One of the things that troubles me in this whole A mess is that I feel judged.
I feel that because fWH went out and had an A people think "Oh clearly ItsaClimb is a bad wife and not good in bed" and then on top of that I feel that, now that I am attempting R, people are thinking "Oh my goodness, ItsaClimb is such a doormat, she still wants to be married to that man, even though he had an A!"
Trust me, I get how ridiculous this is, I know that the A is not about me, it's all about fWH and his flaws...blah, blah, blah...The problem is that WE as BS know that, but the world at large still believes differently. Hell, it shames me to admit it, but until I became a BS I would have been saying those very things about betrayed spouses!
In some way I want this wrong to be righted, I picture my husband going out there with a great big bill-board declaring that "ItsaClimb is a top-class wife, and the most amazing and exciting lover ever to burn up the sheets!! And I will forever be eternally grateful to her for giving my sorry ass a place in her home" In fact, I imagine him taking out an advert in the national newspaper declaring the same and a spot on TV to boot! Gawd I would be mortified if he did any such thing on even a tiny scale, but you get my drift... I want to be vindicated. That's the bottom line. I want the world in general to know that I was always a good wife to this flawed man, I was an above average (perhaps even slightly gifted ) lover and I am being gracious and generous by giving him a second chance.
I realise that if I was more emotionally mature and secure in my self I wouldn't think like this... but I do, my pride is hurt. I am embarrassed and ashamed. On some level the A has played into my low sense of self-worth. All those little insecurities are now great BIG insecurities.
Just another element of healing that has to take place.