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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Anyone R while Fws still works with Ap?
Daisy312
♀ Member
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So my FWH works days and OW works nights. They often pass one another at shift change. They also have to send/receive group emails that they both are included in. FWH swears there is no eye contact or discussions. He avoids her when he can, etc... When he is home I'm fine, but as soon as he returns to work I feel awful! I hate knowing that she is still on his mind even if it's in a negative way! I just don't know how we can R if She is constantly still a part of his life. Getting a new job or quitting is not possible right now even though he is looking.

Posts: 278 | Registered: Sep 2012
Betrayed07
♀ New Member
Member # 39650
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Daisy,
I am in the same situation as you. My WH still works with OW. He says its over, but even he says how will I ever believe him? I will always wonder what he is doing at work, why he is not answering his phone while there, etc. Switching jobs is not an option. They both work in a hospital, same shift. My Dday was only two days ago. You are not alone, but this SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS! I wish I had some helpful advice for you, but I am looking for the same answers.
Wishing you luck with R. We are going to try, too.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
Daisy312
♀ Member
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's interesting...my FWH works at a hospital too!

Posts: 278 | Registered: Sep 2012
Nogoingback
♀ Member
Member # 38712
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me too. Hospital and all. OW is on maternity leave right now but will be back in about a month... I assume. I already hate thinking about it. It's only been during the last six months of the year OW has been away that WS has truly started acting like she's all in. It's horrible when they work together.


BS 33
WS 31
together 10 years
DD 4/8/2011
EA/PA with co-worker while I was pregnant
Trying to reconcile

"Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim." Nora Ephron


Posts: 66 | Registered: Mar 2013
Cheatedon23
♀ Member
Member # 37324
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Daisy312, My WH still works with his OW although he has changed locations since D-Day. He does not see her anymore, but since she is the office manager he does have to talk to her. We have been trying to R since D day in October and have had several mishaps along the way. My WH was in a fog for several months thinking he could have his cake and eat it too. It took me telling him I was leaving for him to get his head out of his butt! He now knows that if he messes up again, I am gone. It is very hard to know that they have to talk, but he knows it has to be strictly business. Do I know 100% that he is doing this? No, but I came to the conclusion that if he wants to continue the affair, he will do so regardless if he works with her or not. She also knows that if she or he crosses the line again, I will be contacting HR.

With that being said, this does not mean that I don't have bad days and at times I freak out if he doesn't answer my phone call or text in a timely manner and I do check his phone periodically. But he knows this and understands it. He is showing remorse for what he has done and is being transparent. This helps a lot.

So to answer your question, can your R if WS works with OP. the answer is yes, but it is not easy and you both have to work hard at it. Expect to take a couple of steps backwards, but as long as your moving forward you are heading in the right direction!
Hugs to you and stay strong.


Me: BS 51
Him: WH 52
D - 26; S - 23; S - 20

Married 31years, together 34
D-Day 1 - April 1, 2012
D-Day 2 - October 5, 2012
D-Day 3 - August 15, 2014
Heading towards Divorce


Posts: 87 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Georgia
twodoves
♀ Member
Member # 39181
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH currently works with one of the OW. She's at a different location, but they still email each other ( group emails).

He's in the process of getting another job, and I feel like we can't really move forward until he does.

I hate knowing that she can contact him at any time.


Me - BS
Him - WS (N3v3rG1v1ngUp)
Together 7 years, married for 2
He was cheating for 5 years
5 OW
D-days: 4/23/13, 4/27/13, 5/10/13
1 toddler, baby girl on the way in December

Posts: 160 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Illinois
I think I can
♀ Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

5 years out, yes he still works with the OW daily in a group setting. So it can be done, but it is NOT easy.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8824 | Registered: Jan 2008
DoneWithLove
♀ Member
Member # 39380
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im going through a similar situation. My FWH works nights and so do the OW. They work in the same area but on opposite ends of each other. They have the same break/ locker area. He started taking the earlier lunch hour, after he started trying to get me back, to avoid her and talk told me. He told his boss that he will never work with her in either of their areas ever again and his boss agrees. He says he cant stand to be around her and tells anyone who asks what happend and whats going on now, idk if he does it so people know why hes avoiding her or if he feels like hes gotta get it off his chest. But that's all on him, branding himself a cheater. My H asked me if he should quit and told me he hates his job now, I told him that until I get my degree and a good job, hes gonna have to deal with the monster he made. He has made his bed, now hes got to lay in it, no matter how uncomfortable it is. Its only fare, I think. Good luck


BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
Together 11/12/06
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
Married 9/29/12
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
"R" 5/3/13

Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was in your shoes. That didn't last long. I felt horrible every time he went to work. He got a new job as fast as he could. For me. :)


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

XH, former AP, and myself all work at the same place (large company). XH and I do the same job and former AP does a different one. We hardly ever see him, maybe 10x per year in passing, and have to speak with him maybe 3-4x per year tops. We are reconciling. XH hopes to leave the company sometime in the next few years (not related to the A) and I hope to reduce my hours or leave altogether if we have a baby in the future. So hopefully the situation won't be permanent, but as it stands now, there is no other option. I can't leave due to my health insurance, XH can't leave due to his side business not being off the ground, and obviously we can't control whether xAP leaves.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried. Reconciliation is a process and I still struggle.


