[This message edited by boxofchocolate at 10:52 PM, June 28th (Friday)]
Now did I understand correctly that your SO currently has no knowledge of your unfaithfulness? If this is the case he needs to know. Write out a timeline and give it to him. Don't leave out any details. Your SO deserves to know what happened, ESPECIALLY before the two of you make any commitments; large or small.
You seem like a very dependant person and one huge thing you'll need to learn is how to make yourself happy first and not rely on another to fill that void as well as to be okay with YOU no matter the outcome of your relationship. I'm not saying this to hurt you but to help you.
Also, if the BS of the AP is in the dark, she too needs to be made aware....I get the feeling your not your AP's first OW...
You seem very fragile and I highly reccomend seeing an IC (Individual Counselor) who can help direct you in healing your hurts.
I also suggest you point your SO here, he's entitled to his own healing and this is a great place for BS's and WS's. You two will also need relationship counseling if you both decide to commit.
I know counseling isn't for everyone, and that's okay. Sometimes though we need guidance to help steer us in the right direction.
Once again, welcome and when you have time be sure to check out the Healing Library.
I agree with everything SLHim just said. I got the same impressions reading your post.
Even though your SO said he didn't want to know, he will know someday right? If you guys choose to get M and/or become intimate...something's going to be not as he expected. From the experiences we've read here on SI, this is going to become an issue at some point, and your SO sticking his head in the sand is not going to work long term.
So, when you were a kid, and you went from one relative to the next, was there really no one that you connected with? Were you at least treated well? I'm asking because I'm curious if anyone has ever made as much of an effort on you as your SO has over the years. I mean, it's great that he helped you out so much, but how has that contributed to your dynamic when you're together? How has that affected your feelings for him?
Other than self protection from not having a home and family where you felt the love that children need, have you ever stood on your own? Not just living on your own, but being on your own in an emotionally healthy way? Do you know who you are or who you would have been if you would have had a different upbringing?
I hope you find the help you are seeking here.
[This message edited by boxofchocolate at 10:55 PM, June 28th (Friday)]
I am twice your age and cheated on my H within 3 weeks of our relationship over 20 years ago with his good friend. I finally confessed to this about 3 months ago (as well as other A's). It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I wish I had come clean a long time ago as the lies over the years through omitting this vital information, does even more damage.
I think it is important to think very hard about why you are telling him (assuming you do, which I highly recommend) as this may be a question he asks of you. It has to be more than about just assuaging your own guilt, but rather, that you love him enough to give him a choice to choose you, knowing ALL the information about his relationship with you. And you also need to be prepared that this might be a deal breaker for him.
However, if you are going to continue your life with integrity, then you need to do this for yourself, whether you stay together or not. Believe me, coming from someone who was a liar and a cheater throughout my marriage, that secrets are FELT all the way through, often in ways you are not aware of.
Its hard to do, and takes courage, but when in doubt, go with truth. It really does set you free.
As I mentioned in my previous post, integrity is something we need for ourselves, that affects all aspects of our lives. Your bf does not get to give you permission to not act with integrity, which I got from you saying he didn't want to know if you did sleep with someone, something I find very WW thinking, and makes me wonder if he has done something himself.
You are not alone in this. We are all struggling and working on why we do/did what we do/did. Its on going learning and growth, and does not come without pain.
[This message edited by boxofchocolate at 10:57 PM, June 28th (Friday)]
Don't allow him to invest any more time or money until he has ALL the facts.
Tell him now.
I would also encourage you to be on your own. He isn't a surrogate parent. You want a partner. Not a guardian. In order to have a partner you need to be a partner.
You aren't in a place of health to be able to offer that right now. I know this sounds terrifying but I hope you respect him and yourself enough to give him honesty then start the work needed to find and build on your skill sets. You don't ever want to "need" someone.
Once you can stand alone you can walk beside another. It's not his job to carry you, boxofchocolate. It's honestly not a healthy dynamic for either of you.
'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth
[This message edited by boxofchocolate at 10:58 PM, June 28th (Friday)]
[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 8:44 PM, June 29th (Saturday)]
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"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."