I took it to mean that they were saying I was worth more than that. I took it as a compliment.
Are these people being kept updated on your R and repeatedly telling you he will cheat again? Or are you just telling them he had an A and their snap response is that?
[This message edited by DoneWithLove at 11:03 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]
First, unfortunately we cannot control how others react to the news that our spouses had an affair....period.
The loved ones hurt for us and want us to be ok, so feelings can run hot.
I would take them aside and explain you want to R but you need their support and hope they can give it.
Second...you are on a site which allows people to attempt to heal after an affair, it's hard shit...it's something many of us have spent YEARS doing. Working on ourselves, our issues and our spouses working on theirs (we hope)
When you put something out there you will get a wide scope of opinions. Some people will be touchy or hurting and it can sway how they write...we all communicate from our own personal experiences.
Nobody here is upset because your husband gets it sooner than theirs....trust me.What they are seeing is a young woman hoping to R and jumping all in before it's been earned.
How does everyone know this? Because many of us have made the same mistake, and it's ok. Many of us come here thinking our situation is different, our spouses are not like the rest.....then we settle in and find that many of our stories sound alike....
What you are seeing is people who have been there and done that. You will see, in time, that the folks here are pretty smart and insightful. I bet on most days they can take a situation and pull it apart pretty darn close to the truth.
Nobody wants to hurt you. They want to spare you....because we have walked these halls that you are just starting to travel down.
It sucks, and we have all been there.
I think (if I remember correctly) you are about 3 months out. I guarantee you at 3 months your husband hasn't healed. He hasn't dug deep enough to know his whys and certainly not been able to fix his shit....it doesn't happen that fast.
He may know he is sorry and he might be saying the right things right now....but he needs time to regain trust and you need time to heal, really heal.
Take it slow, R will happen when the heavy lifting is done.
These are important conversations that might need to take place especially considering you are bemoaning their lack of support. Sometimes we have to ask for the type of support we need and not assume people will automatically know how to support us. Stop wishing it would happen. Support systems are built.
None of us on our own have all the answers. It's important to find support and insight from other people, especially IRL. Other's opinions are nice but experience is invaluable. If I were you I'd see what your mother and sister really have to say about your situation. They have a unique outside perspective right now. My mother judged me for giving my fWH a second chance until I asked for unconditional love and support from her. I trust myself and she trusts that now.
We are in R.
about the site....where you are in your attempt at r has pretty much been experienced by most people here....maybe at different times....but we have all been there. i remember thinking too at 2 months post dday that my husband was different...that he was REALLY trying to help me heal..and work on the marriage...i thought my wh was "different." turns out, he was just as much of a jerk as everyone else's cheating husband. it was tough to see that...but most waywards pretty much follow the same rule book....funny how most of them RARELY stray away from the typical wayward behavior.
you know...i dont think anyone on this site is against you...or upset that your husband has stopped cheating...and really changed his words. i think the people want that to be true. but see...the problem is that a lot of us have been exactly where you are...and know from experience...and sometimes very painful experience that a wayward cant change in a few months. it just doesnt happen like that. and that is why the posters are talking to you like that.
[This message edited by Please1983 at 5:08 AM, June 21st (Friday)]
Now, as for family and/or friends. This is a big reason we didn't tell anyone. But since that ship has sailed I think you need to have a moment and sit down with your sister and mother and let them know what support you need. You may also want to let them know the steps your WH is taking to make things right. Our families want to protect us. And people who have never been through this have no idea what it's like. So rather than be defensive, teach them.
Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August
If you need documented proof to show your mother and sister, then sure, print it out and ask them to read it. Anything that can help you get the unconditional love and support you need from them is worth a try. Do either of them have experience with infidelity in their own lives?
"I know that you mean well in giving me advice/telling what I should do or not do but you are only making my situation worse. Please respect me enough to know that I am working through my issues with WH and the possibility of R. Your condemnation/criticism/attitude only adds additional unnecessary pressure on me. I need from you, your support, without judgement and criticism. You have always been a good listener and friend/sister/mother/cousin in the past and I need you to continue to do so. I need to be safe expressing my feelings/emotions/events to someone who will not use it against me. Are you able to do this for me?"
For the most part, after this talk, several friends realized that their actions and words were making the situation worse and would only drive me further away from them. They were able to change their approach. For the one friend who was unable to change her behaviour, I no longer tell her the details of what is going on between WH and I. She remains a good friend but for now, I have chosen to keep her on the outside.
I also want to specifically address making R work. With respect to what your WH is doing, your DDay looks fairly close to mine. My WH also appears to be committed to R and is doing everything that he can to prove to me that our M is worth saving. On days when I am struggling, WH asks whether I love him. My response is that if I love him/believe that I am capable of loving him fully again, I would not be here trying to R. For now, I am committed to trying to R. But for me, a large of love is trust, intimacy and feeling emotionally safe. Be encouraging to your WH, let him know that he is slowing rebuilding your trust and intimacy. Acknowledge your WH's efforts, thank him for what he is doing but also recognize that it will take time and hard work to rebuild a new normal.
I understand the desire to move forward and put the A in the past, it would be so easy to do so and focus on new things, like a child. But this would deprive you and WH of the chance to improve your M and make a better and stronger future for your family.
[This message edited by meplusfour at 12:09 PM, June 21st (Friday)]