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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What people "know"
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was replying to you sailorgirl on a different thread as you were replying to me! Hi!

I have learned so much in the last 8 months it's incredible. The nice thing is that I can and have helped others IRL with infidelity and am less judgmental in general.

The sad thing is I really wish I wasn't so well-versed in these topics!

[This message edited by catlover50 at 9:08 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]

Dday -9/24/2012

Posts: 1748 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the things that troubles me in this whole A mess is that I feel judged.

I feel that because fWH went out and had an A people think "Oh clearly ItsaClimb is a bad wife and not good in bed" and then on top of that I feel that, now that I am attempting R, people are thinking "Oh my goodness, ItsaClimb is such a doormat, she still wants to be married to that man, even though he had an A!"

Trust me, I get how ridiculous this is, I know that the A is not about me, it's all about fWH and his flaws...blah, blah, blah...The problem is that WE as BS know that, but the world at large still believes differently. Hell, it shames me to admit it, but until I became a BS I would have been saying those very things about betrayed spouses!

In some way I want this wrong to be righted, I picture my husband going out there with a great big bill-board declaring that "ItsaClimb is a top-class wife, and the most amazing and exciting lover ever to burn up the sheets!! And I will forever be eternally grateful to her for giving my sorry ass a place in her home" In fact, I imagine him taking out an advert in the national newspaper declaring the same and a spot on TV to boot! Gawd I would be mortified if he did any such thing on even a tiny scale, but you get my drift... I want to be vindicated. That's the bottom line. I want the world in general to know that I was always a good wife to this flawed man, I was an above average (perhaps even slightly gifted ) lover and I am being gracious and generous by giving him a second chance.

I realise that if I was more emotionally mature and secure in my self I wouldn't think like this... but I do, my pride is hurt. I am embarrassed and ashamed. On some level the A has played into my low sense of self-worth. All those little insecurities are now great BIG insecurities.

Just another element of healing that has to take place.

BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1022 | Registered: Oct 2012
♂ Member
Member # 36910
Default  Posted: 1:47 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry I don't know how to quote yet.

Rebreather said "Soon you will just think "oh fuck them and all of that bullshit. Meh."

I so cannot wait to get to this point. All the things that were said about me really gets my goat.

(F?)WW-39 (neznayou)
DDay-08/10/12 TT for 18 Months (I think)
Married 19 years

Posts: 133 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Colorado
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the clarification.

Dealing with both false and true accusations at the same time - ugh!

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10345 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, sisoon, that's where a polygraph came in real handy. My fWH actually was glad to have "proof", even though he was thoroughly humiliated by the process.

Dday -9/24/2012

Posts: 1748 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cat Lover,

FYI, write out what you want your WH to say when people ask. Then the two of you need to practice him saying it.

You pretend you are someone making a comment, he says the prewritten script.

Do it until it comes out of his mouth sounding natural.

Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 893 | Registered: Jun 2012
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Better yet 'Why do we stay' if we care what others think?

Right we don't care!
But I tell everyone to sweep off their back porch before they start sweepin at my door step!

There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. This does help me. I think I care less already!

Dday -9/24/2012

Posts: 1748 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
♀ Member
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

only his family knows and a close now Ex-friend ... i choose not to share with my family at all because they have always not liked him and would give them more ammo . also had i said oh he cheated they would be " see i told you thats men for ya, or come home" had i said " oh i cheated" they would respond " oh girl its cause your young its ok , you just need to get out more dont settle down yet" yupppp my family is that kind of ppl .

also i think when WH cheats its viewed diff to the public : BW isnt doing something right she needs to please her man whats wrong with her.

if WW cheats on BH: its oh man that girl is trashy he doesnt deserve that , she should forever be a slut

at least thats the way ive seen it ...sux

[This message edited by huRtZ413 at 2:26 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
Topic Posts: 29
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