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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: MC advice again...
Butterfly24
♀ Member
Member # 39053
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We went to mc yesterday, I have posted before how I don't consider her to be helpful, as I feel she coddles my wh. It seems she feels sorry for him and it pisses me off.

So yesterday, MC tells me I do not express my feelings and talk about things unless I am angry. Guess what? I am angry. My WH cheated on me with a prostitute and gave me herpes.

She asked how things have been between wh and I since last time we saw her. I told her not good. I told her that I had another outbreak of herpes, worse than the last one and that I have been really MAD.

WH told her that the other day things were going well and I just flipped on him. What really happened was I asked him questions about him and his whore, he didn't want to answer them and I told him he was a coward. He can cheat on me but he does not have the balls to answer my questions. He says he doesn't think he should have to share the details because it will hurt me more.

The MC asked if we have considered a trial separation because it seems we are going around in circles. I said to her that I read somewhere(it was here) that some people give themselves 6 months to even try to decide what they want to do.

She keeps saying I am punishing my WH because I go through different stages, sadness, anger, being ok, etc.
I don't feel this is accurate and I feel I have every right to feel these things, as do all of you. It seems normal from what I read here.

I also told her I believe he cheated more than the one time. Based on the things I have found online and the lies he has told. Another reason I am punishing him. I have to trust him or not she says. That's true, I suppose but it's going to take longer than 2 months. And I don't trust him at all at this point.

I have read lots of post her and I find that the BS's pretty much all feel the same things, have the same questions and the same concerns for the most part.

So why does my MC think I should feel differently?

Any advice? Thoughts?


Posts: 62 | Registered: Apr 2013
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think your MC feels this way because she sucks. Find a new one.

Everything you are feeling is normal, healthy. How else does someone react to this kind of trauma?

That counselor is doing you more harm than good. I would insist your spouse read Not Just Friends. While his cheating was a bit different, the concepts and healing information is invaluable.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 5861 | Registered: Jan 2011
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She keeps saying I am punishing my WH because I go through different stages, sadness, anger, being ok, etc.

I would and did say, "and what is wrong with that?" I wish I would have added, "and she should get used to it for a while."

Your H was the ass. He didn't cheat because of something you did or didn't give him, he cheated because he was an ass - plain and simply. Everything else is just window dressing. What is wrong with punishment? I'm not talking physical or even mental, but a little emotional, sure. IMO a WS should feel like shit for a while. They should know you are pissed and are ready to walk. They should be down and you should be up. Period. I mean don't get me wrong that is not a successful long term relationship strategy and its not fair. Right after the A, fuck fair. IMO it's time for the BS to kick a little tail and the WS to be tucking theirs. A remorseful spouse will be a little submissive. I mean part of R is balancing that part back out and the BS learning to lengthen the leach on the WS as they earn trust and respect back.

IMO your MC is a chump. IMO most are. We went through 3 and my W went through 3 IC's. This industry, like many industry's, is filled with a bunch of want a be's.

Many MC's want to make it about the M. They want to talk communication because that is what they do. I mean that stuff is critical long term if it doesn't exists in the relationship, but it has nothing to do with the A itself. IMO MC is not very useful until WS is very remorseful and BS is relatively healthy and detached.

Sorry I went on a bit of a tangent. If you two need help communicating find an MC that is familiar with infidelity. Ask if they know Glass, Spring and some of the other biggies.

take care...

[This message edited by wert at 3:26 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]



Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2012
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Lord,
Next time ask this question "Have you been cheated on? Ever? Has your H ever been in an A? And what if he gave you a STD for life? Would you be angry?

This chick has no experince in A's it seems like. Give her the AXE


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)37
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2459 | Registered: Aug 2011
Markay81
♀ New Member
Member # 39387
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please find a new MC ASAP. This woman obviously has no experience or training when it comes to infidelity. She should not be taking on clients who have this problem. UGH that makes me so angry that you have had to deal with the crap from your spouse but now that your trying to work it out you have to deal with crap from a woman who you are paying good money who has no idea wtf she is doing. Sorry ranting a little here.


Ugh! Sometimes reality sucks.
BS (me) 31
WH (him) 33
OW - married Bar Whore Rig Rat
Married 14 years
3 amazing kids
DDay-3/03/2013 TT.The whole truth came out(hopefully) 06/09/2013
Currently on the roller coaster of R.

Posts: 48 | Registered: May 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can go with Rebreather on this one. I mean, I would have said 'incompetent', but 'sucks' works well, too....

It's normal in life to bounce through feeling glad, mad, sad, and scared as one goes through life, so you can't help that. Your H feels punished, though, because he knows he did you and him a lot of damage and because he knows he's still hurting you.

Any semi-competent human being knows that the way for your H to stop feeling punished is to own his shit and make changes. My bet is that he'll feel worse if you stop sharing your feelings with him. Hmmm....

Your last session should be your last with her. If you can't cancel without incurring a charge for the next session, consider billing her for training services....

Maybe she'll say she's pretending to be incompetent so you can find your strengths...which you seem to be doing.

I'm sorry to sound flippant. It's awful to rely on someone for help who should have told you in the beginning that she couldn't help you.

[This message edited by sisoon at 5:50 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]


FBH (me) - 65+, FWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together almost 49 (as of January, 2014)
DDay - 12/2010
Almost Recovered
I share my own experience not because I'm a good model but because it's the only experience I know.

Posts: 8933 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
jjsr
♀ Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Find a new MC and quick


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1532 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Texas
Knowing
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh dear, I raged steadily for the first 3 months. I'd hate for anyone to tell me my feelings were wrong. I guess we were lucky with our MC. I hope you can find another MC and fast!


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
FeelingSoMuch
♂ Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with everyone here. You need your feelings validated. You need to know your WH understands the depth of the damage his actions caused before you can even think about letting go of some of the rage.

Until he feels it, you won't be able to let go. That's been the case with me.

The next stage for me has been to ask for constructive caring behaviours from my WW. That only came after three months of me raging and looking for validation of my feelings, which our MC helped us with.

Now, we're on caring behaviuors. I don't know what comes next. This is where we're at and I believe that with proper guidance you can move to the next stage, too.

WTF? If the therapist and your WH validate your feelings and you guys advance to the next stage, everybody wins.

Stay strong. You've been wronged by the person closest to you. That hurts like hell and anger is a form of defence.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
The hard part: They still work together.

Posts: 465 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
OnAnIsland
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 2:01 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Get a new MC. Don't be afraid to walk, don't be afraid to start over with a new MC.

[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 2:02 AM, June 20th (Thursday)]


D-day: Christmas 2011 when i saw a text from MarriedOW to WH
D-day 2: 3/28/2013: confessed phone sex over 10 years ago (2000 or 2001) with another OW

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school


Posts: 1429 | Registered: Dec 2011
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with all that suggest a new MC.

I went through 2 before I found someone that actually helped.

First was scary and would only consider divorce and no other path.

Second seemed intimidated by my emotions, every time I got upset he would stop the conversation and tell me to find my center. We never finished one conversation and I felt worse everytime I went.

Now with MC #3 I can't wait to talk to him. I walk away with relief.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1096 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Find a new MC and do it quickly. This is one of the reasons WH and I did not fo to MC...a bad MC is worse than no MC.

The longer he listens to her spout her bullshit,the harder true R will be. Anytime you get upset,he will tell you it's because you're punishing him..because that's what the "professional" said.

Run..do not walk...away from this MC.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: R? I don't know..ask me tomorrow..it changes rapidly.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 6669 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
aesir
♂ Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MC should be fired, or set on fire, I'm good either way.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
Topic Posts: 13

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