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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Children of Divorce
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are any of you children of divorce? Would you rather have your parents seperated and happy or together and miserable? Did you ever wish your parents would have stayed together no matter what?

H and I are S, but I'm starting to think about this topic...

Thanks in advance for responding,

-Libby.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The best thing my parents did was divorce. Life with them was stressful and miserable and that's what I remember from when I was 3-4 years old. I can only imagine how horrible it would have been had they stayed married any longer.


Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13807 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Fireball72
♀ Member
Member # 20152
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My parents were divorced in 1973, just when many people were beginning to utilize this as an option for struggling or failing marriages.

Since I was very young, I cannot remember precisely about any fighting going on - I only remember the custody battles afterward, which were very heated and extremely litigious. I think that it was the endless round of court cases and badly-disguised venom from BOTH parents that hurt me more than anything. I have no doubt, after these things, that divorce was absolutely the best thing they could have done.

I would advise anyone thinking of divorce to make it as clean a break, with as LITTLE drama as possible. I still have horrible memories of my parents arguing in court, anguished phone calls to lawyers, battles over visitation, etc. My father once called DSS on my mother alleging sexual abuse (not true) - there are a litany of things I will never forgive him for, but THAT is at the top of the list.

Divorce ended up being very painful for me, but in the end it was still most likely the best thing that could have been done. God only knows what further dysfunction I would have had if they'd stayed together.

[This message edited by Fireball72 at 10:22 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


XBS - 42 and fabulous :D
Remarried happily in 2013
A relationship is built for two. But apparently, some bitches don't know how to count!

Posts: 602 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
ninebark
♀ Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not a child of divorce, but there are times I almost wished I was. I love my father but he wasn't the best husband in the world, and he often put down my mother. I carry a lot of resentment because of that. I have told my mom that had they divorced when we were kids I would have been fine with that because every comment he made bad about her was a knife in my heart.

My son is a child of divorce and as Fireball72 has said we made it clean with very little drama. He gets to love and spend quality time with both his parents whenever he wants, we don't talk crap about each other in front of him. He learned that sometimes things dont' work out but that people can be mature and respectful of each other regardless.


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
doesitgetbetter
♀ Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My parents divorced before I turned 1. I would much rather have parents that were apart but happy than together and miserable. Unfortunately, I ended up with an apart AND miserable mother to raise me, so that didn't really help my childhood at all. Still, I would rather have seen her doing all those things she did to all those random guys than doing any of those things to my Dad while growing up. She was a hideous woman and a terrible mother, not because of the divorce though... it's just who she is.

When a child sees their parents fighting and arguing and being unhappy all the time, they have the uncanny ability to blame themselves for the parents anger and unhappiness. If the parents aren't together, then theoretically they will fight less and cause less trauma to the kids.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you ever wish your parents would have stayed together

Not even sure how to answer this, since it makes no sense in my context.

My mother was an abusive alcoholic who went on to marry a series of alcoholics. At age 4, my real father left me with my abusive mother and did not return to the picture until I was an adult. As a child, all I witnessed was drunkenness and domestic violence (both my mom and stepfather would frequently beat the shit out of each other) followed by divorce. My parents stay together?...What a joke.

For my FWW, her father abandoned their family at an early age by running off with the OW. Her mother blamed the kids for the father leaving, and after several years of failed suicide attempts in front of my FWW, finally had a complete breakdown and was committed.

My children were the main reasons I fought so hard for R. I had a an extremely strong desire for my children to grow up in a happy two parent home, where alcohol addiction, infidelity and domestic violence would have no part in their lives. I wanted to break the cycle for my children so they would never have to face what their Mother and I went through.

