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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Confront the OW or not?
dovetool
♀ Member
Member # 37072
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I havent confronted the OW since I found out. She was a "friend" in town our boys were best friends. It's been over a year since my fWH left her to come home.

She finally knows I know but I'm wondering if I should talk to her. I am 9 months preggers so maybe after he's born so I dont freak out too much.

I want to talk to her and get the details about the affair. Not a 100% convinced fWH has told me the whole truth or leaving somedetails out so not to hurt me.

We are moving out of town, into a new home and better area for the kids. I know my husband wants to leave so I dont run into her and get upset at him anymore. It does make a good day turn bad pretty fast. I hate the fact that we are moving though and she can now finally step back out and not feel ashamed because she believes no one knows.

I want to talk to her and get the details. Then I want to tell everyone in town about her so that even after Im gone they will look at her like the hoe she is.

Why am I so obsessed?


Me BS: 29
Him WH: 35
OW: 40 was a "friend". Our sons were best friends.
Married 11 years
D-day: 12/05/12
D-day: of who it really was 08/2012
R: started in 03/2012
True recover September... rough at first for me since I wasnt sure about

Posts: 68 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: dovetool
Lucky
♀ Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently. You are only going to get any kind of karma or satisfaction in your mind.

She will not tell you the truth, she will tell you things that will hurt forever.

You can't unring that bell. EVER.

Leave her be and focus on you, your H, your R and your impending birth of your new baby.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She will not tell you the truth, she will tell you things that will hurt forever.

This is what MOW did to me


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Asking ow for info implies you trust her - unless you trust her, her info is no good.

NC means no new hurts.

OTOH, if she was M or in a relationship during her A, outing her to her H/partner would be a good service to do, even if one of the motivations for outing her is to hurt her.

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:51 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10352 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Justmiserable
♀ New Member
Member # 39388
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my case, I first sent a rather gracious e-mail to the OW, because shortly after DDay, I didn't have the whole picture and my husband was trying to protect her and make her sound like the victim. I felt genuine pity for her then.

A few months of trickle truth and me finding out what a manipulating person she was, sparked me to send another e-mail that was filled with my thoughts about her as a human being and with all that I then knew. I deleted the e-mail account so she could not respond, we changed our numbers, etc. I probably wouldn't have done this, but she actually responded to my first e-mail, pretending that she was just outraged when she discovered my husband was married. I guess she was so outraged that she felt the need to send provocative pictures, text him all day, lie about herself and bad mouth me (well, I did see some of the pics she sent, and have to correct that she attempted to be provocative ) She did many things that clearly showed she was pursuing him relentlessly. (not that this excused him in the least, don't get me wrong here)

The only good that came out of it was her narcissistic tantrum on pinterest after my last e-mail, with childish E-Cards aimed at me. At least I got to show my husband what a heartless and disgusting beast he almost lost his family over.


me-BS,FWS madhatter (36)
him-BS, FWS (39)
2 children 17 and 13
Married 13 years
Ow-(36)Stranger that he met on POF
D-day 10/03/2012
status: in recovery, NC with OW since shortly after DDay

Posts: 36 | Registered: May 2013
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Red  Posted: 3:19 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Justmiserable,

Please note the Reconciliation forum description:

A wonderful place to share your struggles, success stories and triggers while trying to reconcile.It's a long road, but you can do it! There is to be no venting about or name calling the OP in this forum.

Thank you.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38013 | Registered: Sep 2007
Myheartstillhurt
♀ Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dove,

Are you going to stop R based on talking to someone who also betrayed you?

OW/xBFF was "aunt" to my kids. I did confront her. I let her see my vulnerability, 100% regret it.

She only lied to me, and even if they were not lies, I still didn't believe.

She was willing to destroy your friendship with her, the friendship your kids had with one another, your marriage, and try to take your husband. Does this sound like a trustworthy person?

Also, I would imagine that you have been NC with her. Why take that time clock back to zero? It's like when someone doesn't smoke for 3 months and gives it all up for one cigarette. From what I understand, it is not worth the smoke. Gets people addicted again, spends money, decreases health..

Same for contacting OW. It will break NC, it will hurt your marriage, it will leave you with more questions, and it will totally pick the scab of any healing that is taken place so far. If you are in true R, don't set yourself back. She is irrelevant in your life now.


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2011 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
allfalldown
♀ Member
Member # 39324
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I recently had an experience meeting with/talking to the OW. She helped fill in some missing pieces of the puzzle. I decided to ask SPECIFIC questions for my timeline.

