Don't know why this just popped into my mind but I feel a great sense of loss. I'm probably never going to make it to China now. There is no way a single mother of 3 living in Jersey could save up the money. Especially on a teacher's salary. It really is a devastating feeling...well...one of the many losses. I swear I'm going to be psycho about selfishness in the future. The selfishness the A took away so much special. The selfishness of an unremorseful husband leading to divorce takes away more, too. I guess going to Chinatown in NYC will have to do for now.
What am I doing?
Related Side Note: As I continue to look for jobs I regularly see positions for English teachers in China.
"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in." -Cohen
It's something I'll cry about and be angry about. But it will never take the place of being able to be a mom to my children. I'd rather see them happy.
And I agree to never say never. I was just thinking the other day, what people spend their money on really proves where their priorities are. Some people spend it on makeup, clothes, alcohol, hobbies, toys, etc. There's no reason you can't put a little bit of your spending money away here and there for your trip. It's good to have a goal!
I'm saving up for scuba diving with a friend right now (about $400). I'm giving up all my little extras here and there, putting all my bits of spending money away for that.. I can't wait! I think taking your kids would be a great experience for them, so maybe it will take a while, but I'm sure you could get there one day if you want!
Well, first I need a full time job. That's a whole other issue.
My dreams almost died with my divorce. I cried, and mourned everything that I had lost and was losing. And it was my mom who got me out of my funk. Me dying inside was killing her. My depression caused major depression for her. I couldn't bear to see her struggling because of me.
I forced myself to move ahead. I had to rebuild my whole life, mentally, emotionally, financially. Now I am surprised I was ever at the low that I was at. And those lovely islands I wanted to go to? Plans are for next November, and we are on track. This is probably not what you want to hear, but your eventual divorce is NOT the end of your life. You have to pick up and carry on.
When I was a young adult my mom had a long overdue trip back to Korea for a one month stay. As children she had no assistance from our father. She worked 2-3 jobs, saved up every penny, and made a good life for my brother and I. All she had was us kids, and her motivation to be successful was us. You need to find your strength. Whether it is your kids, or you dreams, something needs to to motivate you to carry on. Good luck. *hugs*
[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 8:41 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]
You're a single mother with 3 kids now, but that only means you can't go next summer. 5-10 years down the road, you may not even be a single mother any more. Even beyond that, you won't be financially responsible for 3 kids for the rest of your life... maybe China is something that can happen in 20 years, not 10.
All this crap shows us that we never know what's around the next corner... wonderful things can also happen!
In the meantime, TEArrific on Mott Street is our favorite place. Great bubble tea and wonderful sticky rice and dumplings.
When you land that job (and you will!!!!) open up a savings account and call it "The China Fund". Put $10 in every pay. $10 isn't a lot of money...it won't take away from the kids. Make sure you can't withdraw or transfer from that account unless you go to the bank---but set up an auto withdrawal in your pay check (direct deposit).
You'll be surprised how quickly you can make that dream a reality.
Don't let go of that dream, TCD. It IS achievable.
Please don't let this steal your dream. It is just a set back for now that is all. You will overcome all this and one day you will be on a plan to China. You will think back to how you thought you would never make it there and laugh to yourself and be so DAMN proud of yourself for never letting go of your dream.
And who knows maybe you will find a millior that is head over heels in love with you and treats you like the Empress!
Thank you everyone for the support and words of encouragement. When that thought crossed my mind I felt that vacuum in my chest and everything just get sucked out...like, "oh no, not another thing." During what I guess was false R (because who would call what he wanted reconciliation) he had mentioned going next year. Good thing we didn't actually plan anything!
I have a friend who was in a similar place as you several (14-15) years ago. She and her H separated. When her youngest was out of the house, she left her native country and went to china to teach. When I met her (online) she had been there for 3 years and was renewing her contract for a couple more years in a different school in a different part of China. Her kids would regularly come to visit her. She has since gone back to Canada to be closer to her family.
You CAN do this.
As others have said, don't give up on that dream of going to China. Your kids will grow up (so incredibly fast) and you'll have plenty of time to pursue your own dreams. Hang in there.