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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Getting BS out of our school. Warning to other BS'
sicktomy
♂ Member
Member # 36479
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to other any bs as I know this is controversial but we are trying to do what is best for our family.

My bs and I would like the other bs and his ws out of our school. They have 4 kids and we have 2 that will be in the same class/grade as there kids. It's a small French school that isn't decided by proximity to we've decided that we want our kids to stay in this school. Both the other parents are teachers at other schools so it would be more convinient if their kids went somewhere else anyway and from what we hear they don't speak French at home and the kids lauguage is lagging behind.

That being said my wife and I would like to get them out. The other BS does the drop off and pick ups in the morning. We have discussed making the affair public but I'm not sure whata that will do as we told one mutuial friend and they are still friends with both sides. Currently the only think I can think of doing is making the other BS unformfortable with seeing me. For the past year we have tried to avoid being at the school at the same time. Obviously it causes anxiety for my wife to see the other bs and possibly see the OW so we'll continue to avoid that.

What do you guys think about me purposely making myself more visible so other BS has anxiety? He's be the one to pull the kids out because he doesn't speak the language.

Any other legal things we can do to get them out?

I am sorry again to any BS that reads this and is offended by this topic.


Me (WH - 37)
Her (BS - 35)zayda1
Married 7 years, together for 9
2 children (5 years & 2 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12

Posts: 60 | Registered: Aug 2012
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really? You are asking if it's okay to harass the other BS to the point of driving him to remove his 4 kids from the school? I'm sorry, but a truly remorseful WS would never consider doing such a thing. Plus, you are trying to mess with somebody else's children. What right do you have to do that? If you don't want your kids going to the same school, then pull your kids. You only have 2. They have 4, so it would be much easier for you to do than them.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13647 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
metamorphisis
♀ Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not offended as a BS..just as a parent and human being. You don't get to decide where their kids go to school or effect their lives any further. I think the idea of making yourself more visible to purposely cause him more pain is loathsome IMO.
If you don't like it, move your kids. You don't get to determine what they speak at home or their right to be there. This is an unfortunate consequence to affairs but I don't think the honourable thing to do here is inflict more pain and upheaval to get what you want.
Just my opinion.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 43970 | Registered: Sep 2006
LovesLaboursLost
♀ Member
Member # 37272
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it's that important to you, maybe your bs and other BS should have that convo. Don't play BS (that one is bull shit btw) games to try to make them leave. You can't make anyone do anything, you can only control you.
Imagine your ow and her bh having this convo. How would your wife feel if ow tried to intimidate her like this?
Deal with this like an adult, or consider that your kids may have to change schools as a consequence of your affair. GL.


I'm a work in progress.

Posts: 77 | Registered: Oct 2012
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have discussed making the affair public but I'm not sure whata that will do as we told one mutuial friend and they are still friends with both sides.

If you want what is best for your children, do NOT make the A public and do not expect friends to take sides.

What do you guys think about me purposely making myself more visible so other BS has anxiety?

Your intention (that is key here) to make the other BS anxious given the already fragile state he must be in is just cruel IMO.

The kids will pay the price bc the "grown-ups" - who are still acting childish - fucked up.

LA

[This message edited by LA44 at 8:41 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2109 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well it's so nice that you have their life and best interest all figured out.

Both the other parents are teachers at other schools so it would be more convinient if their kids went somewhere else anyway and from what we hear they don't speak French at home and the kids lauguage is lagging behind.
Justification.

"What we hear". That's called a rumor. You can't take rumors as gospel. And would it matter? They choose to use that school. Just like you chose to have your A. Buckle up Buttercup and realize these are the consequences you will face.

What do you guys think about me purposely making myself more visible so other BS has anxiety?
You would seriously do that? Do you have a soul at all? I'm just wondering. Cause ya know how your actions have destroyed your BS, yeah well your AP's have done the same to her BS. And now you want to keep stabbing her BS with a knife?

