my pregnancy with our second child. He didn't say anything to WH about it, and sure as hell didn't say a thing to me.

2.) After knowing that WH had been cheating on me for 5 years with 5 different women, texted him badmouthing me! I did respond to that, letting him know that I could see the text messages. He texted WH later, asking if I was still looking at the phone or not.


This man is not a friend of our marriage.


The other part is we have some mutual friends too, a couple who have a child close in age to ours. This couple and the friend and his wife are close friends, see each other often and talk a lot. I know they talk about us. I had made a post on facebook about something ( WH doesn't have facebook, the friend doesn't but can't see my page) and the friend texted WH about it.
It's weird to me that he's getting information about my posts from other people, especially when I don't even post that much, and I don't post about what happened at all. That's personal stuff that doesn't belong on facebook.

WH wants me to cut off contact with the mutual friends, but I'm not sure how to go about it. They're friends with my cousins too, so the chances of us seeing them again at some point are pretty good. I don't care what the friend thinks, but I don't want to leave things on bad terms with the mutual friends, as I don't want it to be awkward if we see them at my cousin's house.

Any advice is appreciated


Me - BS
Him - WS (N3v3rG1v1ngUp)
Together 7 years, married for 2
He was cheating for 5 years
5 OW
D-days: 4/23/13, 4/27/13, 5/10/13
1 toddler, baby girl on the way in December

Posts: 160 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Illinois
twodoves
♀ Member
Member # 39181
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

anyone deal with something similar?


Me - BS
Him - WS (N3v3rG1v1ngUp)
Together 7 years, married for 2
He was cheating for 5 years
5 OW
D-days: 4/23/13, 4/27/13, 5/10/13
1 toddler, baby girl on the way in December

Posts: 160 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Illinois
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dealing with this now...I know for a fact that one of WH's long time friends is also cheating on his wife and together, they double dated with their mistresses. I brought it up in MC. MC says it's unfair to expect that WH give up a long term friendship over this but made the point to WH that hanging around with other people who are known cheaters is not healthy for our marriage/reconciliation or him in the sense that it's a trigger. In the end I don't have a problem with him hanging out with this person one on one but I will ultimately have no control over it. I can't figure out if this is just a co-addict trait of mine (unhealthy ) or me just moving towards being less "hyper aware" after the initial trauma I have experienced.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 855 | Registered: Jun 2013
MystiKay
♀ Member
Member # 36401
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband did. He was running a kind of porn ring with a few of his friends from highschool. And people wonder why i don't go to the reunions. He had known them for 17years. They knew he was married, and that i would not approve. I even had his bff over right in the middle of the thick of things.

I am sorry that he lost these friendships. It does make me sad and I do cry over it. But I can't have anything to do with them, and WS understands that I am humiliated. So they are not part of our lives anymore.

Good luck to the both of you. t is hard, but can be done.


Posts: 281 | Registered: Aug 2012
Tesa
♀ Member
Member # 10002
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do you feel like you need to send a letter at all. Just don't count him as a friend anymore and let the relationship fade. It sounds like it might be going there anyway.

You don't need to tell people they aren't friends of your marriage, just make distance.


Posts: 1059 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Texas
twodoves
♀ Member
Member # 39181
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH did stop responding to his texts for awhile, but the friend just kept sending them


Me - BS
Him - WS (N3v3rG1v1ngUp)
Together 7 years, married for 2
He was cheating for 5 years
5 OW
D-days: 4/23/13, 4/27/13, 5/10/13
1 toddler, baby girl on the way in December

Posts: 160 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Illinois
Topic Posts: 7

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