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User Topic: introspection
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:59 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let's see if I can get this out without being too confusing.

Some background---My MIL's friend "S" fb friend requested me about two weeks ago. MIL died in 2004 and this woman was a very close family friend. H has been going back to where MIL and this friend lives because of my FIL's (H's stepfather) health, and just last week he was there because FIL died and H had to tend to the funeral and the business that goes along with all of it.

Friday I get a friend request from a name I don't know, but MIL's friend "S" is a mutual friend. I ask H if he knows the name and he says no. So that night I message the guy and ask him how he knows me and he writes back ??? I say "S" is a mutual FB friend and he says that he is S's brother's best friend. He said he must have friend requested me by mistake.

We go on to have a conversation about S and her H, the mutual connection and how we know them, where this guy lives now (a spot that H loves and wants to retire to), how his moving there was great but it was hard to leave the kids, etc.

I told H about it saying things like 'isn't that funny? He is S's brother best friend, he wants to retire to _____', etc.

He says, "Why would you even have that conversation with him? If you didn't know him why wouldn't you just not accept his request?"

Hmmmm....I didn't even think of that. It seemed perfectly harmless, he was S's mutual friend, he's probably in his 70s (not that it matters, but about 30 years older than I am), and....well, I don't know.

I thought about it for a minute and told H that he is 100% right, I didn't even think anything of it and I am sorry.

This conversation with H was by phone so after we hung up I got to thinking. Wow, how easily I fell back into that old pattern. Or, was it an old pattern? I had my boundaries, there was nothing inappropriate in the messaging with this guy, but why did I even engage? I guess it as curiosity, and it is my personality to want to get to know people, and in general I enjoy conversation and shooting the breeze.

This served as a lesson to me---even after almost 6 years of R I still need to remember firm boundaries. I need to realize that anything I do can potentially hurt my H, and that there is always a door that must never be opened, as harmless as it may seem.

It threw me for a loop because when I started engaging in this conversation, I didn't think anything of it.

I guess it was my reminder to always stay vigilant.

If you've read this far, thanks for listening.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37287 | Registered: Sep 2007
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((AN)))))

I think it's great how you and your H talked it through...good for you both


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197290 | Registered: May 2002
Lucky2HaveMe
♀ Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This served as a lesson to me---even after almost 6 years of R I still need to remember firm boundaries. I need to realize that anything I do can potentially hurt my H, and that there is always a door that must never be opened, as harmless as it may seem.

H & I had a similar conversation a few months back. He, too, had a revelation about boundaries and how they can so easily be relaxed unintentionally - and that really scared him a bit as to how easy it was to slip back into that old mindset.

We never stop learning about ourselves. {{{AN}}}


Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 6253 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AN,
We all know that you have done and continue to do the work you need to be healthy. I am certain LD feels it too. He will always be hyper vigilant of your actions. And although he may be able to give you the benefit of the doubt (as you have earned) we both know that there will always be that nagging voice in the back of his head when we get too relaxed.

I have really strong feelings when it comes to FB. I know my POV isn't for everyone. I feel that social media in general is a breeding ground for bad behavior. I've always been a social person. I easily engage in idle chit chat and I feel it would be too easy to become 'curious'. So to avoid all impressions of impropriety I stay clear of social media. Again, I realize my choice and not for everyone.

I think the fact that you talked it through with LD is great. I think it's natural for even the healthiest of people to fall off course once in awhile. I think the key is whether or not you reflect and learn from those behaviors or actions. Whether you question yourself or just defend and move on. The person that questions their actions and motives demonstrates the signs of healthy behavior.

So although you didn't think anything of it at the time, the fact that you spoke to LD about it and are questioning it speaks volumes.



Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 648 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
CrappyLife
♂ Member
Member # 37630
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So that night I message the guy and ask him how he knows me and he writes back

Just reading the above line, my eyes were rolling and I was like "Why did AN even need to respond to him?"

I was eager to read on and thought that you might have realised it yourself and hence the thread name 'introspection'.

