In my experience the initial anger is based on hurt. Then it is based on their outrageous behaviour. Then you start really hurting/being angry for your kids, not so much yourself. I'm kind of stuck here.
He can't hurt me anymore - except through the girls. Its the last button he has to push.
You can't/won't stay angry forever. IMO you wouldn't feel detached if you were still as angry as a few weeks/months/years ago.
Unfortunately when we share kids with these lower muppets we cannot have true NC. The tiny bits of contact = new hurts = new anger.
I have found myself channeling my anger more. Before his very existence enraged me. Now most of his antics are mildly amusing and irritating. I don't really get angry anymore, I do get sad. Some of his antics are just so.... unnecessary. I'm sad that he will use the girls to try to bait me.
He goes quiet for a while and it is bliss. I can pretty much forget he ever existed. But then he gets hungry for the ego kibbles and does something weird to try to get my attention.
Many times I feel like saying "move on with your life FFS - at least pretend you're happy with your choices. Leave me the fuck alone".
I'm hoping crickets sends him that message loud and clear.
This detaching caper is not for the feint hearted. I suspect the anger is a way for our brains to gather strength/resolve to detach not only from the WS but also to accept that this has all actually happened.