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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: A theory regarding our "perfect relationship"
SAR681
♀ Member
Member # 36285
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's an "a-ha" moment I had a little while ago that may help some others. I've read it on here some many times and felt it myself. I thought that FWH and I had such a perfect, special relationship. We've had more than one person comment that our relationship was one that they strive to find. FWH and I would look at the issues that people around us had - alcoholism, gambling addiction, abuse, or just generally miserable relationships - and we'd wonder if we were the only "normal" ones. Turns out we were so wrong.

Anyway, as I'm getting healthier through IC, I realize that we didn't have a perfect relationship at all. But, we were perfectly suited for each other. FWH was arrogant, used to being on a pedestal, and a bit of a bully and I was co-dependent, had no issue lifting him up at my own expense and let him walk all over me. I see that now. One of my stipulations for R is that we need to find an even (and healthy!) playing ground. It's definitely a work in progress, but it does help take the sting out of mourning our former relationship a bit.


BW – Me, 32 FWH - Him, 33
Married 9 years, together for 14
3 Kids: 5 yrs, 3 yrs, 18 months
MOW - my "friend"
DD#1 – July 2012, admitted to an EA
DD#2 – 1/14/13, finally admitted to PA

http://endureevolve.blogspot.com/


Posts: 122 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Somewhere in Middle America
cuppacoffee
♀ Member
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

reading your blog helped me out a little tonight. Thanks for writing your story.

I feel the same way looking back at our relationship. With 6 kids fairly close together people think that we are pretty darn happy. I guess we didn't get that memo.


I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 344 | Registered: May 2013
PrincessPeach06
♀ Member
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was the same way :(. I told him last night if I had known now want I did 5 years ago I would never have stayed. He never changed and I continued to live walking on eggshells around him trying to make him happy. Thankfully now he sees how he treated me like crap but I want to kick myself for letting him all these years.

He actually sat and told a friend of ours "once a cheater always a cheater" about her H right before the ONS and I sat there like a fool thinking what a great relationship we had.


Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 35
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-5
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".


Posts: 297 | Registered: Jun 2013
Lostinthismess
♀ Member
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same way looking back at our relationship. With 6 kids fairly close together people think that we are pretty darn happy. I guess we didn't get that memo.

Ugh, ditto except change it 5 kids. I thought we were amazing. I've since changed it to I'M amazing. I don't know what the hell his problem is


Dday- 4/4/13
fwh- harrypotter
'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 297 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Ca
DoneWithLove
♀ Member
Member # 39380
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nobodies perfect, perfect is boring. Our problems make us grow and become individuals. The WSs are good at pretending everything is ok, I think its a calling card for most cheaters. My H was still asking for sex and getting it, telling me he loved me and talking about future plans with me and he was going to work and "venting" to the OW about our problems simultaneously. The audacity it takes is mind boggling. Its what they do because they need their fantasy to continue even if it means hiding a mountain of bull shit. Its also a sign of being a narcissistic sociopath. Look it up youll be surprised how many things your WH down to a T.


BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
Together 11/12/06
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
Married 9/29/12
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
"R" 5/3/13

Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For various reasons the majority of our marriages fell short of what we thought them to be.

And it's ok. We all struggle with different issues in life, some deeper than others. It's when they are brought to light that it matters. What we do with the problems after dday that count.

and IMO...this


One of my stipulations for R is that we need to find an even (and healthy!) playing ground

Is a huge step in the right direction.

Stay focused on the forward movement and healing. That's what gets us through to a place where we know what we have is truth and the comfort we feel is real.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3209 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i fit right in here too....i too thought we had this great marriage. and it seemed like people envied us...you we were the couple always talking and laughing with each other...holding hands...all of that. i remember when i was pregnant...being at the table with his family...and talking about what a great husband he was being to me. little did i know that he was cheating on me the whole time i was pregnant with his yoga instructor and everyone at the table knew about it. looking back...i felt like a fool. so, now i see that people didnt really envy us...i think the people who knew the truth about my m felt sorry for me...us...and most likely told their spouses...or thought to themselves...."i am so glad we dont have THOSE problems."

after a good dose of ic....for over a year now, i see that we were far from perfect, and this is outside of his cheating. i was the co dependent...like some of you..walking on eggshells to make him happy...we both manipulated each other....because i didnt value myself...or understand my worth, i allowed him to treat me with disrespect...and enabled a lifestyle at my home that was completely unacceptable. i was the wife who turned the other cheek..."to keep him happy. the "cool" wife who let my husband have a "pass" to go out with his friends. i actually thought that the other wives were dumb for being so strict with their husbands about this or that. fact is...i was the fool...not them.

so, i agree....understanding that my m honestly was not healthy has taken the "sting" as well out of grieving the past m. i dont want to go back to that m...and i dont want to be that wife...or have that husband. no way.

i also clearly see now that there is no perfect relationship. life is not "like on tv" as my mom says. it is hard..and can be ugly. and bad things happen to good people all the time. i dont even envy other couples anymore...because you never know what is going on behind closed doors. one them is most likely or has been a cheater too.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 1 baby
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bitchboots

Posts: 907 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
Broken Wing
♀ New Member
Member # 31685
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ahh. So this is where I fit in. Makes a bucket of sense to me now. Unfortunately having been the 'perfect wife' for 30 years, I don't actually know how to be anything else. I'm still enabling. I guess I'm really praying he doesn't do this to me again. But then why wouldn't he?
I would still give him the world if he asked.


Me 52
H 54
D-Day - 22 Feb 2011
M - 34 years
2 grown children
3 grandchildren

Posts: 43 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Western Australia
SAR681
♀ Member
Member # 36285
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, cuppacoffee. I write for me. It's helpful to journal and I can definitely see my progress. But, I hoped that I would help others along the way. I do know that a handful of people happen upon it, I don't get a lot of feedback, so I do wonder how many people actually read it. :-)

DoneWithLove,I do think it's a bit of a stretch to call my FWH a narcissistic sociopath. He has FOO issues. Arrogant? Absolutely! A sociopath? I'm not so sure. His A definitely brought him down a notch and he's willing to work on his own stuff. But, only time will tell - we are definitely still in limbo.

KarmaHappens,thank you. I often find myself discouraged by the negativity and jaded responses. So, it's nice to hear something encouraging. :-)


BW – Me, 32 FWH - Him, 33
Married 9 years, together for 14
3 Kids: 5 yrs, 3 yrs, 18 months
MOW - my "friend"
DD#1 – July 2012, admitted to an EA
DD#2 – 1/14/13, finally admitted to PA

http://endureevolve.blogspot.com/


Posts: 122 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Somewhere in Middle America
Topic Posts: 9

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