[This message edited by sicktomy at 6:40 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]
I totally get wanting to end the pain. I'm glad you've stepped back to find another approach to that.
Please. It is the kindest thing to do for all concerned -- your kids, their kids, the two BSs. And frankly, it will up the chances of you and your AP seeing or talking to each other. I don't see how you can have NC with the situation the way
[This message edited by StrongerOne at 8:57 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]
I feel so much pain in your situation. I don't know how your BS stands every day not knowing when or if she will encounter the OW, and to have to handle herself in front of her children when she does. This seems like the biggest torture, not a way to live life day by day. And to encounter the hostility of the OW with her childishly sticking her tongue out at her? In front of children? This is a toxic environment for all. Probably a move would work wonders, to a new neighborhood, new school. Sounds like your maybe assign more blame to the OW and thats why you went with the "get her out" option instead of leaving yourself. Or you want to avoid your children's disruption as you now want to protect your family as much as possible. But that can't be at the expense of the other BS, other children, which I think you know and didn't really want. I think there was desperation in your suggestion. It doesn't seem like the other family has any intention of leaving even if you think it would be easier for them than you. Please bring some harmony into your home by relocating, out of the school and the neighborhood where there would still be run ins. Hugs to your BS, I hope she can get through her days and find some peace for herself, her children, her family. After all,, with all the anxiety about this situation, you hurt your children as they have two anxious, upset, fearful parents. You need to insert harmony and peace at your home and you can't wait for other people's actions to make that happen. Be proactive.
One of the "best" schools in our city turned out to have had some of the worst problems imaginable by the time my kid had graduated from a not-quite-as-good school. For an example, read online at how many pricey "Ivy League" feeder schools have had scandals with pervy teachers and faked test scores to understand that doing the best for your children may not necessarily be staying in the school everyone fights to get in for admittance.
Preschoolers won't fail in life if they learn French at home instead of in first grade.
I am many many many years out (to the point where I "noted" it was dday antiversary several days after the actual day). In my case fOP was a close friend. Her children were close to my children. Over the course of the years (both immediately after and years along) our children have been at the same school, bday and holiday parties as well as on the same sports teams (where there is consistent contact sometimes several times per week). When it was new, and raw, I considered many times how to change it. Mostly, I considered pulling MY children out of the school/party/team as I held no ill will to her children that had no reason to be further hurt by the A. I put myself in the line of fire for the most part- being at school, dropping off and picking up at parties, going to games. For me it was less difficult than sending FWS and wondering what their contact might be.
Now, years later, its not even front of mind. She is a parent of children that my kids know. Nothing more or less. Sure that took time. But I sometimes think by toughing it out I created a natural coping mechanism. How much I love my kids, how much I cared for her kids was just bigger than a need to sooth my fear and pain. As it was, all of them suffered enough.
Again, this is MY situation. I just wanted to put out there that how you are both feeling now is not neccesarily how you will feel as time passes. But pulling your kids (or trying to out their kids) could have very long-lasting impacts for them. Ones they simply do not deserve.
Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.
Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.
You have no legal grounds to keep their kids out of that school, much less the moral high ground to think they should go and you should get to stay.
And why would you want to cause anxiety to a BS? If you are wanting to do this, then it just may be the other BS could get a restraining order on you for harassment and you just might have to end up taking your kids out of that school.
Neither my BS or the other BS did anything to deserve the pain me and the affair partner caused and neither of them should have to deal with more pain. Our kids and their kids should not be impacted as well.
NOW you are talking sensibly.
[This message edited by nofool4u at 4:33 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]
i don't want to pile on here. I "get" that you are trying to do everything you can to right your wrong and support your WS. I also "get" that she is sick of running into the other people. I would hate that.
So.. i'm not going to condemn you for bouncing some ideas off here. True to form, the good people of SI have pointed out that it would be an unfair thing to do.
I just wanted to point out how dangerous it could be if you ever start thinking that way again. I don't know what the other guy is like. Maybe you can intimidate him, dominate him. But maybe you don't know him as well as you think. For example, people think I'm really easy going, because basically i am. But my WW's AP left the state because he was afraid of me. he literally left the state.
How do you know the other guy wouldn't try to kill you? You fucked his wife. You wouldn't be the first one murdered because of that, particularly if you started swaggering around trying to be a dick? KWIM? Doesn't have to be a big swaggering Texan to take you out. It could be a little, wimpy, quiet guy that can't handle the humiliation and betrayal anymore, that feels you took everything he has away from him, his pride, his wife, his dignity,and is ready to crack.
You don't know what other people are capable of. at least that's my opinion.
anyway, i wish you both luck.
[This message edited by mike7 at 10:09 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]
We don't have the children in school dilemma. We have dealt with NC in a somewhat similar situation over the years. Like you, we did not expose or draw mutual friends and colleages into the affair details after D-Day. Because of that, it became clear that OW was going to let people believe her "trimmed down" version of what really happened. In other words, grossly minimizing the length of the A and denying the PA.
There are functions and events scheduled at WSO's place of business, WHERE the A began and progressed from EA to PA. Our R decision was if OW shows up, we are out of there. WSO runs these events with his employees. Some of the mutual people who thought they were in the know, didn't understand and questioned our decision. Why? Because they did not know the truth.
This whole thing turned around when several mutual friends(in different instances) asked WSO or said something to the effect that whatever went on wasn't any big deal, there wasn't any sex, etc. WSO stepped forward and admitted he had an affair with OW and it was also sexual. Initially I was upset that WSO had devulged information that we had agreed not to expose. Now I am very glad he did speak up.
This made a world of difference in our NC situation. OW lives out of town, has a home here, and when visiting always manages to return to WSO's place of business(and major location of the A) OW no longer shows up at the events or functions and if we hear or see that she is coming to his place of business, we arrange not to be there.
You could say we are doing everything we can to adhere to NC. I believe OW has backed off now that she knows WSO is prepared and willing to expose/admit the truth. People thought we were overacting until some of the truth was told by WSO.
You have your children to consider which must be an excruciating part of your NC and R. I truly believe that NC in our case was/is paramount. I feel very sorry for your BS in this situation. Her anxiety and pain are real. If you didn't have children/school, what would your course of action be regarding NC and what would you as a couple be willing to do as far as changing jobs, locations, etc.? Maybe that would be a good place to start and get some clarity as a united couple in R so that you can
do what is best for our family.
fWH had ONS with High School Principal he met on Ashley.com. 08/25/2009
It's the means to fix this mess the poor kiddos/family units that need some work. There's a workable solution? There has to be.