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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: i need help with my son
KeepOnMovin
♂ Member
Member # 38245
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, this is not directly D/S, but you all so much understand kids. i need help.

DS16 has a gf who is 14 years old. I never really liked this, but figured once he got into his sophomore year, he would get bored with her/outgrow her. That hasnít happened. Theyíve gone out for almost a year now. I always thought it was strange her parents would allow their 14 year old daughter to date a 16 year old.

DS16 is really close to gfís family, especially the mom. Since the affair and the divorce proceedings began, he has spent a lot of time over there. Said itís the only place he has where heís not constantly confronted with the reality of the family breaking up. I have allowed it.

DS16 also has had a very tenuous relationship with his mom since the affair and the divorce stuff started. He has always been a mommaís boy. It has really upset STBX, but I figured it was mostly due to him feeling betrayed. STBX just needs to give him time, and own this is a consequence of her choice.

Now, I am starting to think gfís mom (henceforth known as creepy mom), is brainwashing/manipulating my son. I know this sounds crazy, but hear me out. About a month ago, creepy mom told DS16 they would not allow gf to contact him and vice versa while he stayed with STBX. Their reasoning was to protect her from the non-Christian things going on over there. I told him creepy mom was manipulating him, but he wouldnít accept that.

So now he never stays with his mom and barely speaks to her. Sometimes, he barely speaks to me. (I know, thatís typical teenage stuff) I figured so long as I provided a safe and secure home for him, he would be ok. he would come around.

There have been other manipulation tactics over the past too. Like buying him gifts, inviting him to certain events, but not others (like gfís 8th grade graduation), inviting other boys to do things with gf, but not him (and posting it on FB for him to see), making her break up with him, and then fashioning a reconciliation, making him a scrap book of their relationship, guilt tripping him over past relationships with other girls, and many others.

Iíve tried to point this out to him, and I thought he would eventually see it. But heís so foggy now, I can no longer get to him. Then I found the text messages. About 30 minutes ago, I discovered DS16 and creepy mom exchanged over 3700 text messages for the May to June billing cycle. Several of those have occurred well into the evening and after midnight. I am truly afraid.

Creepy mom has another daughter who is several years older. STBX shared with me, stories of creepy mom brainwashing her other daughterís former boyfriends, in a similar fashion. There are three that I know of, and all tell a similar tale. One of them described it as almost a cult thing. Creepy mom would even impersonate her daughter in emails to these boys. One of those ladies is supposed to call me tonight.

DS16 says heís in love with his gf, and creepy mom talks to him about their future; of him marrying gf and having kids. So, Iím totally worried.

Iím so upset with myself for allowing this to go on. What should I do next? Call the police? Block her number? If I were texting a 16 year old girl like that, I would look like a huge pervert. I am just sick. I have half a mind to go over to their house and confront this crazy bitch, but maybe a letter from my lawyer would be better?


Me: BH
Her: who cares?
Married: 22 years
2 sons at home
1 son in college
Divorced on 9/4/14!
Often it's the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self.

Posts: 331 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you're in a very precarious position. Creepy Mom is brandishing power that's not hers to brandish. She has a daughter who is very underage and could at any moment decide to accuse your son of rape (whether true or not). I think you need legal counsel. And don't confront the mom directly.

On the other hand, nothing you can say or do is going to get through to a 16-year old young man's brain.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9820 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm Sorry, KOM.

I can hear your worry, your frustration, your love for your son. He is lucky to have you by his side and some day I hope will tell you that, even if not for a time to come.

Anyway, I think Nature Girl has something there, it seems like it may not be beneficial to confront or contact Creepy Mom directly. And it sounds like directness isn't working with your son right now. I'm sorry for that. I have hard times when DD10.5 doesn't listen to her mother (lots).

One thing I can think of is if you could keep a silent journal of things related to Creepy Mom and your son, it may help later on down the road, especially if anything...untoward...comes to pass.

I think that Creepy Mom is wayyyy too involved with her daughter's life and relationships and needs to step back, in some ways, and in other ways spend the time educating the daughter instead of being in contact with the BF's.

I wonder if there's any way to communicate to Creepy Mom that she's out of line with your son, if you feel that way, but not in a confronting or suspicious way. The late night hours are drastic enough and he's still a schoolboy, so she's interrupting sleep for him and other things he's responsible for, I would think?

And texting isn't free and that amount may accrue more bills, I don't know, but you or the dad shouldn't have to pay those if someone is abusing it...in my opinion.

