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User Topic: When women fall out of love (need encouragement)
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Suspicious  Posted: 5:14 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So when men cheat it's usually for sex. When women cheat, they are DONE with you. In my case, there's several factors.

1- She fell out of love as one of her major needs wasn't met nor did she communicate it effectively for several years.

2- We're all dysfunctional, but she does have some deep routed child issues that have come up in all of this and also the reason for the needs not being met irregardless.

One of the things is me not bringing in sufficient income and not feeling protected. So I'm trying my best to win her back (despite forgiving the A), but the job situation sucks, I'm hurting financially and it seems like every day something goes wrong. How am I suppose to win her back when the root cause of the A (or one of) is still here alive and well and kicking my butt?

Frustrated, feeling broken, undeserving of my wife despite the A she had.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1220 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, those generalizations don't necessarily fit for everyone. My W certainly was far from done with me. In fact, most WSes cheat because they're effed up. If a WS 'gets it', she's likely to be great partner for the rest of her life. If she doesn't 'get it', she's not worth living with, no matter how wonderful she was before she jumped into unreality.

Your W cheated you. Shouldn't she be the one to win you back, if she can?

If she doesn't change, is she a woman you want to spend the rest of your life with? 20 years of love is great and worth rebuilding, but if she's done and you stick with her, you're facing 40-60 years of hell on earth.

Man, I think you can do better - yeah, you show a some co-dependency every once in a while, but you can stop that. More important, you also show insight, humanity, intelligence, and solid values that make you a good catch. You're loving, lovable, and capable. Don't give your life away to a memory of a partner who's no longer available.

So I encourage you to be true to yourself - be real - that's the way to attract the love you're entitled to.

[This message edited by sisoon at 5:36 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9735 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So when men cheat it's usually for sex. When women cheat, they are DONE with you.

I'm not buying that.

Just my opinion but the WW is looking outside for what only comes from the inside. It sounds like it is all twisted around and you are taking the blame for all this crap. It's not your income, your personality or what you bring to the relationship that created this mess. It's what she did not bring to the relationship that created this mess.


Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1108 | Registered: Jul 2011
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So when men cheat it's usually for sex. When women cheat, they are DONE with you.
I'm not buying it, either.

And I'm not buying your wife's "reasons," either.

If her needs were not met, there were ways to address that.

Hell, if she was "DONE with you," there were acceptable ways to address that, too.

I know the impulse to make sense of nonsense. I know that it seems "easier," somehow, if you find a "reason," even if that assigns blame to yourself.

But truly, the fact that you have (or she has) articulated the thoughts doesn't make them so.

Consider that your wife CHOSE to cheat. Perhaps it was an exit affair, and perhaps not. (This is not determined by gender, but by the individual.) And---most importantly---that it has nothing to do with you.

Consider that, even if it means you won't understand why. It may be easier to absorb some of the blame so that you feel as though you have some sort of control. But it's a really flawed way of thinking---and it really impede your healing.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8312 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sisoon - you are right. Sometimes I guess I fall into the desperate point because I can't find employment so therefore you feel like you're going to loose your wife again. She's not threatening me nor does she have one foot out the door. I'm traumed I guess. PTSD.


foundoutlater - I hear ya.

solus sto - I think the issues are not part of the A, but certainly a contributing factor that I'm wanting to remove. I shouldn't get desperate like that.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1220 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The trouble ith figuring out why anyone cheats, is they often don't bother trying to justify, explain it, rationalize it, normalize it - whatever - until they are up to their necks in it. Either emotionally or physically. So the real reason is buried in them from before they even started the A.

Why were they on the prowl, either actively looking, flirting, sending out the "I'm on the make" vibe?

Did they really ever believe in monogamy, or was this the first real chance.....who knows.

But it seems to me, the least likely person to understand the true meaning of why a WS cheats, cheated, or is cheating, is the newly busted WS. JMO.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3581 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd like to encourage you to ditch these bizarre "easy" soundbites about why women cheat and zero in on YOUR marriage. The generalizations I'm reading are almost offensive. Your wife cheated as a choice she made. If she had problems with you and/or your marriage she had the responsibility to work with you to resolve the problems and/or find a way to exist with them. Instead she chose to cheat. That is on her. You aren't to be blamed for her choice.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9238 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the things is me not bringing in sufficient income and not feeling protected

Protected against what, exactly? How is setting herself on fire a solution?

Fall out of love. Hate that statement. Almost as much as fall in love. It sounds like a forensic analysis of a crash site.

Love can be eroded and die. Absolutely. Marrying someone to take care of you is bullshit, though. The economy is dicey. You know the whole richer or poorer thing? I have friends that had their fortune go up in smoke (actually more like crash) from this latest "hiccup". They're pulling together and doing what's needed to get back on track. Together. Both contributing.

What exactly are you trying to win back? Someone that bails if your FICA score falls? With your best friend, no less?

I can understand if someone is out of a job and sits on their ass while the other is working their ass off creating a respect and resentment problem.