Anyway, I liked the fact that you shared this with LD and he told you what he felt. It shows that he is comfortable telling you what he feels. A lot of times before D-Day, I felt that if I said something like this to WW, I would come across as being 'not cool'. Even better is the fact that you did not get defensive and realised your mistake.

If I may, a couple of questions though - As you said, even after working on yourself for so long and having boundaries in place, you had a conversation which LD found a little inappropriate and your need to stay vigilant. Do you think you would have realised it without LD pointing it out to you? Dosen't being vigilant all the while get tiring for both of you? Was it triggery for either of you?

[This message edited by CrappyLife at 10:19 AM, June 24th (Monday)]


BBF-turned-BH: 28 (Me)
WGF-turned-WW: 28 (EmotionalFool)
POS1: a 'friend'? WW believed it was my 'best friend'!
POS2: her senior at work!
Together - 6 years
Married - 1.5 years
D-Day- 15/10/12

Don't know where we are headed..


Posts: 276 | Registered: Nov 2012
CrappyLife
♂ Member
Member # 37630
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to put the reason why I was asking the above questions so that it did not sound odd/rude coming from a BS. Could not articulate it well enough, so left it out in the earlier post.

We all know that you have done and continue to do the work you need to be healthy. I am certain LD feels it too. He will always be hyper vigilant of your actions. And although he may be able to give you the benefit of the doubt (as you have earned) we both know that there will always be that nagging voice in the back of his head when we get too relaxed.

WOES posted the above at the same time as my post. Exactly my reason for asking the questions that I did. Sorry if I am asking too much.

[This message edited by CrappyLife at 9:06 AM, June 24th (Monday)]


BBF-turned-BH: 28 (Me)
WGF-turned-WW: 28 (EmotionalFool)
POS1: a 'friend'? WW believed it was my 'best friend'!
POS2: her senior at work!
Together - 6 years
Married - 1.5 years
D-Day- 15/10/12

Don't know where we are headed..


Posts: 276 | Registered: Nov 2012
unfound
♀ Member
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

as usual, so proud of the two of you for talking through something like this, and your ability to empathize with LD .

that there is always a door that must never be opened, as harmless as it may seem.


to me, "seem" is the imperative word there. it was an innocent exchange, you know this, and LD probably knows too (not meaning to put words/thoughts in his mouth/head). but the personal exchange, even trivial things, can fall into the wide lined boundaries that are the aftermath of an A. a lot of things that "seem" innocent (and may be) can still fall within the bounds of making a bs who may be a long way out from dday and in a solid R uncomfortable.

what's great though is that even if a seemingly innocent exchange bothered LD, you immediately recognized it, didn't question his feelings, and are making the effort to make immediate,appropriate and healthy reactions to it,as well as reminding yourself that being vigilant with your boundaries will be an ongoing thing.

even at 7 1/2 years out, there are things that happen that might make me uncomfortable, not because mr unfound does them on purpose, or because his boundaries are slipping...they just ... happen.. kwim? and believe me, it makes me stop and think, questioning my own level of healing, and how hard it must be for him. but we talk about it, and in doing that, I feel better about it, about my own place in the journey and his willingness to accept that this is where I am, and more importantly, where I might be forever.

you both rock

[This message edited by unfound at 9:37 AM, June 24th (Monday)]


ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14835 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for all the feedback.

I'll try to respond to everything .

I told LD about it just as an 'isn't this funny' kind of story and when he questioned it, it finally dawned on me that it was a boundary breach. It was an 'oh shit' moment. And he was away and already dealing with emotional family stuff so that made me feel even worse about it.

I hear you about the social media. We are not close geographically to any family and it brings them closer. LD and I have talked about this. I don't use the chat feature. Nothing gets erased from my messages. Like with everything else, I am an open book with FB. On the other hand, if he asked me to get rid of it I would in a second. He is okay with it and other than what I posted about today, it has not been an issue. And I wouldn't even call it an issue, it was a conversation, a re-check, an opportunity for growth and better understanding.

