In our case, OW was also a friend and our 2 boys and their 3 kids were BFFs. We vacationed, camped, went out together. They lived right next door. There was always at least one kid at the other's home.
After DDay, we sat our boys (who were 6 and 11 at the time) down and explained to them that mom and dad could not be friends with OW and OWH (in our case, both were a party to the A) because our job is to protect our children and OW and OWH were not good people who lied and hurt people. The kids could still play together outside, but they were no longer allowed at each other's homes. My oldest was hurt and angry and my youngest was confused and angry. But in time, they got over it. We did end up moving, but by then, the kids hadn't played together, by our kids' choice, in months. It can be done.
Please don't sacrifice your healing for what you think you MUST do for your kids. My kids had severe behavioral issues during the time they were friends with OW kids, but we didn't even realize it until after they were removed from our lives. My healing, and their wellbeing, is incredible these days because of the emotional distance we put between our family and theirs.
I'd like to piss her off enough to cut the ties so it become her fault. But, can't figure out how to do that.
Uhm, didn't she already do that by sleeping with your husband? If that isn't enough to cut ties then nothing is.
I would just explain "Mrs.X and I don't agree on many things and we are no longer friends." I am sure your kids have cell phones, etc. I would never converse with her.
You are a better woman than me because there would be no way in hell.
Onward brave mom.
It won't be much more than a blip on their radar, and for a very short time, at that.
So it's time to look at (a) what YOU are deriving from this martyrdom, and (b) how your children are unwittingly being harmed by it.
For the former, you have a husband who doesn't get it. Are you scared that taking a stand---that erecting appropriate boundaries---will be the catalyst for changes, in your marriage, that frighten you?
For the latter, have you considered that doing things "for the sake of the kids" actually harms them? By making THEM responsible for this---and therefore for the feelings YOU don't want to own--you are placing a horrendous burden on their young shoulders.
It's tremendously unfair.
You all deserve better.
Ignore texts. When you receive a text invitation for go-karting, don't read it to the kids. Ignore, or say no, or send a NC letter.
Children rely on their parents to make healthy decisions for them.
It's time to start. For them, and for you.
Perhaps once your husband sees some healthy boundaries being erected, he will start getting it.
Or maybe not. Either way, you MUST be true to yourself.
This is not sustainable.
ETA: Texting is conversing. How have you managed to convince yourself otherwise? Your willingess to engage by text tells her AND your husband that "she hasn't done anything."
[This message edited by solus sto at 3:12 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]
I wrote my story on one of your older posts and I'll repeat.
My kids and OW kids were very close friends. Went to the same school. After DDay we told them that we are not friends with their parents anymore and they can play together at recess but not in each other home.
It never crossed my mind to do anything else. Ever. I just knew that if I ever to survive this and stay sane there has to be NC.
They were angry. They grilled us. Not once did I feel guilty about it. There was never a doubt in my mind that I'm doing what's right.
Now, 3 years later, they don't even remember them. By daughter changed her BFF 3 times since then. But she has a mom and dad that lover her and live each other and a stable home.
And no. We didn't move. They are still in our community. Big fucking deal.
cut off ALL contact and next time your husband asks if she did anything tell him she had an affair with him and now she doesn't get to exist anywhere for any of you forever.
She is not NEEDED for your lives to be ok, FOREVER.
Can you tell us she is needed?
I would have beat that woman with a 2 x 4 for daring to call me up and suggest my kids ( and I dont have any ) be anywhere near her.
Stop letting them invalidate you. and why is your husband ok with it?
Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.
Mom, this isn't about your kids and their friendship with OW's kids. It's about YOU and your need to be a martyr/victim in this situation.
Since you won't set conditions and/or consequences so that your WH really tries to help you heal from his betrayal, you grab onto this to keep the drama going.
You've been told by everyone who reads your posts that what you're doing is unhealthy for you and unnecessary for your kids. Many have given you examples of how cutting contact between their children and their WS's AP's children has NOT adversely affected them - yet you persist in this unhealthy dynamic and insist that somehow YOUR kids are different and must remain friends with OW's children.
You have choices and YOU refuse to make them. So please stop whining about a situation that's entirely within your control to change in the guise of "venting".
Please re-read what Solus has said. At this point, maybe let's start with you getting it - never-mind your WH.
I am not sure how old your kids are. However, as long as they are older than 7-8 then you absolutely positively DO NOT have to interact with the parents' of their "BFF". EVER!
And if they are younger than 5-6 then you can cut off contact completely with their so called "BFF" and they will forget about that friend within a month.
OW is using the kids to get to you AND to your WS.
You need to learn the power of "No". OW text you? You do not respond. Kid 1 asks to spend the night at OW's house? You say "no". Kid 2 asks if OW's kid can spend the night with you? Well, that you can say yes or no depending upon how YOU feel. OW asks you if she can take the kids to do something "fun"? You say no. OW's kid has a birthday party that Kid wants to go to? You say "Yes" and you drop off Kid at the door and pick up at the door and do not interact with OW at all.
You cannot control who your kids are friends with. But you CAN control how much interaction you have with their parents'. You DO NOT have to arrange play dates with OW. Ever. Never ever ever. If your WS told you that you do, then he just wants to maintain contact. Ditto with OW. If friends or family say you do, then they have no clue what infidelity is all about AND/OR they are not a fan of you (sadly some family members try to purposely hurt you with their "helpful" advise).
Block her number. She has nothing to say that you want to hear. There are lots of kids that your kids can be friends with. You do not have to be chummy with all of them. And you certainly do not have to invite them into your bed.
No doubt your husband kind of likes all of this too.
It ends when you say it ends.
Your children aren't going to shrivel up and die because you take control of a situation that is toxic to you.