I beat the damn affair and kept my family together. I have had to deal with worse things than my wife hooking up with some young, buff, stud for a couple years. My children do not know about the affair, and if I can help it, they never will.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 11:01 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5695 | Registered: Aug 2007
Dancetilldawn
♀ New Member
Member # 36980
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My Father was an alcoholic. The type that was passed out drunk on the sofa every night. When he wasn't drinking he was loving, caring, and the best Daddy. My Mother was his loving caretaker. I begged my Mom to take us out of the mess at 12 years old. They separated, he tried Rehab again, came out started drinking and my Mom finally filed for D. The next year Mom found a bf and my Dad got 3 DUI's and tried to drink himself to death. He did end up in jail and lost his job. It was a very f....d up time for me. I grew up fast! My Mom was very open and we talked about everything. She still loved my Father and it was so difficult for her.
The mistake my mom made was the bf whom she did M and then D 3 years later.
If you get divorced, be smart and don't get serious with anyone. It just adds another layer for your kids to have to deal with.


BS 42 WH 45
BD 15 BS 18
D day #1 2/14/12
D day #2 5/17/12
married 18 years
At least 5 OW over 10 years
I am dedicated to my family, always have
been. I did not deserve this!

Posts: 37 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: USA
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My parents separated for the first time when I was 12. My dad had cheated (probably lots, but this time he got caught) and I got to confront him. When they got back together I was thrilled.

They separated for he second time when I was 14. When thy got back together I told my mom she was out of her mind to take him back.

Thy separated for good when I was 19. My dad had been cheating with a woman at work.

My mom is bitter to this day. I wish they had divorced the first time since their toxic marriage hurt all of us kids badly, and maybe my mom could have healed.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1742 | Registered: Nov 2010
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think each of us is who we are as a result of the environment we grew up in. My folks are still married, and next year will be their 50th. HOWEVER>>>>>

My dad did have an A when I was small, and my mom and he decided to work through it, and stay together. Thing is they didn't deal with whatever the real issue was, instead my dad submitted to my mom, doing anything and everything she asked for, she was somewhat abusive. Not physically, but very angry, and spite driven. He tended to drink lots, I suspect to escape and tolerate her wrath much of the time, and then the drinking would be an issue. They had a rough time when I was in my early teens, 11-14. I don't know if there was another A, or what, but it was ugly. Yelling screaming, mom leaving in her car angry, all the dysfunctional drama.

I can tell you I wished many times that they would just D and be done with it, didn't care where I lived just that it would be nice to not live in a house with the constant tension.
Funny thing is, I married a very strong, almost controlling man, who is kind, but stern, and I tend to be more laid back, and a people pleaser (formerly co-dependent). I do try to keep peace most of the time.
My sister is just the opposite, she married a man that she totally controls, and quite honestly doesn't really care if he is there or not. They don't seem to have a close relationship, haven't slept together for 20+ years, but I see a lot of my Mom in her. A lot of my dad in him (he does not drink). I see a lot of my dad in me, and I see some of the characteristics of my mom in my H, but overall we are pretty dang happy, and have a happy household.

So I guess at the end of the day knowing that they loved us, and each other, we saw dysfunction, and learned ways to deal or not deal with it, and it has helped us to learn to be happy. If they had D'd, and we didn't experience it, I don't know that we would be as well adapted as we are now.

WOW that went a bit deeper than I thought it would.

I do have a friend that managed to D amicably, and her and her X spouse have a good relationship, and do a great job co parenting. They are happy well adjusted kids. I guess it really is situational.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8707 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This post is operating on a pretty strict assumption....staying married and being miserable or divorcing and being happy.

I come from a divorced family...I would classify my parents as divorced and unhappy. My dad remarried, really nice lady, and has some good times of late...but he went through a very dark time after the divorce....basically disappeared from my life to the east coast...I went to see him when I was 21...he has since rejoined our lives somewhat. Mom never dated or remarried..still angry.

Turns out I have abandonment issues due to the disappearance of my dad. my wife is also from a divorced family.

My parents appeared happy to us kids...up until about 1 year before the divorce...then financial strain and dads affair took its toll on our family. So I basically thought my parents were good, no tension in the house, and then it was gone.

Wifes experience was the opposite...tension in the house, divorce should have come sooner for them.

Summary...IMO divorce simply moves the pain and suffering from one center to another...but neither provides true relief and joy.

Exception to this? If there is actual abuse going on...then it is time to leave.

