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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Nothing helps but time...i get it now...
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i struggle with my husband cheating on me with the yoga teacher, the false r...and then the discovery of another ow...15 years older than us...who was a therapist...yes a therapist...not his....but a child therapist. you know, i actually shed a tear about this every day. it is the first thing i think about when i get up...and the last thing i think about when i go to sleep. i am haunted by the reality...my new world. i believe my husband and i are attempting a real r...it has been 7 months of him "doing all he can." you know the deal.

but, what i have realized is that no matter what he does...and i mean no matter what....i still hurt everyday. when he does something to show me he is remorseful....i am happy for a little while, but sooner or later on during the day, i will think about all he did. something will pop in my mind like...the dirty text i read between them....or how he gaslighted me for so long...or how put the blame on me when the whole time he was still cheating.

and it doesnt go away. i am in ic....i do the breathing exercises....we are in mc...i come to si for support....i try to stay busy...all of it...but nothing helps really...not for long.

what i have come to accept...and it came to me earlier this week....is that it will take time.....a long time. and that is the only thing that will ease the ache. and it is true. i am not on the floor crying all the time, unable to get out of bed...and all of that....i am past that....so i know i am healing....slowly.

there simply is no quick fix, no matter how much i wish there were. i am going through the process...and it is and will continue to be a long and painful one. i dont know anyone...and i mean anyone...who "got over this quick" and moved on to be happy. the "happy" ones have the scars from doing the real, painful work over a long period of time as they attempted to r. and they have all told me "no shortcuts." r sucks.

the only thing that keeps me on this path of healing is by my husband not fucking up again, and doing what he needs to do...and we all know what that means...and so does he.

for so long, i have been in shock, and fighting the fact that this has actually happend to me...this is my life. omg. but, now i am starting to really see, that it is what it is....and there is nothing i can do about it.

so, after dday1, a false r for 9 months, the discovery of ow2, a separation...and now perhaps an attempt at real r for the last 7 months...."i get it."

i hope i am a lot further along a year from now.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bi

Posts: 934 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
marion
♀ Member
Member # 33625
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((sri624)))
I read a lot....on SI -thank you everyone for sharing your stories- , books, articles..etc. No way around it but through it....I wanted to believe for a very long time that I could change the past ...well, not really, but you know what I mean...that I could make sense of it or somehow clean it then I could accept what happened. But time....three years this summer....has brought some measure of awareness that I just can't change it....it will never leave us..wherever we go from here, this is a part of us and somehow accepting that....has made it possible to begin to let go of the incredible debilitating pain that crippled me for much of the past few years. It is what it is...it saddens me...it often pains me...but he has shown such remorse...I have to wonder now why I am holding on to it...I believe that it is safety...that kind of pain is incomprehensible unless you have lived it...and I never want to experience it again ...but holding back from acceptance is like living in a holding pattern...waiting for it to happen again and then being "right" . Not a good way to live...and for my own sake..I want to move forward ...to a place where I can be well and truly happy....
sri624....the daily hurt gets better....time definitely helps...so does IC and MC...it is not fun to be forced to look your fears in the eye and know the only way to get rid of them is to face them.....but you seem to have realized that wishing for a better past is not going to happen...so while I know you are in pain..and I am so sorry that you have to experience this...you should be proud of yourself...acceptance is the key to moving forward for your own growth...hope this helps in some small way...peace to you....Marion

Posts: 106 | Registered: Oct 2011
looking forward
♀ Member
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It takes as long as it takes!


Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2839 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, time. And more time when they re-set the clock back past zero. You get to the point where you don't think about it for a day, for a couple of days. And when you do, the edges are blunted a bit. And you start to look forward. And then, back in the negative numbers. And more time.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4711 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

like at this very moment....i feel that sharp pain...after an image of him having sex with another woman enters my head...or the on-line dating. see, he has been great all day...he put me on his phone account...i had access to all passwords, but he wanted me to be able to call and discuss the bill whenever i wanted. he did this with his personal checking account as well. he does things like this a lot to establish trust...but it is still there. i act very appreciative...but i am in no way "healed."

you simply cannot rush this....he needs to keep doing this for a long time.....

i remember when i lost my first baby....i had a miscarriage at 12 weeks. omg...i was devastated.....it was the worst...went in for a check up and the ultrasound showed that the baby was dying....i didnt get out of bed for a week....and when i did, i was filled with so much grief...i honestly didnt think i would ever get over it....never. i had never cried so much in my life...and this was after a long period of infertility. but then as time went by...it got better...and i healed. what helped me was that i got pregnant a few months later with a healthy baby....and even just trying again to conceive helped me...it gave me some new hope.

with this...it is so much worse...sometimes i wish i could just "try again", you know...with a new husband...like we did for the new baby. that pain is long gone from that miscarriage as i now have a baby.

i am realizing that with time....hopefully this too shall pass...i dont know.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bi

Posts: 934 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
UKlady
♀ Member
Member # 39058
Default  Posted: 5:06 AM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((sri624))) ahh I hear you!

You are speaking so much truth and I feel your pain.

I'm not so far from D-Day myself (it was 3rd January this year) and my WH is doing oh so much to recover. We've recently started back up with MC and IC for him and it feels, even after only 2 sessions of each, that progress - though painful - is being made.

But, like you, I'm so painfully aware that it really will take that time. I have likened the pain to when my dad died of cancer when he was only 58. Trying to deal with that was horrendous and took such a long, long time to not feel that sharp intensity of pain every day. I have told my WH though that what he has done to us was worse than that and I do mean it.

I am so sorry for you that you lost your baby, I cannot imagine the pain. My WH have been trying for over 3 years to conceive and still nothing and in this respect time is not on our side (due to my age). I am also happy for you that you worked through that pain and have a wonderful new little person to give your love to.

I hate that we have to all go through this pain but feel blessed to have people here who 'know' it, who 'get it' and who 'hear it'.


Me: BW 45
Him: WH 48
Married: 6 years, together 9 years
D-day: 3 January 2013 - he confessed.
A: June-Dec 2012
No children.

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sometimes i wish i could just "try again", you know...with a new husband

Hopefully you are. Hopefully all of this has changed him...for the better. That's the way I have tried to look at it. Its a new game with new rules, with new players, with new understanding, hopefully headed in a new direction.

(((Sri624)))


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2560 | Registered: Aug 2012
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((sri624)))

I am there too. In pain and cry everyday and I'm in IC and meds and it is still soooo hard. I don't even recognize myself. What this betrayal has done to me.

I get what you are saying about the pain dulling, but you could still feel it sometimes. Now I feel as if I am in mourning. My IC said I am still bouncing through all of the stages of grief and just to give it 'time'

Hope you have some peaceful days ahead


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Topic Posts: 8

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