Anyway, now that we are separated he is doing the same thing. He sees them maybe a couple of times a week for an hour or so (he stops by here, eats my food, uses the bathroom and watches t.v. - I guess that's visiting them?). He never calls them to say goodnight or just say hi. They haven't said anything about it (just the normal expressing that they wish we wouldn't divorce), but I was a child of divorce with an absent dad and I know it hurts. I also know it affects who you become as an adult. It enfuriates me that he can't just call. So do I say something or leave it? I have really embraced the whole letting go of worrying about him and his crappy decisions and it has been freeing! But in this one area I don't know if I should be advocating for my kids, or just let him continue to eff it all up and let the chips fall as they may.
Anyone else deal with a similar situation?
I think the best you can do is talk to your kids. Not telling them they have a lousy father, but just acknowledging their feelings and helping them advocate for themselves. If you can, have them in counseling or in a divorce care for kids.
I'm sorry your stbxh is such a douche. Your kids deserve better.
She never said anything to him. She said she finally realized that she couldn't force him to be a good father, no matter what she said. My father wasn't connected to us, and she couldn't make him be.
Personally, I think it was better that way. I learned exactly who he was, and was able to make my peace with it (with therapy).
Now, as an adult, the relationship I have with my father is one of MY choosing. I see/speak to him when I want to.
I think if he'd been forced to visit us/call us it would have been worse. We would have known that he really didn't want us around and that would have hurt more, I think.
Rejection sucks---but forcing someone to interact with you hurts, too.
Does that make sense??
Ainteasy, yea, that makes perfect sense and your point about the forced interaction is right on. He is very disinterested in them and I'm sure they pick up on it. They've made comments about how he would
ignore them when he lived here, so obviously they've felt it already. This is just another little area I need to let go. It's hard as a mom because I dont want to see my kids hurting - I hate that he'll probably never "get it."
D-Day, June 10, 2012