Any other legal things we can do to get them out?
I sure hope not. And if you do find some evil way to kick them out of the school, I hope they fight it tooth and nail. They have every right to be there. Just as much as you.

Unbelievable. I cannot wrap my mind around the couples that come on here and want to bully, torture, or scare the other couples out of locations. Blows my mind. Why can't you be the "bigger person" and do what's right? Why the pissing contest?

SMH


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6052 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so glad Meta said it, because I wouldn't have been able to say it half as well.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6543 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you don't like it, move your kids.

The answer. This one is real simple.

take care...



Posts: 1415 | Registered: Jan 2012
KeepCalm_CarryOn
♀ Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't get shocked here very often anymore, but wow. Just wow. Much like Meta, I'm not offended as a BS, just as a human.

I think you really need to think of your motives behind this and what line of thinking makes it ok to harass a BS (which you created) and affect the lives of children who I think we can all agree are innocent. It seems a lot like wayward thinking- entitlement? Maybe something to explore in IC and/or MC. Haven't you made their lives uncomfortable enough? Why would you want to make the situation worse?

Honestly, let it go or pull your children.


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 1987 | Registered: Sep 2011
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a BS I am not offended by this topic. It has me a little worried for you though.
What do you guys think about me purposely making myself more visible so other BS has anxiety?
This is not logical or normal thinking and definitely not the thinking or what I would consider a remorseful WS. This has exploding in your families face and adding more pain to your BS and your children written all over it.

I think this likely won't go the way you think it will. I am not being flippant or pissy here at all when I say you have NO idea what kind of reaction to expect from the other BS. Hell BS's themselves often don't know what kind of reaction they will have when confronted by or confronting the OP. I don't care what your AP told you, what you have seen, or what you think you know. There is no way you can know what kind of response you will get from confronting the other BS.

There are consequences to your actions. So man up and accept yours. If you don't want to be around the other family then move your family to another school.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official in 7/2014

Posts: 1824 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
sicktomy
♂ Member
Member # 36479
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First off, it does look like I offended many or shocked them at least. I am sorry for that and I never said that we would do any of the things listed in my post. BS and I have been mindfull of not hurthing the other BS as much as possible by avoiding the same times. I have also heard many times "get her out of the school" so I asked the question on here looking answers. Had we thought it was a good idea we would of done it and not posted.
It seems clear that we have only 2 options as many people posted.
1. Deal with my affair and it's consequences like adults
2. Take our kids out of the school if we can't do #1.


Me (WH - 37)
Her (BS - 35)zayda1
Married 7 years, together for 9
2 children (5 years & 2 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12

Posts: 60 | Registered: Aug 2012
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do you guys think about me purposely making myself more visible so other BS has anxiety?

I never said that we would do any of the things listed in my post.

Then why did you ask us? I have no doubt you would do it had we all supported that idea.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13647 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
sicktomy
♂ Member
Member # 36479
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lieshurt - what I meant is that we posted here instead of acting. I knew full well that it was a touchy subject and unchecked" the WS only box because I understand that my affair created two etrayed spouses and I wanted an opinon from more than waywards.


Me (WH - 37)
Her (BS - 35)zayda1
Married 7 years, together for 9
2 children (5 years & 2 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12

Posts: 60 | Registered: Aug 2012
sicktomy
♂ Member
Member # 36479
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are in marriage councelling and I agree that it would be a good place to talk about this topic.


Me (WH - 37)
Her (BS - 35)zayda1
Married 7 years, together for 9
2 children (5 years & 2 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12

Posts: 60 | Registered: Aug 2012
KBeguile
♂ Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As someone who has exhibited this kind of behavior many times before, I think this was a call for "ego kibbles," as I heard Aubrie put it once.

sicktomy knew what needed to be done, but there was a vain hope that people would be supportive of an "option 3" that is EXTREMELY self-serving and hurtful. When that doesn't work, he immediately tries to earn brownie points on what's left by saying "Oh, hey, guys, I already thought of those answers. Aren't you so proud of me? I guess I'll go with one of them, since you guys all thought so."

