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Newest Member: TryingToReform (45458)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: R'ing is hard work....
jjsr
♀ Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tonight we had MC. My struggle this far (almost 2 yrs from dd) is my hurt and anger at what he has done. I know he is remorseful, and doing whats needed but I am still hurt and angry and trying to find a place emotionally from some of the lies that were told. I am having a hard time with letting it go and start fresh. The MC says its a choice to let it go or not and I know that's right but I am not totally there yet. This sux.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1649 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
Wonderingwhy11
♀ Member
Member # 34782
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jjrs - I so understand this. Our mc told me its ok if the A and all the other marital problems are a deal breaker then it is ok to say thank you but this marriage isn't working. Easy when someone else says this.. It is so hard to decide what to do after so many years together and we do have common goals. I want to give it time to see if the changes in wh are real this time. But I don't want to be hurt. It does suck to be where we are. Good luck to you and thanks. I hope we both can work it out. Maybe it just takes time.


Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15

Gotta love the life that we livin'


Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since you're not ready to let go yet, it might be useful to think about what you need to feel safe/good enough to let your pain go. When you figure out what will allow you to feel safe, you can ask for it and probably get it, too.

Remember - 2-5 years, assuming no new hurts.

(((jjsr)))


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10440 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Tesa
♀ Member
Member # 10002
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess should ask yourself why you don't want to let go? Why are you holding onto the pain and hurt?

Are you afraid that if you let go, you will miss if it happends again? (this was a very hard one for me to too).


Posts: 1060 | Registered: Mar 2006
Lyonesse
♀ Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think sisoon has a wise point here. Too many counselors we talked to immediately launched into how the BS needs to "learn to trust" without spending any time at all on what my H needed to do to make trust an option. After two sessions with the MC we finally chose, we realized we cannot get to the work on the M until we have dealt with the damage caused by the A, and we have asked her to focus on that and helping WH becoming more empathetic regarding the trauma he inflicted and my healing from that.

Your MC has to recognize that it can take 2-5 years (on average) before you are pychologically ready to release some of the hurt and anger, but your spouse can certainly do things that make it a heck of a lot easier to move to the 2 year versus the 5 year point.


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1797 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
jjsr
♀ Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our MC does recognize this. We have been going to him since Oct 2011. Its my issues as to why I haven't let go and forgiven. We are working on it.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1649 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
Topic Posts: 6

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