Her choice to cheat was honestly not the result of your economic status. Somewhere she developed thought processes that enabled her to look at you as the reason she was unhappy.

Yes, our partners can absolutely impact our happiness. If that weren't true this site wouldn't exist. That said, it is "our" happiness or needs met or whatever other benchmark used so therefore our responsibility.

You see so often when someone has been dealt an enormous cosmic fuck you and builds a bridge to get over it rather than becomes a tour guide of it like it's a damn attraction.

Bottom line is the root cause of the A is her. Period. Do what you need to do for yourself. Detach. Focus on your healing. You can't fix her with money or profession.

I can honestly tell you that my healing only happened when I factored my ex completely out of the equation. His choices. His actions. His behavior. When it ceased to be on my radar you'd be surprised how my issues became crystal clear. Crystal. Glaring. Throbbing. Ugly. There the whole time.

Until that time every rorschach test will be "your" failings and none of what she really needs to focus on. Don't help her continue to avoid.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
I think I can
♀ Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So when men cheat it's usually for sex. When women cheat, they are DONE with you. In my case, there's several factors.
1- She fell out of love as one of her major needs wasn't met nor did she communicate it effectively for several years.

IMO, none of the above is true. Sex is not why my husband cheated--we had a great sex life (he agrees.)

And reason number one is complete WS blameshifting bullshit that I cannot believe you are buying. Do you want to believe that because if it is your fault, then you have control over fixing it?

Are you in IC? Because you need to work on believing that you are worthy and deserving of love. Right now, just as you are--you are worthy to be loved.

The fault is hers, 2m2q. Not yours.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8788 | Registered: Jan 2008
kernel
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So when men cheat it's usually for sex. When women cheat, they are DONE with you. In my case, there's several factors.

Not buying it either. My X is the one that was done - complete detachment and abandonment because he could not deal with his own shit. So he chose to run away to crazyville instead.

One of the things is me not bringing in sufficient income and not feeling protected.

This strikes me as a convenient excuse. Did you make some agreement before marriage that you would provide X amount of dollars or else she would cheat on you? Not buying this either.

So I'm trying my best to win her back

As many have said on these boards over and over, you can't "nice" them into loving you. The problem is within her and no amount of money or niceness or groveling on your part will fix her. YOU are the victim here - quit letting her turn that around on you. It's called blameshifting and you are swallowing it like it's ambrosia. Spit that shit out and call her on it. SHE should be trying to win YOU back. Please value yourself - you are worthy of real love and you don't deserve to be treated this way. It won't stop until you refuse to accept it.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4911 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my. This is NOT your fault.

My XWH probably could have studied to enter a profession where he would have made WAY more money, but he didn't want to-- and I supported that. He didn't make a terrible living, but he had the potential to be making much more. You know what I wanted?

I wanted him to be happy. If taking a job for lesser pay that he liked more made him happy, then that was what was more important to me.

THAT'S what your WW should have been thinking. And guess what? If money is that important to her, then she can get cracking and start making more money!

One last thing-- we all have deep-rooted child issues and times when we feel our needs aren't being met. Many of us do not cheat. It never occurred to me to cheat even when I felt suffocated and sad in my M. Your WW made that choice of her own volition. No one is to blame for her choice except her.

(((2married2quit)))


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3537 | Registered: Oct 2011
FeelingSoMuch
♂ Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All of those issues sound to me like separate issues.

About employment, I'm not sure if you live in a larger city. If you're struggling, go to a government-run or non-profit employment center. They are of great help.

In addition, consider having your resume done by a professional. It'll cost you about $100, but it's well worth it.

If you're not finding a job on your own, there's no shame in getting help.

You sound like an articulate person, dedicated and loyal. You're definitely employable.

One suggestion is to tackle those difficult issues one at a time.

Good luck and stay strong.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
aesir
♂ Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So when men cheat it's usually for sex. When women cheat, they are DONE with you.

Women may be more inclined to be done with you after they cheat because of the thought processes used to justify it after the fact, but that is a bell curve thing and there are examples of both genders going either way. They cheat because of them, not because of you.

In my case, there's several factors.

Okay lets look at them.

1- She fell out of love as one of her major needs wasn't met nor did she communicate it effectively for several years.

Was this need a spouse with psychic abilities?

2- We're all dysfunctional, but she does have some deep routed child issues that have come up in all of this and also the reason for the needs not being met irregardless.

Those may be worth exploring for her. You can't fix them yourself. (I also made the mistake of trying to fix or at least patch for years, long before the A.)

One of the things is me not bringing in sufficient income

So did she view the whole relationship through a transactional model, where she was trading sex and fidelity for financial support? I know there is a word for at least half of that formula. Where you merely a financial object to be juxtaposed with her as a sexual object? Would such a conclusion justify you having an affair if she got fat? Old?

and not feeling protected.

Gotta echo UO on this one, protected from what? Sexual predators out to nail married women? (I might actually give her that one if she admitted it, perhaps along with a chastity belt if she felt the need for that kind of protection.)

