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User Topic: I can't get over it.
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't get over my H's PA's and LTA. I WISH he were at least in love with another person, but he's not. At least then, he'd be another human being with a half a heart. Said he didn't love any of them. To me, he was a sexual predator that wanted to drink and found available young, niave women to lie to. None of them knew he was married, his age, he had kids, etc.

But, 8 WOMEN in 3 YEARS and a GIRLFRIEND???? I'm afraid I cannot get over this. I keep trying and trying. We're in IC/MC. I'm trying to heal myself and forgive him. But, I can't. All I think about are the years of my life that he robbed. The years he was fucking college girls while I provided for our family and he pimped me out to do it. He blew our money. I'm still devestated. Less shock, more acceptance. I need acceptance so bad.

I have a feeling, once I'm emotionally healthy, I'm not going to want him after all. He's fighting tooth and nail, is remorseful, attentive, etc. But, it's not enough.

What do you all think??

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 2:29 PM, June 24th (Monday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Markone
♂ Member
Member # 30291
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've seen it written here so many times - sometimes, infidelity is a deal breaker. Only advice I'd give is to listen to your inner voice - I think you know the answer. In fact, given what you've written about above, it's screaming so loud even I can hear it.

But ONLY you can decide.


DD 11/28/10
Me (BH)
Her (WS)
Separated and filed (7/13)

Posts: 413 | Registered: Dec 2010
whatdoto
♀ Member
Member # 28555
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((libertyrocks))

Honey, I'm 3 years out. My WH had a 2-1/2 yr A with a co-worker. Also has a short A with his brothers wife before we met.

I truly thought I could forgive and give him another chance. But, I'm so unhappy, so unfulfilled, so detached. I found a wonderful IC and have done some fine tuning on myself and discovered I have been in the fog this whole time. See, the A was a dealbreaker and I didn't want to own that knowledge.

I've been with him for 18 years. Yes, I feel, too, that he has robbed me of some of my best years.

I am emotionally healthy now, I know what I want, what I do not want and what I deserve, so therefore, I am divorcing him. I think part of my decision was not only him having the A, but the length of time he stayed in the A and never once tried to get out of the A. That's what hurts...he stayed in it.

That was the biggest F***you to me and it screams at me every day. Not to mention, WH is the biggest trigger. Just seeing him.

Sounds like the A's are a dealbreaker, and that's OK.

I hope you are in IC. Without it, I would still be wallowing in the muck.

Peace


"If your ideal image of yourself is in the future, it's going to stay there".

Posts: 1187 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Texas
canteat
♀ Member
Member # 39636
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry for what you are going through. It's hard for me to wrap my head around one OW, let alone multiples. It is totally normal that you are having a hard time with this.

You brought up a bunch of different issues in your post so maybe you need to figure out exactly which part is causing you pain right now. It sounds like your H is trying but maybe he doesn't understand all of the ways that you are hurting. Maybe that's why you don't feel like it's enough?
is it the amount of OW, the fact that he lived a double life, lied to the OW and seems to have no respect for women in general? Is it the LTA? The fact that he doesn't appreciate what you sacrificed and did to provide for the family?

It is a lot to deal with and you can't possibly accept it all at one time. It sounds like you have made progress in accepting some of those things. And thats a good thing. Just take it slow and on your terms. You need to do it for you first-so you can move on it which ever direction you need to go.

Less shock, more acceptance. I need acceptance so bad

examine exactly what you mean-what have you accepted (or have you just gotten "used" to it so it's not quite so shocking anymore?)
Go through the issues, write them down if you have to. Maybe that will help you get some clarity on what you need for yourself and from him.
I think it is too early to determine what you will want when you are healed from this. You will make the right decision for you when the time comes. Until then just know that all this work is to your benefit-whether or not you end up staying in the M.


Me: BW 42
Him: WH 47
Married 9 years-together 18
Dday: 6/17/2013 EA/PA(EA 1yr/PA 6mos-OW out of state)
status: Starting R 7/22/13

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2013
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((libertyrocks))) I'm right there with you.

I have come to accept that my WH had an A and possible multiple A's (previous years). The part I cannot get past was the continued deception, continued broken NC, and having to find out about the A and everything about it on my own.

I know that it will take a miracle to get over it at this rate.

Sorry you are hurting too


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YES, YES< crazy. I had to bust mine. Otherwise, I would have never known and he would have continued...It was such a long time. I can't get over that he never felt bad enough to say, "Hon, I'm sorry, I did a bad thing." Nope, that NEVER crossed his mind. I could even take a ONS or a LTA that he loved. But, no, I got a combo package deal instead...I totally feel you!


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

is it the amount of OW, the fact that he lived a double life, lied to the OW and seems to have no respect for women in general?

For me it was all of the above....

Trying to decide whether or not to disconnect from a wayward who appears to be remorseful is the biggest mindfuck of them all IMO.

Sorry liberty, I know exactly what you're going through and it sounds like you are getting to what I call the WTF????!!!! Stage.

Yep, that really happened and yep, he really did do all that and what a fool he took me for.....

Big hugs. You will figure it out eventually, when you're ready.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17390 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 7

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