God bless us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:00 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3971 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Kalliopeia
♀ Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My parents divorced. Mom divorced my father due to his infidelity and the escalating physical abuse he was inflicting on her and my older brother.

I didn't miss my father.

Mom remarried and we had a really big family.

I am GLAD she divorced my father.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Parents divorced, each remarried four times, each unhappy.

My advice, if you are thinking D, do it and don't drag it out, heal yourself before you ever think of being with anyone else ever again.

[This message edited by tired girl at 11:40 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5068 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine divorced because both of them cheated. The last 5 years or so of their marriage, while my Mom was in her LTA, was absolutely miserable. You might get a different answer if you asked my sisters but my little brother and I are both happy they divorced. The environment was absolutely toxic. Unfortunately, they both married their APs and I think both of my parents are miserable but too proud to admit failure.

Posts: 1734 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
melamber
♀ Member
Member # 38591
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


My mum divorced my dad down to his drink and violence. she then divorced my step dad because of his affair with her best friend.
With my dad she got out asap and and I don't blame her. I have memories still of being locked in my room with my mum while he was bashing the door of his head on drugs and alcohol.
With my step dad I wish she left sooner.
Mum found out, and like i have with my WS, told him to choose between them both.
He stayed with mum but for about 6 mths he was still seeing her.
He got caught when I spotted them having a "fondle" in his car, i was only 14 at the time.
My "loving" step dad tried to bribe me to keep quiet. And I did for about 3 wks, why cause I didn't want to loose another daddy Yeah that how low my step daddy sunk!!
But I knew I had to tell mum and I did. So then my mum and step dad planned was to move away.
They left me behind with family to do my final yrs at school. THEY MOVED 3HRS AWAY!!
During this time my SD was still seeing his OW.Finally my mUm had enough.
We were homeless for mths after( i still dont really know what happened) until we got our home.
My SD went on to have a child with his OW.( lasted 5 yrs before he left her for someone else)
Them 2-3 yrs were hell not only for my mum, but for me and my brother.

Kids know if their parents are unhappy.Children know more then they get credit for.
A child may be hurt and upset to begin with when parents separate, but isnt it better than to be living in an unhappy house???
For my situation with my WH i do think my past helped me know what i need for me and the kids.Read my profile.
We are in R and things are going ok but if i ever get to the point were i feel its not working I would kick him out. My kids are what important and in this situation whats the options...
1- stay together and really try and make it work. Do whatever it takes.
2- separate and yeah the kids will hurt and will be effect but in the short term with the right support and help from both parents.
3- Stay in an unhappy house were arguing happens daily etc.

A few things i would like to share from my childhood and from now.
Please BS never badmouth you WS(no matter how much you want to) in front of, too or in ear range of the children.
Its a terrible feeling for them.They feel torn up already with reliving it with hearing their other parent do that.
Remember they are also dealing with this betrayal and also need someone to talk to.
Most of all let them know how much both parents love them and also its ok to be part of their dads/moms lives. That that is what you want, for them to have a relationship with your WS.
And try to be polite to each in-front of them.
I knew myself what my SD, and even my dad was like, i was there,had/have memories,and it was hard to deal with in my own head with hearing its from others.


D-DAY -22ND OCT 2012
MARRIED 9YRS
ME-31YRS
WH-33YRS
KIDS-THREE -8,5 AND 1
STATUS- ?

Posts: 71 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: uk
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I am going against the trend here and think my parents divorce was selfish and traumatizing. Maybe because they both still loved each other and had a good marriage until the last 2 years. My Dad is on his 3rd marriage to a woman very like my mother. He has been honest and told me he regrets the divorce. If he had the wisdom he does now, he wouldn't have done it. It destroyed mine and my sisters lives for many years. As he said, it all ends up being the same thing. Same problems cropped up in each of his marriages. He just finally grew enough to address the problems in a healthy way.

To be clear, there was no abuse going on. My Dad started having an affair, instead of handling the problems in my parents marriage. He was immature and had married very young, at the age of 17.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 15

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