So I'm trying my best to win her back (despite forgiving the A), but the job situation sucks, I'm hurting financially and it seems like every day something goes wrong.

Marriage is a team sport. You win or lose together, based on how well you function together. Raising the salary cap does not buy you a better team, but it can recruit an entitled diva.

How am I suppose to win her back when the root cause of the A (or one of) is still here alive and well and kicking my butt?

You aren't, with or without the alleged root causes. She either has to find her way back on her own, or she will do it again anyway. If you start thinking of her like a prize at the fairgrounds to be won, I would sugggest you look at some of the ones I have picked up over the years. They all look like they are in pretty rough shape, not really the quality you would want if you were to make an informed choice.

Frustrated, feeling broken,...

I will agree with those as being healthy reactions. It is very frustrating and can make you feel broken, especially when you have to deal with this shit when you really want to be focused on fixing the job situation and finances. Did she really think that her having an A would really help with that? Somehow scare you into a better job as if you didn't want more money on your own?

...undeserving of my wife despite the A she had.
Time for you to really look at the 180 (I almost never say this), not because of anything about your wife, or your marriage, but because you desperately need it. You need to see the value in you. You have been a team player concerned with winning the championship of life, while she has been playing superstar and padding her stats at the expense of the team and it's performance. Who is the deserving one? If you were the coach or GM, which one would you trade?


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
Bluebird26
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not buying it either, people cheat a) because they chose to cheat, no one accidently has an affair.

One of the things is me not bringing in sufficient income and not feeling protected.

I am the BS in my situation. If this was the reason, then I would have cheated. My exwh has barely held any job longer then a few months, for the last 10 years. Money has always been tight. My reaction to this issue was to get a stable job not cheat.

Cheating is about the WS not you. It is not your job to heal the WS, it's up to them (and a good IC) to figure out what they need to do to fix this. You know the old saying you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. You can't heal this alone.



"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1280 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
laney57
♀ Member
Member # 35617
Default  Posted: 4:03 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2married,
Please listen to everyone. The examples you provided are incorrect.
My WH thinks that the only thing he is responsible for is providing an income. That is so sad I think. He has lost his wife because of that mentality. I would rather live in a box with someone who was true, faithful, loving than live in this house with someone who is not connected to me whatsoever :( Hugs and strength to you.


Me - BS, 43
Him - WH, 45
Married - 22 years
D-Day - 05/12/2012
Trying to find me.
Gotta do this, but I'm broken - headed for divorce - 02/20
Hell if I know - 02/24
INS 07/2013 Divorcing

Posts: 226 | Registered: May 2012 | From: KY
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Another voice to the chorus. The sad clown cheated because he was/is a loser.

Cheating is what losers do.

The sad clown did not cheat for sex - he cheated as an escape, running from himself, yet again. He is still running now.

You would not have found an unhappier wife than me. I too was DONE with the him but in total denial about it. I waited for the feelings to come back but years of neglect and emotional abuse slowly eroded the love I had for him.

I did not cheat.

It makes me angry when someone says men cheat for sex. Like it absolves them - he couldn't help it - he's a man - mustn't have been getting it at home - if she took care of her man he wouldn't have done this.

Load of bullshit. Men and women cheat for the same reasons - the excuses they give themselves sometimes differ but deep down its the same reason and it existed well before their innocent, unsuspecting BS came into the picture.

It is a toxic coping mechanism that has followed them all of their lives in one manifestation or another. It continues to do so unless or until they do the work to fix whatever the hell is wrong with them.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5399 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay guys, I got a lot of 2x4's here, but I want to thank you all cause I know you mean the best for me and you guys are RIGHT. I need to stop worrying about winning her back and just do the best for me and my career so I can provide for me and the kids and of course her as well.

I recently sold the business which was one of the reasons for our economic issues. So going back to the work force has been challenging. Never the less, I've been hard at work in the mean time doing sales as a commissioned employee while I find something stable. Still, debt, back taxes and other issues have risen and make things even more challenging making me feel as though she is going to leave me. Perhaps it's anxieties from the whole A. Sorry, can't help it. Gotta get myself together and rise up to the challenge.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1220 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
heartbroken2012
♀ Member
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't give your life away to a memory of a partner who's no longer available.

I really like this sisoon.


BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 544 | Registered: Jan 2013
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I'm trying my best to win her back

she needs to win YOU back, IMO.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5386 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, man. I missed the insufficient income part of this. It's awful to lose one business (well, I'll give mine up in a heartbeat if I win a Lotto jackpot) or one's job. Really awful.

Since you're looking for work, I think you'll find value in Liz Ryan's stuff on job searches - humanworkplace.com and the humanworkplace Yahoo! group. I urge you - and anyone else on the job market - to see if Liz's stuff resonates with you. (My only connection with HW is as an interested reader of the group, which is free to join.)

I'm glad you're finding yourself and your strengths again.

(Thanks for your comment, hb2012)


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9735 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 21
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