So maybe there is a way to somehow find distance for your son, but in a way that would be...less direct. Then it may annoy her but not be accusing her of things you aren't sure of.

I just am not sure what vehicle to communicate with or how, without starting a confrontation.

Anyway...


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It occurs to me that there might be some kind of special interest, hobby, sport or service project that your son might be interested in. Maybe? Maybe if you found a channel for his energy & time he might lose a little focus on his gf and the situation with Creepy Mom might lessen.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9820 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why not ask to see your son's phone?


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1280 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
Kajem
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Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly,

I would seek legal counsel on this in order to protect my son. I would also ask the lawyers advice on the best way to handle creepy mom so the legal ramifications are minimal to you and your family.

I have 4 DD's... I have been friends with some of their BF's... I have texted them at times.. like when my DD is ignoring her curfew or her mother... or when planning a surprise for her. It does not take 3700 text messages to do that!

I would ask for his phone, then ask him about the messages. If they are inappropriate, then you NEED to go to the police. And the phone is evidence.

Is there any way for your phone company to send you a copy of the text messages? That might be a better way to go about it. My feeling asking your son for his phone is going to hurt your relationship AND put him and her on high alert to take their correspondence undergroud.

I am sorry, but it doesn't look good no matter which way this goes.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5262 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are in a really difficult position. If your DS16 is really infatuated with his GF, there is nothing you are going to say to get through to him at that age. HOWEVER, I would brush up on your statutory rape laws in your state and have a F2F sit-down with him to educate on what those laws are to prepare him of what Creepy Mom may try to pull at some point. If he knows what is at stake, he may decide it is worth it, or at least decide to back off the relationship until she is "of age" to avoid any problems. That would buy you time with the possibility that his ardor for her may cool off.

I suggest this because my DD16 (she is now 22) was dating a dirtbag I didn't like behind my back. She was still underage. I confronted dirtbag at his place of employment of told him I would file statutory rape charges if he didn't stay away from her. I also had a F2F with DD16 to tell her the same thing so she knew what I was doing. The dirtbag decided to back off rather than risk it, though he told me to my face, "when she is 18 she can make her own decisions and you can't say a thing." True, but two years was a very long time! In that time, DD16 came to her senses and moved on to greener pastures. What I did was buy some time to let the hormones cool down, and it worked. So you may be able to achieve the same thing with your DS.

I would not confront Creepy Mom because she is in the position to create problems with your son if she is pushed over the edge...


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1187 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Certainly you want to hear what the other mom has to say about her son's involvement with Creepy Mom. As far as the relationship - I haven't a clue honestly.

But the statutory issue I'd be concerned with is - some Creepy Mom is texting a 16 year old boy 3700 times (back and forth) in a month! I don't care what she is saying!
No - that's not true - I would want to know what she is saying but - but that is just plain creepy, and completely inappropriate.


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4129 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
ArkLaMiss
♀ Member
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keep, are you sure this woman hasn't molested your son? I think you need a lawyer, police report and a restraining order. She's grooming him, imo. I think she's a real sicko who uses her daughters as bait!


Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1202 | Registered: Jun 2007
KeepOnMovin
♂ Member
Member # 38245
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well last night, I did talk to a mom who dealt with creepy mom 10 years ago. her son went through so much of what mine is going through. She told me of her son and two other boys who dealt with creepy mom. One eventually fathered a child with the daughter (at 15).

Creepy mom then tormented the babyís fatherís mom while she was at work at a department store. She would wrap the baby up, and then come to the store, but refuse to let the other grandmother see the baby. She did this several times. Eventually the store manager confirmed the harassment on security video and banned creepy mom from coming in.

The parents of the boys compared notes, and learned this woman picks a boy whose parents are decently well off and stable. The kid is usually a nice, naÔve, trusting, conscientious kid, with self-esteem issues. A kid who is vulnerable to her manipulation tactics. My son fits this so well. The divorce even makes it worse.

She said she felt like her son was brainwashed. Was at creepy momís house all of the time and even slept there. Creepy mom would leave her daughter (14 at the time) with a 16 year old boy by themselves in the bedroom routinely. Even suggested they nap together during the day. They realized her goal was to get her daughter pregnant by 16, and she succeeded.

Creepy mom would play the boys against each other. Would tell Boy A that he needs to behave a certain way, or her daughter would choose Boy B. And vice versa. Really played the boys against each other.

Her son broke out of his Ďtranceí when he and another boy were talking. Boy A told Boy B, the daughter was Instant Messaging him one evening. Boy B said that was impossible since he was out with the daughter. They realized creepy mom was pretending to be the daughter.