Posts: 2221 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWW worked with her AP for a couple of years after the A was over, saw him almost every day. This was really, really hard for me, but she works in a very specialized industry and only one company in the area. Quitting not a good option, and company too small to transfer to a different department. So, no real way to enforce NC.

Eventually her AP moved out of state to take a new job in the same industry, but FWW continued to work there, and even with him gone, that was a tough trigger for me for a long time.

But we did successfully R even with this going on, so it can be done. But it puts a hard spin on the hardest road.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
Lucky
♀ Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Mr Lucky worked with OW for about 18 months after d-day. I wrote an article in the BSFAQ's in the healing library, it's not easy, but it can be done.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
TXBW68
♀ Member
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, my H still works with OW4. She works at another location 1600 miles away - and always did. Their relationship developed due to their work-related emails/chats/phone calls turning personal after he hung out with her in person during a training class at her location.

He still has at least one standing weekly meeting with her that I know about. He was telling me every single time she emailed or IMd him. Now, he is only to tell me if she brings up anything personal. She's got a local boyfriend now so she doesn't bother him/us at all. Strictly business.

Interestingly enough, he went there for a big conference in March. He had to interact with her each day. I told him that since he was "in love" with me again, that she may look differently. I was right!! He said "What the hell was I thinking?"


Me (46) WH (42),2 boys 15 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
jellybean22
♀ New Member
Member # 38732
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH works in a hospital also with the OW. It was really hard for me for a while.

It got easier when her fiancÚ learned about everything. It's like I have an ally in keeping the NC going. FWH and OW thought they could be polite or casually friendly (they ended the A before I discovered it) and it just couldn't continue. Now that her fiancÚ knows and I talked with OW at length myself, there's been absolutely NC other than what's absolutely required to do their jobs.

In fact, aside from visiting this site and in counseling I haven't been thinking of her or him/her at all for weeks. It's a nice change.


Me: 37 BS
Him: 38 WH
M: 11 years, T: 17
2 boys
DDay: 3/11/13
Status: In MC/R, Retrouvaille graduates

I'm not what I ought to be. I'm not what I want to be. I'm not what I hope to be. But thank God, I'm not what I used to be.


Posts: 43 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Limbo
RedRose
♀ Member
Member # 39584
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH stills works with the OW, which I have a really hard time with. They are now at different stations, but he still has to have some contact with her as part of his job. He is supposed to call me when he sees her, but as they work an hour away, there really is no way for me to know if he sees her or not. It is making me have continued trust issues, and I have told him that starting to trust him again would be much easier if they didn't still work together. Financially, we can't afford for him to leave, though he is actively looking for a new job. I hate worrying constantly about them while he is at work.


BW-35
WH - 35
2.5 year LTA

Posts: 160 | Registered: Jun 2013
Hunter23
♀ Member
Member # 37574
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup. I've been having a real problem with it lately (see recent posts).

It's pretty sick when you think about the fact that they spend more time with your WS during the week that you do. I try not to think about it most of the time but it's never really NOT on my mind.

Right now, I'm doing my damndest to trust him when he tells me he ignores her as much as possible. Since he told her last week to stop talking to him about anything other than work, I've heard she's actually pissed at ME and that I'm overreacting. She sees no reason why they can't be friends.

Right. Well, as I plainly explained to my WH (who never had a friendship with her anyway - no one does...).
"So she sent you naked pics, you sent some back. She talked dirty to you, you talked back. Even if you WERE buddies before, there is no going back to anything other than coworkers. Hello, goodbye, that's it."

We're both trying to find him another job in the meantime.


Me: BW, 38
Him:WH, 40
DDay: Nov 3, 2012
Hoping to recover...

Posts: 99 | Registered: Nov 2012
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I would DIE if they still worked together.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1394 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
flygirl96
♀ Member
Member # 22954
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The FOW quit a month before I found out and then came back 9 months later. I hate her for coming back and hoping to start something up again with my husband. It has been 5 years this August. I hate that he might see her in the halls but like someone else said if he is going to cheat he will.

We are happy and our relationship is completely different now. I trust him now and I think he knows if it ever happens again I won't R again.


Posts: 343 | Registered: Feb 2009
shudistayorgo
♀ New Member
Member # 39674
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH works with the OW. Although she is very junior and he doesn't have to have much interaction with her. Which also makes me question how the HELL this started up in the first place!!
When my mind goes crazy I have thoughts of contacting her with an ultimatum...leave the company or I will expose you to your boyfriend, coworkers and family....

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 19

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