All those things really helped me feel better about myself, and it also prompted H, on his own, to comment about how good I looked or how sexy those shoes made me. My beauty started to actually shine from within, and he couldn't help but see it and comment about it as well. And THAT was worth a thousand meaningless compliments.
For the sex issue, I tried something fairly early on that really helped me connect with H in that area. For a period of time, every time we had sex, I had at least one small light on in the room. I also asked H to look at my eyes, to connect with me, to let me know he was truly present and I was present and we were both completely in the moment and not off in our heads thinking of other things. It was a very intimidating task at first (especially since I was still feeling unwanted at the time and unattractive), but I did it anyway.
It was intense, incredibly deep, and very powerful for both of us. I felt such a connection with my H after that experience that I actually just sobbed very deeply for a few short moments because of the profound connection I felt with him. It was a good cry, and I've never cried for a good reason after sex in my entire life.
It might be worth trying in your situation. Get out of your head, and back into the situation.
ETA: Forgot to say, yes, my feelings have all returned to normal for my H and life is grand today!
[This message edited by doesitgetbetter at 11:24 AM, June 20th (Thursday)]
The triggering thoughts that popped in today stemmed from something he said in response to my (stupid!) question about the first month he lived with her after leaving me in the wake of DD#1: that they had sex every other day for that month. Then it fell off. Then it stopped. My head went to crazy town with jealousy and "you never did that with me even when we first met" mental torture. And lots of visual movies of them for icing. Trying to apply "stop" techniques but feeling so weak that I am still vulnerable to both the need to ask the (STUPID!) questions and the inability to handle the also equally stupid answers.
We still face a mountain.
We are heading towards 4 years since DDay....I too have accepted this is part of our marriage and have found joy in my life again. I love my H and he has done everything he can to help rebuild our marriage.
We went through HB and we also tried new things together and it was fun. But it was sex....not making love. Not sure if I'll ever feel the 'love' again.....I am trying not to lose hope that part of my life is over.
It really is sad my H chose to betray me changing my life forever without giving me any choice in the matter.....but I try to look at the 'glass half full'......we are together, we have a wonderful family and I am 90% of the time, truly happy with my life.....it's just not what it used to be and hey.....that's probably just life.
I hope you find the peace you are looking for.......
Healing from affairs takes a long time. Keeping a marriage from going stale is hard under the best of circumstances. My spouse and I are accept that we must work on our marriage every day. There is no time off for good behavior. Marriage is a living thing. It must be fed and cared for by both parties.
I wonder if he could show you more love and affection, if it would help connect you in bed. It's hard, nearly impossible for some, to be open sexually when they aren't connected outside the bedroom.
I don't think I am pretty but would still like him to think so. He says he does but I don't believe him.
Specifically to this, why would he keep telling you if you keep not accepting it? If you want him to tell you, and he does, then ACCEPT IT. Say thank you. Maybe it feels forced, but with practice, it will become more natural. I promise. BTDT got the tshirt.