The mom I spoke with told me she was so afraid of losing her son to this woman, she just felt paralyzed. They were lucky he figured it out for himself. Her son is 26 now, and is 3 hours shy of graduating with his law degree. She said he would be happy to talk to my son about his experience. She also said the daughter came to him and apologized for her motherís crazy behavior, while they dated.

The mom suggested I confront creepy mom. Said she thinks creepy mom will back off if STBX and I join forces; let her know that we are wise to her game and will do everything in our power to stop it. I still think I need to not be involved in a confrontation. I have a meeting with my attorney to discuss this. I think cease and desist all contact with my family letter may be the way to go. I know my son will hate me for a while. But I think once he figures her out, he will thank me. It may be a few years down the road. I have to be willing to accept that.

Iíve tried to channel my sonís energy elsewhere. Bought him a guitar for his birthday, and suggested we have his guy friends over for a swim party. Heís just not biting right now.

I am desperate to help my son.


Me: BH
Her: who cares?
Married: 22 years
2 sons at home
1 son in college
Divorced on 9/4/14!
Often it's the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self.

Posts: 331 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are in a horrific situation. I am so sorry. I have not been in your shoes, but I have some ideas for you to consider.

First, you should confer with your lawyer how to protect your son ASAP. You need to know all the laws that apply in your state to all the specifics of your situation. In some states, he may already be old enough or very close to it to be tried as an adult and get put on a sex offender list if he has sex with GF. Also, you need to know how to proceed and collect evidence in his favor and against Creepy Mom for not only things with the girlfriend, but for any stuff Creepy Mom does against your son or you.

Second, I think you really need to tell him in light of the age difference and to ensure he is supervised properly, he is no longer allowed at girlfriend's house, but she is welcome to come to your house with you there or in public events with supervision. You could have your ex make the same offer if you think it would help. Obviously any direct attempts at you preventing him from seeing her will fall on deaf ears and they would take it underground. But if you show him you are on his side now, maybe he will listen to you more down the road.

Third, I think your son needs therapy if he isn't already doing it. To deal with the divorce, and with the craziness and abuse Creepy Mom is subjecting him to. But I would tell the son it is to deal with the divorce, and tell the IC in private the back story on Creepy Mom. Your son may take the same guidance you would have given him from a 3rd party better. And the IC may get info you are not privy to that sheds light on other issues you aren't aware of.

Fourth, totally concur with getting him into another interest like music or sports. If he won't bite, maybe it is time he "needs" SAT/ACT tutoring and practice, which will take some time away from the GF. Or volunteering to be a more attractive college candidate, etc. If you could get him to pair up with a buddy for it, then maybe it can be a bonding experience.

Again, I can't imagine what this must be like and I wish you the very best for you and your son. Please keep us posted.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1484 | Registered: Jun 2011
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Over 3700 texts in one month from his girlfriend's MOTHER?? I wouldnt walk, I would RUN to the police station.. That is absolutely and completely inappropriate.

ETA: Yes, your son could be upset with you, but it's YOUR JOB to protect him. Time for some counseling..

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 5:51 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2304 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
tabitha95
♀ Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't posted on this thread yet, but I read it and can't stop being disturbed by the whole thing.

This lady is definitely "creepy", but sick is another word.

Your family needs to have nothing to do with anyone in her family.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You said if you were texting a 16 year old girl like that,you would be looked at as a huge pervert.

Don't give this woman a pass because she's a woman.

Don't ask for his phone..if something is going on,he will delete his messages before he gives it to you. Take it.

Protect your child.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7678 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You said if you were texting a 16 year old girl like that,you would be looked at as a huge pervert.

Don't give this woman a pass because she's a woman.

Don't ask for his phone..if something is going on,he will delete his messages before he gives it to you. Take it.

Protect your child.

I couldn't agree more.

I have a 16-year-old son, and if any woman texted him the way this woman has texted your son, she'd either be dead or in jail.

The statutory issue with which to be concerned is HER impropriety with your son.

This woman has a known history of exploitation and grooming of young men.

This isn't a, "Gee, we'd prefer you date someone else" situation. It's a "You will not see this girl, and here's why, and here's what will happen if you do."

He MUST be protected from this woman.

And I would NOT approach her myself. I'd let your attorney figure out how to tackle this. My inclination would be to get a court order for the content of the texts, and take them to the police.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8835 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a 16-year-old son, and if any woman texted him the way this woman has texted your son, she'd either be dead or in jail.

Ditto!


Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13806 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Topic Posts: 16

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