She met me initially to keep me from outing her to her BS. That fear made her throw my WH under the bus. I'm glad I confronted her.


Dday 5-10-13
1 year + EA/PA (still TT)
Me- BW
Him- WH
M- 15 years
2 kiddos
Today's forecast is foggy with a chance of D.

"Better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie"


Posts: 58 | Registered: May 2013 | From: hell on earth
dovetool
♀ Member
Member # 37072
Angry  Posted: 3:31 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know maybe its best to just let sleeping dogs lay. I just find it so difficult to move forward with my husband because of all these questions I have in my head. I ask him but I feel like he won't give me certain details because he always feels so shameful talking about it. I dont think he wants to admit that maybe they went out of town together or he took her out somewhere nice and romantic. I wish I could know all the details!

I guess I never will. But yes this woman was married but she did Divorce her husband to be with mine. Her divorce was Final in January 2012 when I kicked my fwh out of the house. He started to be with her again it just wasnt the same I guess. He realized what he gave up.

I guess maybe I still want to hurt her because I'm still hurt. I'm pregnant and i feel trapped sometimes. I feel like I'm losing living in a town I love because of her and my husbands decision. I was an active member of my small town and people knew me well. Everyone knew when my WH left me and were very supportive during that time for me. And I HAVE to leave.

Im just so angry right now.


Me BS: 29
Him WH: 35
OW: 40 was a "friend". Our sons were best friends.
Married 11 years
D-day: 12/05/12
D-day: of who it really was 08/2012
R: started in 03/2012
True recover September... rough at first for me since I wasnt sure about

Posts: 68 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: dovetool
dovetool
♀ Member
Member # 37072
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MyHeart,

I see what your saying. I guess recovery has been going well. I guess I am afraid that I will hear something that may make me regress. But then again shouldnt I know everything!

When I finally let my WH come back in April 2012 he wasnt honest with me. He never told me how long his affair lasted and with who he had it. I kept seeing this woman in town and had no clue.I didnt discover who it was until October 2012 of who it was. Then he finally came out and told me details and how long it was and that it was a PA along with EA.

What if there are other things I do not know?


Me BS: 29
Him WH: 35
OW: 40 was a "friend". Our sons were best friends.
Married 11 years
D-day: 12/05/12
D-day: of who it really was 08/2012
R: started in 03/2012
True recover September... rough at first for me since I wasnt sure about

Posts: 68 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: dovetool
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you have two issues at play.

One, this woman hurt you and it is our natural reaction to want to strike back, defend yourself. And frnakly? I think you should. But, you must do so knowing that she may strike back, and/or that you will get nothing positive from her by doing so. You have to consider it simply defending yourself. If you don't think you can handle a return strike, then don't do it.

Two, you have an unremorseful spouse. Now, don't get defensive from reading that!

Remorseful spouses honor the ones they betrayed by being open and honest, and by putting your needs above their own fears. How dare, HOW DARE HE, decide what you can and cannot handle knowing? You are an adult. If you ask a question, it is deserving of an answer. The very LEAST he can do, is provide you with the information you need to make decisions about YOUR life. He protects himself and risks you by doing so. When a wayward can understand and accept this as true, then you have something. Until then, demand he answer what you need to know. That he treat you with respect and like an adult. And that he show you the honor that you deserve the truth about your life, so you can make the best decisions possible for YOU - be that with or without him in your life. The wayward must let go the control he feels he must exert over you. It needs to be done so you can reconcile, but it also needs to be done so he can heal himself.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I never will.

Truth.

I guess maybe I still want to hurt her because I'm still hurt.

Normal.

Im just so angry right now

Use it to do something great for yourself. Run a marathon. Write a book. Take up boxing. Whatever. Empower you.

take care...



Posts: 1428 | Registered: Jan 2012
Myheartstillhurt
♀ Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What if there are other things I do not know?


Hmmm, well, what would it change? I recently commented on another thread about asking for details. We all decide if we want to know all the details. Problem is with those comes the inability to forget them.

I asked like a mad person for details. Got them all. Every. Single. One.

It was absolutely awful, and I experienced a slow recovery because of nightmares and mind movies of all this stuff.

My MC said once (after I knew everything of course) that if you know it is as bad as it can be (being that you were betrayed by both people, they "loved" each other, and they had sex) why do you want to know exactly what they said? Where they had sex? What promises were made?

It serves only to hurt you. That is my personal opinion and experience. It took a lot of extremely hard work (in both IC and MC) for me to let those details go.


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2011 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
Topic Posts: 13

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