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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 6 Year Update
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today marks 6 years since D-day.

Our marriage continues to thrive, and the affair has become nothing more than a painful chapter in an otherwise good marriage. NC has been maintained, we have addressed the pre-A marital issues, we have reconnected, and our goals for the future are aligned.

R taught me, not only a great deal about relationships and marriage, but a lot about myself as well. In that respect, the affair has not been all bad. I have learned to accept that nothing stays the same, and that bad things can happen that are out of my control.

I have also learned that my view of the world may not reflect reality. Just because I feel something is "right", does not mean it is right for everyone. Suffering is the price we pay for being right.

I now know that the secret of happiness is a calm mind. In other words, just being relaxed and enjoying what is around you at the moment; nothing more and nothing less. Learning to accept that the past is just memories, and the future has endless possibilities. To stop worrying about mistakes from the past and no longer dread a future that has not yet arrived.

Will my wife cheat again? I don't know, and I no longer care. If it happens, I will deal with it. For now, I'm confident in the wisdom I have gained as a result of R. I make sure my wife's emotional needs are met, and I know she feels comfortable discussing anything with me. Hopefully, there are no more secrets in our relationship. We now build on each other's strengths, and have learned to love (and support) the weaknesses.

Finally, I have learned that anger is poison to R. Holding onto anger only hurts yourself and those around you. Every minute spent in anger is another minute not noticing the beauty around you.

Sorry for the ramble.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 7:37 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5641 | Registered: Aug 2007
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I now know that the secret of happiness is a calm mind.

Truth. I have often said that happiness is a sham. I would just add to your statement by saying a calm mind can remove the need for the pursuit of happiness. It's the acceptance of what is not what should be. Either way, calm is good.

I am glad you are doing well.

take care...



Posts: 1427 | Registered: Jan 2012
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2560 | Registered: Aug 2012
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm very happy for you.

Thanks for sharing your update - I take encouragement from every positive story. Thanks also for sharing your thoughts during the time I've been here.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for sharing this HMH,

I get through each day in the hope that one day I will also feel the calm, appreciate the present, let the past stay in the past and continue to learn about the intricacies of relationships.

I have already discovered that my perception is not always right or true, but have also learned that this is OK.

There is a point I think at which we are able to more and more come out of ourselves and the pain that we are nursing, to see and feel the pain of those that have hurt us. At that point, I at least, have been able to rebuild the love and help the healing for both of us.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 754 | Registered: Feb 2012
LoveActually
♀ Member
Member # 31030
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Finally, I have learned that anger is poison to R. Holding onto anger only hurts yourself and those around you. Every minute spent in anger is another minute not noticing the beauty around you.

Agreed! 4+ years later and I am just now arriving in the not angry place--and really just about enjoying the moment because you truly never know when it will be your last moment.

Congrats on 6 years!


BS (Me)
WS (Him)
D-Day 5/29/09
Married 11 yrs, together 16 yrs

Posts: 768 | Registered: Jan 2011
mividaloca0505
♀ New Member
Member # 21893
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

congratulations on 6 years. i wish i could be where you are. i am 5 years out and I'm still angry.


BS (Me) 44
FWH 48
Married 22 years
4 Kids----22,18,17,12
DDay 09/11/08
Rest of story 01/18/09
6 month EA/PA

Posts: 6 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Illinois
canteat
♀ Member
Member # 39636
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't apologize for the "ramble!!" What you shared has given me HOPE! thankyou!


Me: BW 42
Him: WH 47
Married 9 years-together 18
Dday: 6/17/2013 EA/PA(EA 1yr/PA 6mos-OW out of state)
status: Starting R 7/22/13

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2013
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congrats on your progress and thank you for sharing!


FWW - 41
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5846 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
IGaveItMyAll
♂ Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks I needed that today.


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. This gives hope to my W and I. THANK YOU for coming back and posting something like this. Most leave and don't want to look back at this website ( I don't blame them) but to return and tell us a success story is to help others that are hurting are not as far along as you.

Thank you!


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Spectacular - thank you


Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1119 | Registered: Jul 2011
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Harden, that was an awesome post. At 4 months, stories like yours give me hope. I was curious about something you wrote, though:

Will my wife cheat again? I don't know, and I no longer care.

By that do you mean that you literally don't care if she has another affair, or just that you refuse to live your life in fear and constant worry that she might?


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
PMs with men only, please
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1360 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Content  Posted: 5:50 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you and God Bless.

Inspiring


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Apr 2013
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

do you mean that you literally don't care if she has another affair, or just that you refuse to live your life in fear and constant worry that she might?

The latter. Her affair no longer defines who I am or how I choose to live my life.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5641 | Registered: Aug 2007
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd love to be where you are at three years from now. Thanks for the update.

Posts: 6769 | Registered: Dec 2010
girlsbird
♀ Member
Member # 30877
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you.


D-Day 10/28/10..almost admission 7/10 Reconciled. I was the betrayed

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: arizona
sadallthetime
♀ Member
Member # 26845
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HMH - thank you so much for this post. I am almost 4 years out and feel that I am getting to be where you are now. The calm mind & not worrying are most important . It's a long and winding road for sure.


Me-BW 60 now, FWH 64 now, 2 adult kids
DD#1 7-21-09 11 yr. affair w OW 30 yrs. younger who is an "escort". DD#2 7-23-09 Long Term EA with mutual friend DD#3 10-3-09 1 1/2 yr PA with escort #2 DD#4 10 yr. EA w/old GF

Posts: 104 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Harden, I'm happy for you! You're where I hope to be at 6 years.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
PMs with men only, please
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1360 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
FeelingSoMuch
♂ Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for sharing, Harden. I'm at four months out from d-day and wondering if I'll ever feel good in our marriage again. Thoughts of D keep entering my head, but I would so much prefer to stay together.

Stories like yours give me hope and strength to keep trying in R.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 32
Pages: 1 · 2

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