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Newest Member: TryingToReform (45458)

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User Topic: WS is "happy"
Nogoingback
♀ Member
Member # 38712
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do I do with this??!
How can she be happy? It feels like she got away with everything and I am left feeling betrayed and like she will never quite get it.
She said this the other night when we were watching tv. She looked over at me and held my hand and said "I'm happy". I said "Is this a new thing?" and she said "no, I just wanted you to know that".
This is only a fortnight after I said in MC that I wanted another child for DD to have a sibling (our first child is 19 months) and if that wasn't important to her then I didn't want to continue the relationship. (Not going to keep sacrificing what I want in life, for her sake. Not post A. Not anymore). She didn't take it well and felt very sad afterwards, that I would put some unborn child above my feelings for her. Well, she used to be my everything, but she has forced me to re-evaluate that. Anyway I digress....
The point is how can she be happy in a sexless marriage (that's right, we still don't sleep together, that's not me, that's her) where our future is hazy at best?
I am happy too, with all the superficial interactions and the day-to-day stuff, but under the surface, I'm still screaming.
(yes we are in MC and IC, although she doesn't attend IC very often)
I think she is the grand master of compartmentalisation.
So frustrated. Guess I just needed to vent.


BS 33
WS 31
together 10 years
DD 4/8/2011
EA/PA with co-worker while I was pregnant
Trying to reconcile

"Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim." Nora Ephron


Posts: 66 | Registered: Mar 2013
jjsr
♀ Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can hear your pain but I have to ask why would you want to have another child with her if she doesn't love you and there is a possibility of you getting a D? Why add another child to that?


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1649 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you ask her what she is happy with? I am happy as a statement seems pretty lame and empty...kind of those reassuring statements one would make to calm someone's fears....

What is her definition of happy, how has she gotten there and what steps has she taken for this happiness to have found it's way to her?

Kind of a bitter pill to swallow IMO.

Not going to keep sacrificing what I want in life, for her sake. Not post A. Not anymore

^^^very important^^^

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3850 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Nogoingback
♀ Member
Member # 38712
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not that she doesn't love me. I can tell that she truly does again. She also loves our little girl - we both do and we have so much fun together as a family.
The first child was an ivf baby and when it all fell apart 2 weeks after she was born, and I had gotten on with my life without my WS (we separated for about 10 months before trying to R), I had it in my head that I would still have the other baby I had always wanted, after all I was raising one by myself, I have the financial means, the kids would have a sibling and companion throughout childhood, and then as adults they would have nieces and nephews - so many reasons for my DD to have a sibling. I feel if WS was absolutely committed to having another child, then we would actually make it. It's a sticking point for me though, if she doesn't want to do that.... I still want to one day. So really I'm trying to sort it out now by making it a dealbreaker before I go down that road and bring a second child into it... Does that make sense?


BS 33
WS 31
together 10 years
DD 4/8/2011
EA/PA with co-worker while I was pregnant
Trying to reconcile

"Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim." Nora Ephron


Posts: 66 | Registered: Mar 2013
Kalliopeia
♀ Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

another child won't fix anything. it will add stress and she will feel you forced it on her, if she isn't ready for one.

Your arguments for one.. well in a stable relationship and both of you wanting another child, perfectly lovely.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
Nogoingback
♀ Member
Member # 38712
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh dear, I don't seem to be expressing myself very well.
I certainly don't think another child will fix anything between us. The reason I feel we would make it if she was on board for that is because her not being on board is the main reason for me wanting to end it. Otherwise we both want it to work. I agree Kalliopeia, that is exactly the problem, her feeling forced. If I stay with her and she agrees that one day we will have another child, I don't ever see it being something she doesn't feel was forced on her. It will always me be saying "what about now?", and her saying "not yet".
Sigh.... I think the path ahead is becoming clearer


BS 33
WS 31
together 10 years
DD 4/8/2011
EA/PA with co-worker while I was pregnant
Trying to reconcile

"Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim." Nora Ephron


Posts: 66 | Registered: Mar 2013
Bluebird26
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another child makes relationships harder, it doesn't repair one. How fair is it to the unborn child if they are resented by their mother for the rest of their lives.

I would be asking your WS why she is happy. Might be something to bring up with the MC.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1363 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
lostworld
♀ Member
Member # 19197
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm only commenting on the statement your WS made regarding being happy because I don't know enough about another child entering your life to offer any input. I can easily understand how her comment must have stuck you as selfish and audacious. But, I'm wondering where her comment came from. One of the very helpful things my FWH learned during IC was to "take a pulse on his emotions throughout the day." The therapist was encouraging him to really become aware of himself and his emotions; to not just float through his life, but to really be in the moment and evaluate it. This mindfulness helped discourage his earlier tendency to compartmentalize and bury things until they became untenable. It was helpful for my H to actively recognize his happiness and feelings of love and gratitude for me, our family, and our M.

The major difference, and I suspect the critical difference, between the way my H stated his feelings versus the way your WS stated hers, seems to be that my H would say, "I'm really happy. I'm happy to be here with you, and I'm so sorry that I hurt you so badly and jeopardized all this." Could it be that your WS's message was poorly sent, but was meant to be an affirmation of what you bring to her life? Would it help you to further discuss why she said what she did--and why she chose that time to say it? Was she being self-centered, or could she have been trying to make you feel secure in the relationship by telling you that she was happy with you?

These are just my thoughts coming from my own experience; perhaps they pertain to your situation or not. Either way, I hope you get what you need; I'm rooting for you, Nogoingback.


Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married 30 yrs. w/ 2 grown kids
Dday 1: Very early 2007
Dday 2: Mid 2008 (same MOW, 14 month false R)
R'd
The affair was the aberration, not the marriage or the man.

Posts: 817 | Registered: Apr 2008
Nogoingback
♀ Member
Member # 38712
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes lostworld, I think maybe you are right. She is bad at wording things and expressing herself, and I'm sure this probably was the meaning behind her words.
I will ask her for more detail.
Maybe I am frustrated because I feel she shouldn't get to be happy until I am again. And I'm not as happy as I'd like to be. I'd say I'm at 70%


BS 33
WS 31
together 10 years
DD 4/8/2011
EA/PA with co-worker while I was pregnant
Trying to reconcile

"Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim." Nora Ephron


Posts: 66 | Registered: Mar 2013
lostworld
♀ Member
Member # 19197
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I completely get it. I can appreciate my H's words gladly now, but in the early days (I really should say the first 2+ years), they at best seemed arrogant, and at worst seemed horrifyingly narcissistic. What a mess this crap creates.


Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married 30 yrs. w/ 2 grown kids
Dday 1: Very early 2007
Dday 2: Mid 2008 (same MOW, 14 month false R)
R'd
The affair was the aberration, not the marriage or the man.

Posts: 817 | Registered: Apr 2008
StrongerOne
♀ Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your WS not wanting another child, even without the A, might be enough to be a deal breaker for you, Nogoingback. Something to think about.

BTW, if your daughter does end up being an only, that's ok. There are lots of good things that go with being an only. I have just one, and he is my treasure! And he has never asked for or wanted a sibiling -- I think he likes not having to share!


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 879 | Registered: Sep 2012
Topic Posts: 11

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