Do you think you would have realised it without LD pointing it out to you? Dosen't being vigilant all the while get tiring for both of you? Was it triggery for either of you?
I don't know if I would have realized it because I looked at it as a connection to my MIL (who I miss terribly) and her friend. Also, the guy is my parents' age. The fact that I responded at all is where I need to check myself. To me it was such a non issue, and that's where I had my
moment, after LD's response to it.

Vigilance has such a heavy, negative connotation. I think of it as mindfulness. And no, it doesn't feel tiring. It feels like being enlightened, aware, and open to growth. If I do something a certain way and it's not conducive to R or healthy behavior I know I have to work on it. We are all works in progress. IMO, we should all be like this whether we have experienced infidelity or not. If I lived vigilantly before I cheated I could have saved us a lot of pain. Same for LD. There has been lots of work for both of us on this journey.

Triggery? Not sure. Not for me. I didn't ask LD that specific question. Like I said, he had SO much going on and the conversation was quick and matter of fact and then he moved on. He hasn't mentioned it since. I did apologize again the next day and reassured him that the message exchange is on there and he could take a look. He said he doesn't need to do that.

Unfound, I just love you and have learned so much from you through the years. Thanks for sticking your head in to support us


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37287 | Registered: Sep 2007
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((AN & LD)))

Sometimes, like in cases like this, I think that sometimes there's a fine line between normal human behavior and boundary breaches. This isn't meant to be an excuse but more of an explanation. Post-A our walls are supposed to be extra reinforced, but I think that you'd have to be absolutely perfect not to over socialize accidentally.

Crazz trips all over this... and most of the time the conclusion is that he needs to work harder at maintaining his boundaries. SOME of the time, however, I feel like I need to concede that having a 60 second conversation about his weekend with a female who is also standing at the coffee machine is more natural than running screaming if she asks how it's going.

To me it would have been a bit much to strike up a conversation with a stranger on FB, but the end result is that you and LD have a solid system in place that takes care of things like this. He felt that it was a boundary breach, and it sounds like you can both agree that it was accidental. You're remorseful and he's working with you to fix and heal from it. Considering the inherent fallibility of the human condition, I'd say the very best outcome has been reached here and you should both be proud of how you handled this minor bump.

To top it off, events like these are sure to make you stronger on the other side. You vigilance has been upped in regards to a new scenario, and your walls are more secure today after what you have learned about yourself and the pitfalls of social media.

Thanks for sharing the story, AN. I think we can all take something away from this.


If you can't learn to enjoy your life when you have problems, you may never enjoy it because we'll always have problems. - Joyce Meyer

Posts: 17035 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crazz trips all over this... and most of the time the conclusion is that he needs to work harder at maintaining his boundaries. SOME of the time, however, I feel like I need to concede that having a 60 second conversation about his weekend with a female who is also standing at the coffee machine is more natural than running screaming if she asks how it's going.
Interesting, and perfectly put. That's the fine line and where the trust comes in, which is so hard for a BS, understandably so.

Thanks for the insight, Razzy.


To top it off, events like these are sure to make you stronger on the other side. You vigilance has been upped in regards to a new scenario, and your walls are more secure today after what you have learned about yourself and the pitfalls of social media.
Yes they are.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37287 | Registered: Sep 2007
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


If you can't learn to enjoy your life when you have problems, you may never enjoy it because we'll always have problems. - Joyce Meyer

Posts: 17035 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it was a boundary breach

This reminds me of the conversation on another post about rules and boundaries.

Boundaries, to me, give an internal ping. A tsunami buoy that detect the slightest swell of ocean waaaaayyyyy before the beach.

I don't have Facebook but I did get a txt from a number I didn't recognize last week. Just said "hey". I ignored because I know all my friends numbers. Got another from same number over the weekend "are you there?". Still ignored. Finally "ok, I'm worried". I txted back "think you have wrong number". That was it. No follow up. Also no curiosity.

I do know Facebook requests may be different but just wonder about the curiosity if you don't know them...even if they know someone you did know.

