I could never accept that I had any feelings for my AP. I was in denial. My BW said that I had to because the A was so long. I can't say I was in love but I have thought it through. I will say that I had to care for her. I cared that she made me feel good about myself among other things so even one ounce of care equals care. This is a big step for me to make this admission. I first had to convince myself.
After D Day I just shut everything off. It doesn't matter to me what happens to my AP or how she feels. I didn't then and I still don't now. I was always talking to my BW in today's terms and not how it was during the A. I don't know why now I'm just getting it.
I found a new IC and I like him. I hope I make better progress then I have before. I saw my doctor today and had my ADs changed due to a comment made on here about other possible issues. I hope it works.
I hope to keep moving forward and learning more about myself and why I could hurt my BW as bad as someone ever could. I also would like to say I don't post on here to get pats on the back. I use it as a means of speaking what's on my mind. I find it therapy itself. I think starting to get it.