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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Does anyone feel like their WS is not the "one?"
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, I know it's not about me...but, I can't shake off the idea that "I" may not be the one for my H. Or else, he wouldn't have accidently fallen on 8 different women with his clothes off...haha. I'm trying to be funny, laughter's way better than tears...

No, but really, I sort of feel like if I were the ONE, he wouldn't have done those things. I question whether we're soul mates, as he likes to call me. I even googled the defenition of love. I guess in the end, if he didn't love himself, he couldn't love me. It's oh so tragic...

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 1:18 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't really believe in "the one" - I think there are any number of people any of us can be happy with. What I do believe in is honoring the commitments that you make.

I also believe your H's cheating had nothing to do with his level of love for you or whether or not you were his "one." He would have cheated on anyone he was with. I believe that.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6809 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
easiersaid
Member
Member # 38398
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Jana. As another who is living with a WS who had multiple As, some that happened pre-marriage, I believe this is a "him" problem.


Me: BS, 40 yrs
Him: WS, 41 yrs (4 PA over 14 yrs, 2 ONS, 2 current PA of 3 months and 2 yrs)
Two small children
Married 17 years
D-day: 1/26/13

Posts: 108 | Registered: Feb 2013
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also do not believe in the concept of "soul mates" or having (or being) "the one". I'm sure if I grew up in a different part of the country/world, I'd be with someone else right now. There are many, many other women I could likely be happy with besides my W.

BTW, I didn't always feel this strongly about this concept until my W told me OM was her soul mate.
She later realized and admitted her A had nothing to do with him, or me, and OM could've been anybody. Just affirmation that a spouse could also be anybody.

[This message edited by DWBH at 2:51 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
LivingALie
♀ Member
Member # 17217
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That sounds like you're giving him a pass - because if you're not "THE ONE" for him - its really not his fault that he cheated. Or that it was out of his control - because after all, you aren't the "one" so he has to cheat.

It's got nothing to do with that whatsoever - Jana is right - there are any number people we can be happy with - thats whats called "attraction" - and when you're married - sure, you can feel that attraction but you don't ACT on it - big difference.

It's real simple (at least in my book) he wouldn't have done those things if he had boundaries and respect for you and himself.


Me: BS
H had LTA with co-worker
Both mid-50s
Two sons - grown and on their own
DD - April 2010
Please note registration date is not correct. See my profile for details
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 1264 | Registered: Nov 2007
loveisareddress
♀ Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, I know it's not about me...but, I can't shake off the idea that "I" may not be the one for my H.

Turn it around.

Maybe he isn't the one for you.


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


Posts: 442 | Registered: Aug 2012
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ah, touche, loveisareddress.

Now, you've got me thinking...


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Libery, it's what you titled this thread.

Freud isn't all bullshit.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know!Sorry, everyone who's truly R-ing. I shouldn't be here. Not right now anyways...I'm going back to general with dear Skan.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
StixNstones
♀ Member
Member # 37458
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I use to believe in the whole..."the one" and "soulmate" fantasy land. When me and Wh first met I told my bf that he was "the one" I was going to marry! I was immediately drawn to him!

That was 21 years ago, I've grown up quite a bit since then and that fantasy has been shattered many times, to the point that its no longer a realistic concept.

Like the others have said...you could be happy with any number of ppl. Our Waywards were!


BS (Me): 37
WH: 40

Dday: March 2011 (found out EA Phone records)
2nd Dday: June 18, 2011 (OW told me about WH secret phone)
3rd Dday: December 13, 2012 (found evidence WH stalking Ow on FB)
4th Dday: February 4, 2013 (confession of 2nd secret


Posts: 99 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: East Coast
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know!Sorry, everyone who's truly R-ing. I shouldn't be here. Not right now anyways...I'm going back to general with dear Skan.

There is nothing to be sorry for. But in all your posting, the one person I think you are not listening to is yourself.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love you Rebreather! Thank you. Thank you for listening to me and believing in me. H is so manipulative and convincing.... So, there it is. I'm co-dependent. I've gotta work that out in IC.

Thanks again, doll. :)
-Libby

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 6:13 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Conflicted1
♀ Member
Member # 39019
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chiming in because this has been a difference my WH and I have had since dating. He believes in "the one" and I don't. He was so convinced I was the one for him that he thought he would eventually convince me that he was right. I think he believed me to be too guarded and logical to go there with my feelings and it would just take a transformative relationship to make me a believer. Sigh. I'm still hoping for that but in all likelihood I will remain too much a realist and believe only hard work and a good partnership over a lifetime can prove such a thing. I want to be that cute little old couple still devoted and holding hands on a walk...not sure if that is equivalent of the same "vision" but a different path to get there or not.


Honesty is a very expensive gift. Don't expect it from cheap people.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Me=BW 45
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:07 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well said DWBH. Love is a decision. I felt my wife was right for me and that we were good for each other...thus my thoughtful decision to ask her to marry me 15 years ago.

I still feel that way.

But since love is a decision I totally get that if I grew up in Japan I would have found and chose to love a girl in Japan.

I too got the soulmate statement from my wife regarding her OM...it pretty much sucks...but only to the extent you let it.

I DO believe in God. In my case I don't believe it is Gods plan to have a married mother of 2 hook up with married father of 5. Dang that own will part of our being!!! smile.

I use this a reminder to ME as I have selfish urges during this process...it helps me center myself. Though I have done selfish things during this process...I am not perfect either.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4005 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Topic Posts: 14

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