It's great you guys were able to work through this and it's very obvious from your posts that you've done the work and are healthy and much further in the healing process than I am.

Do you think maybe the curiosity is a gauge that can be adjusted? Just tweaked a bit to be triggered when you know more about someone than right out of the gate?

Just thoughts as I read.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you think maybe the curiosity is a gauge that can be adjusted? Just tweaked a bit to be triggered when you know more about someone than right out of the gate?
Yep. And that's exactly what I am taking from this experience.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37287 | Registered: Sep 2007
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love reading these posts, thanks AN.

It's interesting to me because I'm coming from the other side. Walled off. Just as dicey but in such a different way. Navigating the new ground is been uncomfortable, to say the least.

When Circe posted about new reward system I thought about that too. Hers felt good. Mine has not at all. I've even had dreams where I'm out in public and naked. That's how I feel even with my SO who's as safe as houses for me.

My default is slam down like the end of the old Get Smart episodes.

Wow...that "burp" just popped out of nowhere.

Thanks again for posting this.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This has definitely been an interesting thread. Thanks for posting your story AN.

Had me thinking about my newer boundaries on FB. I say newer as in post dday boundaries. Like how I did a major cleanse of male friends and got rid of anyone who truly didn't belong on my friends list. Not APs but it horrifies me to even write this but old flings, exes.. Or old guy friends who could easily be deemed as not friends of the marriage because my BH doesn't know them and I haven't talked to in a few years. I remember doing this un-friending rampage and being mad at myself for not doing it sooner and for the fact I had already been married for more than 2 years and now I finally do it. I felt stupid, immature and that I had betrayed my marriage long before I ever cheated. So to say your post made me think about it all again is almost an understatement. I did talk to MC and BH about my unfriending stint and all my BH said "good it's about time you did that". His tone was strange and like he thought it was just one more thing that I had been up to.

Now with you AN starting a convo with male who happened to be a mutual friend that you didn't know is definitely a learning situation. It was like curiosity killed the cat. In future, if another older male with a mutual friend adds you, what would you do differently? ignore? send a message again but keep the correspondence shorter? For me I ignore and then delete the request. I guess that is passive aggressive in a way but I don't want to confront male friend requests. I figure if they ever asked me, I could say I don't accept guy friend requests, sorry! I've considered changing my security to No friend requests but I like to have new female friends feel welcome to add me. Too bad you can't change security to allow girls but not guys?

Sorry if this is a little bit of a T/J. This just had me thinking about all the social media boundaries


WW 33 BH 34
Met 9 yrs ago, together for 7, married for 4
Dday Aug 10, 2012
1 yr old DD

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 806 | Registered: Jul 2012
CrappyLife
♂ Member
Member # 37630
Default  Posted: 2:49 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks AN for sharing the story and answering my questions.

I have been in a horrible mood since the past few days. I would have triggered like crazy if something like this happened right now. Reading on here gives me hope that things do get better with time.

[This message edited by CrappyLife at 2:50 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


BBF-turned-BH: 28 (Me)
WGF-turned-WW: 28 (EmotionalFool)
POS1: a 'friend'? WW believed it was my 'best friend'!
POS2: her senior at work!
Together - 6 years
Married - 1.5 years
D-Day- 15/10/12

Don't know where we are headed..


Posts: 276 | Registered: Nov 2012
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:02 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UO,
As you know, this is a process that takes time. I hope you get to a place where you feel safe soon.

MUC,
I didn't do the male FB friend purge, but I did get rid of anybody who was toxic and/or not FOTM. I've ignored friend requests from guys from the past, and also women who weren't healthy for me IRL. I do have some male FB friends but I am choosy.

If someone I don't know requests me now I will ignore. I don't think that's passive aggressive, we aren't obligated to respond to a request. I didn't start engaging with that guy out of obligation, I did it because of my own curiosity. That's what I have to be more mindful of moving forward.

CL, Anytime . I hope today is a better day for you.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:03 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37287 | Registered: Sep 2007
Topic Posts: 17

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