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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I thought I had detatched.....
Housefulloflove
♀ Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Detachment is a process that's a part of the long process of healing. It's a roller coaster ride that no one ever wants to ride.

It's why our cowardly POS ex's chose not to ride it. Rather than deal with their issues they cheated. Rather than process the loss and feel the emotions that go along with something so profoundly life-changing they use their maladaptive coping mechanisms to ease their pain (and inflict more on us).

But you will heal. He will rot and fester on the inside. He is just moving on to the next failure in his life.

I think I understand how you feel. My stbx was happy-go-lucky when I kicked him out. You would have thought he was packing for a trip instead of moving out of the home his 3 young children lived in. The only thing he said that he didn't like about what was happening was that he "hated moving". Meaning he hated having to pack, carry and do general moving stuff. I was confused as hell at the time. It was like we were in parallel universes. My family was being torn apart and my children's lives changed forever while he was riding off on a rainbow shitting unicorn to the land of glitter farts.

But you know what...I'm feeling better. I have my down days. I'm overwhelmed sometimes. I'm often unsure, insecure, angry, bitter, etc. etc..but it's SOOOOO much less than at the beginning of this process. I'm far from healed but when people say it gets better, they're right!

He on the other hand is a hot ass mess! He's angry at the world but me in particular because he will never allow himself to be angry at the right person (himself). He is creating an unbelievable financial crisis for himself. He is alone, has no personal life (so he tells despite the fact that I don't ask and I DO NOT CARE), he is very overwhelmed with basic things like managing his own money or having overnight visits with his kids.

Rather than focus on himself and fix things so that his life will get better he is focusing on me and making me the culprit because it allows him to ignore what he should be feeling about what he has done and what he's still doing.

Your WH gets to by-pass the emotional turmoil for now but eventually he will have to face what he did. Or if he is personality disordered he'll likely just fuck himself over on a regular basis with no clue that he does it to himself. Either way he will have some tough times ahead and won't make the necessary changed needed to be a better person who lives a better life!

As far as him invading your space as if nothing has changed between you two, my NPD ex is/was the same way. I had to learn to go against my nature and learn how to set clear and definitive boundaries. My ex expected the same treatment he was used to despite what he has done because in his mind his actions are always trivial (no matter how obviously offensive and hurtful they may be) and the REAL issue is ALWAYS, ALWAYS how I respond (any negative response = bad).

Ignore him as much as you can right now. I find that I'm still at the point where a phone call with him, face-to-face contact, or even too many text messages in a day still sets me back. The less contact I have the more peace I feel. I know I've had too much contact when I start to feel anxious and overwhelmed and then I make a point to have as zero contact with him for a day or two even if he texts me something he deems to be "important" (it rarely is and it's NEVER so important that my not answering for for a day or two would make a difference).

(((numbandnauseous))) the only "tossed-aside piece of trash" is him.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

House - so much wisdom in your post. Yes, you do understand how I feel re: you and your children's lives are being torn apart and he is as glib as though he were packing for a trip.

Also, "he will never allow himself to be angry at the right person (himself)" fits my STBX to a tee.

Also, "focusing on (you) so that he can ignore what he should be feeling about what he has done" is spot on.

Lastly, "in his mind, his actions are always trivial (no matter how hurtful) and the real issue is ALWAYS how I respond (any negative response = bad)" OMG, so well said and blameshifting at it's finest!

Thanks so much for your support!


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update for tonight: I asked him to not walk in on me when I am showering and to no longer shower in our bathroom. He looked hurt/annoyed, but agreed.

He has been coming home early from work since I filed (about 2 hours early; his usual routine is that he is never home for dinner and misses bedtime about once a week). I am sure it is a custody or guilt thing.

So I am in the master bedroom tonight and he knocks on the door. Asks about what I said earlier: "If we are getting D'd, then you shouldn't be walking in on me in the shower." He asks (again) if this means that there is no chance for R. Is he serious?! He said that he knows I want him out of here and he wants to get out of here too to give us both some space.

I said that it's not up to me to choose to R; we both will do our thing and we'll see where it leads us. I am trying to avoid telling him yes I will R or telling him what he needs to do for me to R. I am not going to ask him if he has gotten his STD tests or if he has seen a CSAT. I will not. I will not. I will not!

Thoughts on what is going on? I am feeling confused and I'm sure he's doing it to me on purpose.


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sniff! Sniff! What's that I smell?

IT'S GAS!!!!!!!!

It's gas because he's gaslighting you. Trying to make you think you haven't had the conversations you know damn good & well you've had. Sorry Charlie, you already told your wife that you're getting a condo and are moving on. You already as much as admitted to her that you were just BS-ing her when you said you wanted to do anything to save your marriage starting Monday. You've already been talking about moving on with your life.

So NO, you moron, you don't get to keep asking your wife to clarify if she really is serious about divorcing you. The only person dizzy & confused from the gas you're pumping is YOU. N&N knows what's been happening, she sees you clearly, she is aware that you are trying to present two false realities simultaneously so she'll crack mentally & agree to anything you say.

Get away from her.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9461 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Mama Bear (aka NG)!

I thought I was being hoovered....

He also just texted me to say that he will cover for me tomorrow night (I have an SA spouse group meeting and neither of our babysitters was available, so I had to ask him - I love my group and don't like to miss it!)


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good. Kids and finances only. Period. And the moment, the instant that the door hits him on the ass when he moves, you make sure that you have a locksmith come by and re-key each lock on your house to a key that you and only you will have. Get the garage door opener back from him or, if you cannot, hit the LOCK feature so he can't get in and call to see about either getting a new frequency on your opener or replacing it.

He Does Not Get To Come Into Your House Anymore. Period.

Personally, I would tell him that his new time table doesn't work for me and that you want him out the minute that he takes possession of the condo. He fired you from the "making accommodations for my beloved husband" role some time ago.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4677 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 1:53 AM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I will be proceeding as planned.

But, he threw me for a loop tonight when he showed me his
STD TEST RESULTS
that he had done on Monday, as he told me he would.

Now I am confused, but I guess I will just continue to watch for other forward-moving actions....


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
Topic Posts: 27
Pages: 1 · 2

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