And he has taken to guarding his phone again and deleting everything from it.
Im sorry....this is a HUGE red flag...I don't think hes through cheating....
Do i still belong here?
If you haven't read the complete healing library...please do...
Also there are a couple of threads here in JFO that have targets or "bulls eyes" in the left margin...you may want to look at those too, they contain a lot of good information about the 180, setting boundaries, etc...and are well written...usually on pages 1 thru 5....
good luck, hon....keep us posted...
Are either of you in IC? or MC? Just wondering what he has done to show that he is trying to change and make things better. Or is it all just talk. Now is the time for action.
Hang in there! I know none of us want to be here but you are not alone!
Finally this is R 8/14/13
"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".
I don't want to alarm you, but I wouldn't take your WH's words just yet, and stay very cautious. Any phone guarding, is a red flag. Also, I've learned that anytime my H said 'she's just a friend', he was literally giving me a code word and all I needed to know. If only I knew back then that 'friend' translated to whore/mistress/fuck buddy/gf....take your pick... Pics of other women ALREADY? If I were you, I would be assuming that nothing has changed with him... however, I don't know all of the details. If you feel he isn't remorseful, or you worry something may still be going on...I think you may consider 180ing. Or at the very least, tell and show him that his words don't mean anything to you right now, you are looking for actions only. You know that saying "believe none of what you hear, and half of what you see"? Some spouses (mine) thought that all he really had to say was sorry, and then he felt that it was 'over with' and he simply wouldn't understand (i'm sure he understood he just didn't want to) why he needed no contact and couldn't still be friends with OW and talk about work and other small talk. Your WH is probably still in a fog...
[This message edited by Tired05 at 8:25 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]
Do not back up. Severe tire damage.
I have about a three week whole in memory after DD so please don't rush yourself . You can only heal at your own rate.
Yes, you belong here but I am sorry that you are here. The duration of time since you found out really doesn't matter. Keep coming as long as it is helpful to you.
Three weeks out isn't very long at all. On average it takes 2 - 5 years to heal from an affair. I tell you this so you allow yourself the time you need to heal. Truly heal. You can't fast track it. You have to go through it and feel every emotion that comes your way.
i did find 2 pics of her on his phone, and since she is also married, that shouldnt be going on. ... and he has taken to guarding his phone again and deleting everything from it.
RED FLAG ALERT
(((gently))) This is not good, this is not a good sign and he is not committed to reconciliation by behaving this way.
He cheated on you so guess what? He doesn't get to have any more female friends. He can't. There should be ZERO text exchanges between him and any female at this point. ZERO and that has to be a non negotiable point for you.
Hiding the phone and deleting. Bad sign.
I would say your WH is either still having the affair or looking for another. He is not showing remorse. He is behaving in a hurtful and harmful manner.
You don't have to carry the burden of his lie around. If you need to tell a friend or family member do it. You need love and support right now.
Keep moving and just be cautious. Don't let him off the hook. Now is the time for YOU to define YOUR boundaries.
No texting, FB, phone #'s, etc. if he wants you to heal it is NOT negotiable.
Good luck. We are all here rooting for you.
You will learn a lot from the wonderful people here. You need to start taking care of you. I think one of the first things you need to do is make it clear that since he has shown a lack of boundaries in the past, he needs to stay way out of the zone of danger from now on. That means no female friends. He doesn't get to say, "we're just friends" and expect you to believe him. He has a long way to go and a lot of work to do before he can expect you to start trusting him. One of the things he can do is show you he is willing to give up having female friends for the sake of your marriage.
We are here for you. You matter and we care. Just take one moment at a time.
Be kind to yourself.
Next tell that A-hole that has overtaken your spouses body, that he is out of control and he needs to find a place tO stay other than home until he removes his head from his rear
Seriously he has shown NO remorse and is already finding his next conquest. Something is wrong in him. YOU cannot fix this. Only he can. For many WS they need to be shown what they are going to loose before they start to really work toward R. Get. Key logger on his computer and phone iif possible. Put a voice recorder in his car. Find out what he is up to.
Get yourself to a lawyer ASAP. If you can't afford it go to a battered women's shelter. He is abusing you. This is not to prep for D it's for you to gain knowledge and strength.
You need support and strength if you hope to sav this marriage.
Keep reading keep posting an know we are all here for you.
My MIL was a great help to me.
Get yourself an IC, and get yourself to a lawyer. Make a to do list for yourself each day and work on widdeling it down.
You have to keep in mind that this is very much like a highly addictive narcotic drug to a weak-minded WS. They will continue wanting and going after that high regardless of the hurt and destruction they cause around them.
The only way they will stop is if the consequence for their betrayal is very real and absolute. It must be something that they cannot delude themselves away from.
The "180" is a start. Don't try to bargain or beg. Do not take blame - ever.
What I found is the best and ultimate way to get their attention is to file for divorce and have them served with the divorce petition. When they have the actual Dissolution of Marriage Petition papers in their hand, with a case number and presiding judges signature, then they will see that you are NOT going to allow yourself to be walked over or be emotionally abused. They will see that YOU are taking control and are going to end this shit once and for all. They will realize that their value to you has dropped dramatically and that you value yourself and your family more than this Jerry Springer bullshit that they have heaped upon you. They will realize that you know you can do better than this.
I have recently finalized my divorce from my XWS. She acted just like your WS. I found out, she claimed it was over, had NC, and wanted to work on reconciling. It was all total bullshit. It was still going on but she just tried to take it underground more. I knew it was still going on the whole time but she kept denying. It wasn't until I filed for divorce that she ended it and wanted to reconcile. She was remorseful, regretful, guilty, and shameful. I was way too far gone at that point. We are divorced and she still wants to reconcile. That is the power of a hard and real consequence. Remember you can file and then suspend it or dismiss it as needed.
Yes, you do belong here. I am divorced now and I still belong here because I want to share my journey with others that will be going through the worst feeling I have ever known. It was through learning what others had been through that helped me get through this - and do it in a healthy way.
Please stay and read as much as you can.