The thinking on this has been all wrong from the get-go.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 754 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have also heard many times "get her out of the school"
you said both the other parents teach at other schools. So what is the quoted statement referring to? Is your BW upset that you see the AP when she drops her kids off or does she work at the school with you. I am guessing because your kids are in the same class your BW is upset that she will have to see your AP at some point during the year. So just to clarify your problem is your BW doesn't want to see AP at the school or be around her but she also doesn't want you around AP at the school. Is that correct?

Either way NC is key and since you can't control your AP's family the only thing you can control is your situation.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official in 7/2014

Posts: 1824 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
caspers1wish
♀ Member
Member # 28720
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the unfortunate thing is that you are the WS proposing this idea, so it comes off with a very bad taste in one's mouth. If this had been posted in general by a BS, the responses would be a bit different if not completely supportive, with a smattering of advice from the voices of reason, that you need to focus on your own family and not a worry about the other WS and BS.

So, take them out of the equation when moving on with your life. Live your lives for you and your family, not the other WS and BS. Causing intentional pain and discomfort to our fellow man isn't healthy for anyone.


Me - FWW (35)
Him - BH (34)
Kids - Ages 6, 8, 10
Married 13 years, together 18 years.
Last D-Day - November 2008

Posts: 726 | Registered: Jun 2010
sicktomy
♂ Member
Member # 36479
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted instead of my wife because I caused the issue and she's the one that is hurting because of what I did. Another reason it that I can post during the day while she cannot due to her work but yes this could of been posted by my betrayed spouse, although worded differently as she is much more elequent with her words.
I have since called BS at work to discuss this post and what was being said. We both knew that is was a potentially hurtful question but we chose to ask advice from people outside the situation. My wife dealing with the hurt and I want to help her. As I stated this WAS the only thing that came up to "get her out of the school". There are many more answers if the question was "make the situation better for me" I was not trying to earn brownie points, I wanted honest opinions from both the wandering and betrayed spouses because like it or not, I hurt more than my own family when I chose to have an affair. I wish there was a way to take the pain away from my wife and the other bs, while not hurting anyone else.
We discussed it and we will likely keep the status quo for now and see how things go. We cannot predict the future and how any action now will impact future events.

Thank you for all the responses, even if some were heated. We expected hostety from this board and I think that is what we received.

[This message edited by sicktomy at 10:15 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


Me (WH - 37)
Her (BS - 35)zayda1
Married 7 years, together for 9
2 children (5 years & 2 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12

Posts: 60 | Registered: Aug 2012
sicktomy
♂ Member
Member # 36479
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrsflushed - current contact is incidental. My wife has seen the other bs 6 times since d day. Once we were at a class function and they were there (very close to d day). Twice she saw him picking up his kids after school and once she was stopped at the light and he pulled up beside and once driving while dropping our kids off at a party. She has seen the FOW 3 times as well. Once at the school function, once picking up our kids and FOW stuck her tongue out at her when she drove past and once at a birthday party. I have seen the FOW twice and both times my wife was there and incidents are listed above (party and school function. I have seen the other BS once driving and 3 times dropping our kids off late due to appointments as we know their schedule and try to avoid common times.

[This message edited by sicktomy at 10:14 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


Me (WH - 37)
Her (BS - 35)zayda1
Married 7 years, together for 9
2 children (5 years & 2 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12

Posts: 60 | Registered: Aug 2012
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish there was a way to take the pain away from my wife and the other bs, while not hurting anyone else.

Yet your best proposed solution to this situation is essentially to bully he other BS with your presence? To deliberately set out to cause him anxiety?

I don't think this is a good topic for MC. I think it is a good topic for IC. This seems like a very immature response to the situation.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1725 | Registered: Nov 2010
Topic Posts: 54
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