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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Issues with sex after husband's O N S
FightingOn
♀ New Member
Member # 39654
Concerned  Posted: 10:40 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, I was on another forum but didn't feel there was a lot of support so I wanted to try here!

Short story, 4-2-12, my husband who worked away from home 6 days out of every two weeks got black out drunk and woke up next to a "woman" from the bar. I use the term woman lightly as my research found this was a frequent thing she did. He "butt dialed" me from my pocket at the bar, I finally got ahold of him when he was back at the hotel (he stayed at company provided hotels while gone) told me he was sleeping I told him he was lying etc. He woke up next to a naked woman. The worst part was I knew... I herd her asking him at the bar why he was leaving so early and where he was going... a woman doesn't ask that unless she has other ideas.

It's been a long year+, I first went through hysterical bonding, and now it's to the point where I don't really want to have sex because every time I have desire I get the thoughts of him having sex with this other woman, which needless to say is not helpful.

We did MC and haven't been for some time as we're fighting with the insurance to pay their share. We have thousands in counseling bills racked up right now...

Any books? Advice? Needless to say this is very distressing to me and the whole situation has taken a huge hit to my self esteem. I know that I'm a great person, I'm a great nurse, a great mom, a great friend... but I don't FEEL good about myself. I was doing really great for a while but now it's getting bad again. Whoever said time heals all wounds has never had a life like mine. My whole life has been hard and I've always been strong, but I'm at the point where I wonder how much longer I can be strong for, it'd be so much easier just to break down and give up.

ETA: He's been doing good for the most part of working on our marriage. He's quit drinking and has a job where he's home every night. Both parts of my requirements for our marriage.

[This message edited by FightingOn at 10:41 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2 | Registered: Jun 2013
SorrowBhindSmile
♀ Member
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too, struggle with sex with my WH. its up and down for me. I am one of those people that cant just have sex for sex. I need to feel a connection. The mind movies i have of WH and OW are brutal and really kill me sometimes.

I am 6 months out from DDay. every day is a struggle. I have weeks where i feel great, connected and sex with WH is wonderful. I have weeks where i tank emotionally and there is no sex.

For me, i dont force it. If i feel it, i go with it. If i am not in the right state of mind, i dont have sex. I realize that part of me helping myself to heal is to allow myself to feel what i feel. I dont mask it, i dont push it down, i dont sweep it under the rug. I let the feelings come. I cry, i talk to my WH, i get angry.

Books that have helped me....Not Just Friends, After the Affair. I am also in the middle of reading Intimacy After Infidelity. I am only half way thru, but i am really enjoying that book.

I also read "How Can I Forgive You?" While it doesn't deal specifically about affairs (thats a small part), it is a general book about forgiveness, it was a good read for me personally. It opened my eyes to some different ways of looking at things...a different perspective.

My self esteem took a big hit too. I feel your pain. It has taken me a long time, and i am still struggling every day, but I just keep reminding myself that it was my WH that was broken, not me. He chose this, he did this. I didnt make him. There was nothing i did or didnt do. He made the choice. It wasnt about me...it was about him and his weaknesses...his poor boundries...his poor choices.


KEEP REMINDING YOURSELF

I know that I'm a great person, I'm a great nurse, a great mom, a great friend

dont let your WH poor choices diminish that. There was nothing you did or didnt do to cause his actions. He owns that, not you.

hugs to you



Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
huRtZ413
♀ Member
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

makes me sad for me and you i have no words.....just sucks both our WH had theyre ONS same month .



me_BW
him_WH


I'M ON THE FENCE



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH had a ONS too. We had just gotten to a good place. The HB was over. The rebound lack of desire because of the ONS was over. We were at a good, sexual place, where we could really enjoy each other.

And then I found out about a huge lie that he had been hiding for almost a year. Huge enough that I left the house.

I have both the wish to make love, just so that I can feel close to someone, and absolutely no desire at all because I can't trust the only person that I want to feel close to in that way. From healthy sexual appitite and appreciation to nothing. Nada. Flat.

I don't know what to tell you either. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4557 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
twodoves
♀ Member
Member # 39181
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Skan, I have similar feelings.

The desire to have sex is definitely there.

But I can't stop thinking about him with those women. It makes me feel awful about myself. It makes me feel ashamed about myself.

I want to have sex, and I don't want to have sex with anyone else besides my husband, but when I think about having sex with him it just makes me cry.

My husband's ONS was May 2012. I found out May 2013. I remember him texting me that night, telling me that he loved me and he missed me...

I hate feeling like this.


Me - BS
Him - WS (N3v3rG1v1ngUp)
Together 7 years, married for 2
He was cheating for 5 years
5 OW
D-days: 4/23/13, 4/27/13, 5/10/13
1 toddler, baby girl on the way in December

Posts: 160 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Illinois
FightingOn
♀ New Member
Member # 39654
Target  Posted: 12:41 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to have sex, and I don't want to have sex with anyone else besides my husband, but when I think about having sex with him it just makes me cry.

This is right Twodoves, it's not that I don't want to, or don't have the desire, it's that I get reminded of that night and then have a "mini melt down", it's even happened in the middle of having sex before. I think he gets frustrated because things will be going good, then it's like it all reverts back. I know that as the time goes on it gets longer between. I am on Cymabalta to help, and it does. I have some past depression issues that the end of my first LTR but had been off meds for a long time prior to this.

I am unable to have sex with him in the missionary position (sorry if it's TMI) because in my mind that's how it happened, and that alone will cause me to have a major break down. It's upsetting how much anxiety I get over this, I am not a person with anxiety normally. I'm the one who is level headed, like if you see me freaking out or running... you better be freaking out more or running faster is what my friend always tells me, lol.

One day at a time, it's so good to feel like you're not alone, so thanks so much for everyone who shared. I am working on my self esteem, I've been unhappy about my weight for years, since after my youngest daughter was born, she's 9. My husband says he doesn't notice the difference, but I do. So I joined the wellness center at the hospital I work at and have a meeting with the personal trainer today. I figured that this is something I DESERVE to be healthy and lose weight so I feel better. So I'm really excited about it.

I'll try the bookstore to see if I can find some of those books, I have Forgiveness, a bold decision for a peaceful heart, but I haven't gotten far into it. It also has some unique points and reinforcement to things we should already know but tend to forget.


Posts: 2 | Registered: Jun 2013
twodoves
♀ Member
Member # 39181
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yeah, i've cried during too.

the positions he did with them really trigger me. even seeing them portrayed on tv. it all just turns my stomach.

i'm right there with you


Me - BS
Him - WS (N3v3rG1v1ngUp)
Together 7 years, married for 2
He was cheating for 5 years
5 OW
D-days: 4/23/13, 4/27/13, 5/10/13
1 toddler, baby girl on the way in December

Posts: 160 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Illinois
Topic Posts: 7

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