Personally, I'd be inclined to question why I was with a man who let this situation develop like it has. If he was truly interested in the health and welfare of his wife, marriage, and family life, I think he would have taken care of this mess in the beginning.
It saddens me that you want to put this on your children. Saying that you are continuing in this miserable charade FOR them is essentially blaming them for your situation. That's not fair to them.
I'm confused as to why you say that you are trying to hold your family together. For one thing that should be your FWH's job. He should be doing everything in his power to save the marriage! And secondly, why would your children's neighborhood friendships be so pivotal to your family's existence?
I have 2 adult children and do not remember any of their friendships being this crucial! In fact, they rarely wanted to play with kids on the block. Instead , their best friends were from the soccer team or baseball team or dance class and often these friends lived clear across town.
So, that's another way to help your kids make new friends in town. Sign them up for new experiences in own- sports teams, parks nprograms,Boy scouts, 4H there are lots of places for them to make new friends.
Being so dependent on this one family is unhealthy even if there was no infidelity involved!
You need to detach from this situation.
There are ways to do it without moving.
Making a choice to stop contact with a toxic woman and her family will not come even close to harming your children.
You have a perception of reality which you are sure is the only possible one, but it's not.
If and when your children ever find out the truth, they won't admire or respect you for the sacrifice you made. In fact, they may wind up resenting you for putting it on them all your suffering. Do you understand what I am saying here? You are doing such a grave disservice to your children. I would be beyond pissed off at my mother if she continued any kind of relationship with the AP and family for my sake. How dare she put that on me!
I am sorry, momof3gbb, there aren't too many people here who will give sympathy to people who continually put themselves in abusive/toxic situations, and that is exactly what you are doing. We want everyone to be making healthy choices for themselves. This isn't a healthy choice for you.
[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 10:13 AM, June 27th (Thursday)]
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
Could you have done it long term with the kids in the same class, same bday parties, same community activities, same camps, on and on.
We moved, but we only moved a few miles down the road. The kids still have the same circle of friends. We still have friends in the "old" neighborhood. They still go to school and community functions together. But OW is smart enough not to show up at those because I let her know, right after DDay, that her access to my family - my husband and my kids - was done. There were no back doors. And when she tried one, it got slammed so fast that she didn't try again.
It can be done. It hurts, and as a mom it hurts when our kids hurt. But this is not a healthy dynamic for anyone. And when Momma ain't happy, well, everyone pays the price.
I agree with SM:
I feel you are being a martyr. You feel you are the best mom ever because you are making this huge toxic sacrifice for your children. However, I feel the truth is, you get off on it. This is about you and not your children. This is how you build yourself up. I do this for my children, see how wonderful I am, see how I put myself last.
You're not helpless here. Moving didn't change my dynamic with OW and OWH and their kids. Cutting out their access to our lives did. Moving happened after we had already sucked all the poison out and was more for my healing than my kids.
You need to protect YOU...and if moms ok..the kids will be ok too.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
My take on this is that you are pretty conflict avoidant and you don't trust your WH to 'have your back' on this. You stated that you are staying so enmeshed with this 'affair' family because you want to keep your family together....and that means that you feel that you have to have all of this continued contact with OW. Ok, that's understandable. Not healthy, and it's not what I would advise you to do, but you have to do what works for you.
You need to establish boundaries and rules for yourself. Right now it seems that you are just trying to keep everyone happy and keep everything *the same* as pre-A. Not.Gonna.Work.Ain't.Gonna.Happen.
Analogy--your home is wrecked by a tornado. All that's left standing is 3 walls of a room that included your favorite chair (which is still miraculously in its spot). What you are doing with your life right now is just sitting your butt in your favorite chair (because it's familiar), ignoring that the house needs to be re-built, and getting irritated that you keep getting rained on. If you don't want to re-build the house, then fine. Don't. But if you're gonna get irritated by the rain....then at least put a tarp up over yourself.
You are doing NOTHING to protect yourself.....and yet you keep talking about how irritated you are by your situation.
Look at the carting situation:
You were 'about' to go to work. Your babsitter was ALREADY there.
You receive a text that invited your kids to go somewhere....at what sounds like the very last minute.
The *healthiest* response in this situation? "Not today."
Your response was just the opposite. You told the kids. Why would you do that? There was no reason for them to know that...especially since you were going to tell her no. And then you just *gave* her information and no answer: "hmmmm, my babysitter just got here."
Your response to her actually ENCOURAGED her next response to you.
The people in your life have made it crystal clear to you that 'protecting' you is NOT their first priority. So if you are going to continue on the path that you've chosen.....it's probably time for you to establish some pretty strong boundaries for yourself.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
I know. It doesn't make sense. It's your intense need to do right by your kids. To keep your whole world from imploding due to the horrible choices of two selfish people. Maybe even a part of you feels a bit smug, after all, you're not selfish like that. Maybe not, though I know I have been self satisfied that I'm not selfish and never have been as selfish as MrH has been.
What concerns me is that there is no way things will get better, not with these choices. Yes, the alternatives are scary, but they would be more healing for the family in the long run. It would give your WH a chance to prove he's truly a FWH. That in his heart, he's willing to do what it takes to heal his M, BW and family.
Either way, you need to find choices, even if they aren't the perfect choices, that help you heal. This is perpetual hell and your kids won't thank you for it. They love you more than those kids and when they get older and see more clearly, they might blame themselves that mommy was constantly hurt so they could have play dates.
Change is scary. It can help heal though. This, while I truly have sympathy because I stayed in a M I should've left six months in, will not heal and will cause problems for the whole family in the long run. It's easier to give sympathy when there's movement towards even attempting growth and healing.