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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Recovered with Questions
Jabez
♀ Member
Member # 32439
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am finally at a point where I can say that, by the grace of God, I am recovered. I am no longer depressed. Every day since the A, three years and five months ago, I wanted to die. Nothing mattered except my
Grandchildren and I put on a mask for them and walked through every day like a zombie. In spite of my husbands constant attention and remorse I could not escape this nightmare. I am so happy to say that is not my life anymore.I am basically happy and accepted my situation. I am getting involved again in the community where I live and making new friends. WH is thrilled and excited about all this. All is not perfect, I have some serious issues with my back and have gained back 20 of the 40 pounds I lost. Cant exercise and I am in a lot of pain. I have a couple of questions I would like those who consider themselves recovered to answer.Even though many people still, out of the blue, tell me I am very pretty, he still does not. I don't think I am pretty but would still like him to think so. He says he does but I don't believe him. Also, he sends me lots of, "my baby" and "my lovely wife" texts but in person it is just, I love you. Will I ever get over this feeling of not being good enough? I still have a huge issue that I can not seem to get past. Prior to the A we had a fantastic sexual relationship. He has always agreed on this but I can not seem to get back to even close to where we were. I still have desires but when we start to make love I am extremely uncomfortable. I do not feel any desire for him and want to escape.It is like I have never been with him before and can hardly stand his advances. I go along with everything but most times I am not really there. It seems like this one part of our relationship has died. I love him very much and in every other area I have no problem expressing affection to him but in the actual act I am miserable. Anyone else go through this and did your post A feelings return?



Posts: 64 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: texas
doesitgetbetter
♀ Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate to a lot of what you posted! We're 5 and 1/2 years post DDay here. I spent a lot of time trying to work on my own self esteem. It was roughly around where you are at that I decided that I wanted to do things to make myself FEEL sexier. Once I started doing things for ME, my self esteem started climbing in a big way. I did little things, like I colored my hair for a while, I started wearing eye makeup, I bought a few new outfits, I bought a pair of sexy high heels to wear on special occasions. I started spending a lot of time outside to get a good healthy color to my skin.

All those things really helped me feel better about myself, and it also prompted H, on his own, to comment about how good I looked or how sexy those shoes made me. My beauty started to actually shine from within, and he couldn't help but see it and comment about it as well. And THAT was worth a thousand meaningless compliments.

For the sex issue, I tried something fairly early on that really helped me connect with H in that area. For a period of time, every time we had sex, I had at least one small light on in the room. I also asked H to look at my eyes, to connect with me, to let me know he was truly present and I was present and we were both completely in the moment and not off in our heads thinking of other things. It was a very intimidating task at first (especially since I was still feeling unwanted at the time and unattractive), but I did it anyway.

It was intense, incredibly deep, and very powerful for both of us. I felt such a connection with my H after that experience that I actually just sobbed very deeply for a few short moments because of the profound connection I felt with him. It was a good cry, and I've never cried for a good reason after sex in my entire life.

It might be worth trying in your situation. Get out of your head, and back into the situation.

Good luck!

ETA: Forgot to say, yes, my feelings have all returned to normal for my H and life is grand today!

[This message edited by doesitgetbetter at 11:24 AM, June 20th (Thursday)]


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
Twentyplus
♀ Member
Member # 39593
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My first post! Im relating here: I had a honkin' trigger this morning in the sexual jealousy department. I probably look and act sexier now than have since my 30s but it doesn't keep my mind clear. I was on the HB train with him big time for about a year and a half--during TT and what was a slow if not false R. It seemed so much more fluid to connect physically. We STRUGGLE still to talk of affair meaning in the sexual arena, even in MC sessions.

The triggering thoughts that popped in today stemmed from something he said in response to my (stupid!) question about the first month he lived with her after leaving me in the wake of DD#1: that they had sex every other day for that month. Then it fell off. Then it stopped. My head went to crazy town with jealousy and "you never did that with me even when we first met" mental torture. And lots of visual movies of them for icing. Trying to apply "stop" techniques but feeling so weak that I am still vulnerable to both the need to ask the (STUPID!) questions and the inability to handle the also equally stupid answers.

We still face a mountain.


"But we must supply our own light." - Stanley Kubrick


Posts: 61 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: The Big Blue Sea
Alex CR
♀ Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you are struggling with this......

We are heading towards 4 years since DDay....I too have accepted this is part of our marriage and have found joy in my life again. I love my H and he has done everything he can to help rebuild our marriage.

We went through HB and we also tried new things together and it was fun. But it was sex....not making love. Not sure if I'll ever feel the 'love' again.....I am trying not to lose hope that part of my life is over.

It really is sad my H chose to betray me changing my life forever without giving me any choice in the matter.....but I try to look at the 'glass half full'......we are together, we have a wonderful family and I am 90% of the time, truly happy with my life.....it's just not what it used to be and hey.....that's probably just life.

I hope you find the peace you are looking for.......


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1671 | Registered: Mar 2010
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you read The Passionate Marriage? I think it could be helpful. And The Five Love Languages.

Healing from affairs takes a long time. Keeping a marriage from going stale is hard under the best of circumstances. My spouse and I are accept that we must work on our marriage every day. There is no time off for good behavior. Marriage is a living thing. It must be fed and cared for by both parties.

I wonder if he could show you more love and affection, if it would help connect you in bed. It's hard, nearly impossible for some, to be open sexually when they aren't connected outside the bedroom.

I don't think I am pretty but would still like him to think so. He says he does but I don't believe him.

Specifically to this, why would he keep telling you if you keep not accepting it? If you want him to tell you, and he does, then ACCEPT IT. Say thank you. Maybe it feels forced, but with practice, it will become more natural. I promise. BTDT got the tshirt.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6360 | Registered: Jan 2011
Topic Posts: 5

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