There has been a lot of other things going on in the past couple of years that have really tested us. We have lost 3 family members out of the blue since January 2012, a nephew, a sister in law, WH mother and we just found out his dad had stage 3 bladder cancer and prognosis is not good. Husband has been diagnosed as Bi-Polar and both our sons have been dealing with depression and one tried to commit suicide but with hospital stays the right meds seems to be doing better just wonít get a job so we are still supporting him at 23 which has been a financial strain on us. So to say weíve been tested is an big understatement. But through it all we have held onto each other we are best friends, we are both the love of our lives, but lately we seem to be falling apart. We are fighting a lot more, I admit Iím overly sensitive about everything right now and he is so eat up with guilt over all that heís done to me that we both keep talking about needing a separation.
My dilemma is neither of us really wants to separate but we both keep bringing it up and we just feel we need a break to figure out what we both want. Any advice on if we should or shouldnít. We both just so tired of it all. We are both so tired we can't think straight right now.
We're seeking out intensive MC to help us sort through the piles of baggage that have crept up in the last year. I'm hoping that this will breathe new life into our efforts.
Would you guys consider getting back into counseling after all this time? I know that from the outside it looks daunting, but every time I get into counseling I definitely feel some relief.
I'm also having my IC revisit my issues with depression. It sounds like you might need to look into that as well.... I'm not saying this to judge, I just recognize so well the cloud that seems to be hanging over you, and I'd love to help you find a way to clear it.
Sending hugs and strength.
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot
Yes we have had MC just recently as a matter of fact and my WS still does IC but with our work schedules, he works nights I work days it so hard for us to go.
As for depression I'm on meds for it but my need to revisit the DR to change them. But I agree with you it could very well be that.
I'm ready to try anything.
Even doctors are raving about this intermittent fasting method, they say it has proved to be a huge boost to overall health besides helping to lose weight. Look up 'the fast diet' or 'the 5:2 diet' for more info. This may help in that you won't have to think about dieting every day.
(Just don't compensate by eating more on the non-diet days like I do )
[This message edited by ScubaGirl at 1:54 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]
...having to cook 2 different meals is a big pain.
Or he eats what you eat to be supportive and reduce the temptation to you. In fact exercising together is a great activity to improve health and spend time together.
Consider some tough love for the 23 year old. At the very least you and Mr. L&C should not be doing housework, lawn mowning, car washing, etc while you are supporting adult child.
Bi-polar I am sure is tough. Is he under medfical care and do the medications work? Is he compliant in taking them?
Finally, give yourself a break. Draw abck from everyone else's issues and make sure there is you time to take care of yourself.
btw, congrats on quitting smoking. No easy feat.
Now, before you think I'm heartless, I have a very severe case of bipolar disorder myself. So, I have nothing but his best interest at heart by saying this. He needs to be forced to deal with his problems. If he's got a crutch, he'll use it.
As for the weight, you need to put yourself first. You just do. Your children are grown, oh, and so is your husband, who must alsoi figure out how to deal with his bipolar for himself.
I'm not sure why you think you're responsible for all these other grown adults? Is is a control thing? Learned co-dependence?? You're absolutely NOT.
Advice on separating? If you love each other then no. Get some IC for yourself to figure out why you feel so responsible for others and cut it out. With grown children "work, family and being tired" and no time to exercise and having to cook two meals should only be work and possibly tired. How much do you work? If you work less than 60 hours a week then you should be able to make time to exercise, and the more you exercise and eat healthy the less tired you will be.
Cook for yourself and make your husband responsible for himself. You can tell him what you're going to have and offer to make it for him too, if you'd like, but you don't have to.
Finally, there is a lot to be said for pre-packaged diet plans. I've done Medifast with a TON of success. I've heard good things about other plans as well, but it certainly cuts out cooking, and makes the initial weight loss phase a no-brainer. You have to learn how to maintain later, but you have the motivation of having/keeping the weight off at that point.
And, gently, you really do deserve better than a cheating bipolar man who would suggest you are anything other than beautiful ever, especially when you're dealing with so much. 40 pounds isn't a miserable amount. I've had 5 kids so I've gained more than that (and lost it) multiple times. If you're consistent you can lose 40 pounds in 5 months or less.
For WHs bi-polar he had been on meds for the last 2 years and I think they finally got the combination right. It made a big, big differenct.
As for putting myself first on loosing weight. That is something I'm trying to learn to do I was raise very old fashion and trying to break that mold.
As for us going to MC together regularly it's kind of difficutlt I leave the house one week at 7:15 AM the other at 5:30 AM and I alway's get home at 5:15 PM. He leaves for work at 7:15 PM and get's home between 8-9 AM. We ofter refer to our selves as two ships passing in the night. We have a total of 2 hours a day and all day Sunday together. It's not a problem of making time to go to the MC it's having the time.
[This message edited by Lost n Confused at 2:52 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]
Honestly, I wouldn't separate. Any marriage would be limping in this situation of health issues, deaths, etc. Add to it the fact that you hardly see each other (and don't have support since the other isn't there when you might need it), and it is a tough recipe. In my opinion, I would try changing some things first and see if you can dig out of this pit. What kind of changes? Work on that weight loss. Sit down with your son and figure out a plan to get him out of the house, i.e. he has 6 months. You can be compassionate and take it slow with him. See how you and your H are doing after some positive changes and reassess.
I would also try giving each other some breathing room if that's what you really need, but under the same room
Is there some other thing maybe A related that has been surfacing in the last six months? Something that may have been put off initially but now is resurfacing?
I'm a runner. I prefer to just take off instead of deal with stress, even though I know that running away doesn't make the stress go away. That's what I think is going on with you guys right now.