To top it off. He saw the affair person the other day at a colleagues funeral. She and another person were there to rep head office. They had to fly in to attend this. He was not expecting to see her. The usher led him to the first row for colleagues and lo and behold, there she was with the colleague. The other colleague separated them. There were no hellos exchanged or nods. He said there was no eye contact whatsoever. As soon as the funeral ended, he left.
What I have noticed tho is that he seems more tormented with guilt now. I guess bc she does not live around us, he has not had to run into her. The guilt he feels is what he did to me. He said he has these images that make him sick/feels so guilty. He also says that he does not even want to tell me that bc he does not want to make this about him. That my pain is nothing compared to his guilt. Okay. But. I do want him to open up about his feelings.
I guess this is a good sign. But I don't want him to SIT in guilt. That could lead to shame and shame is not productive.
Did anyone notice this as the months went on? Waywards, did you feel more and more guilt as time went on? How did you cope? How did you handle it as the BS?
He is hesitant for us to go on a wonderful company conference in the fall. Anxiety over, "what if you get more hurt?" "what if we get seated with her?" "what if she gets pulled into a convo. with us?" I believe I am going to be okay.
I just don't want him/us avoiding these fun situations and yet if we do go, it could result in more guilt.
Guess he needs to talk about this in IC.
What I have done is to learn how to listen. This helps build emotional intimacy in the relationship; so my wife feels comfortable discussing things with me. Hopefully, she now feels safe to talk about anything without getting judged. I also do not throw the affair in her face.
As a BS, I learned that once you replace your anger with compassion, R progresses much smoother and faster.
I also feel like my WHs guilt is getting to be greater and greater - we are only 6 weeks post Dday. I take it as a good sign.
DD 6/26/10 (he broke down & confessed)
DD#2 3/14/11 H in OW's car
TT 7/1/11 (NC broken, through emails)
brkn_hearted - good message. Thanks!
It is not a bad thing, but he realizes he almost lost everything and he lets me know daily he is glad he didn't. He doesn't wallow in it, I don't hold it over his head. However, it stays in his memory as it does in mine. I honestly feel less fear because of it.