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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Unwilling to earn back trust
RedRose
♀ Member
Member # 39584
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quick background - I suspected my WH was having an affair with a coworker for almost two years. He denied it often, until I found texts between them to confirm it. We began MC, only to discover three weeks later that they were still seeing each other.

My WH has been doing everything right as far as improving our communication, showing me that he loves me -but he seems to be unwilling to earn my trust. He has given me the password to his cell phone, but no longer leaves it to charge in our bedroom anymore. Instead, he leaves it in his car or in his pants pocket, so that if he leaves the house quickly (he is a firefighter) it won't be left behind. We have talked about this bothering me repeatedly since I discovered the affair continued after dday 1, with no change. On the advice of our MC, I asked him recently to swap phones with me for a night; he refused, saying that he uses his phone to communicate with his friends, and that I am just going to have to trust him. Later that night he did give me his phone, and I didn't find anything suspicious on it, but I am getting frustrated. Four months after dday 2, if he isn't willing to do it now, I'm thinking he never will be willing. Am I stupid to be hoping it will finally sink in with him?


BW-35
WH - 35
2.5 year LTA

Posts: 159 | Registered: Jun 2013
Clarrissa
♀ Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWW here. Gently, he is NOT doing "everything" right. He's refusing to be transparent. That is a MUST if R is going to have a shot at working. My bet is he'd already deleted anything incriminating from his phone before he let you look. My bet is also that he's still in contact with the OW. That's why he won't swap phones. Can't take the chance that you'll intercept a call/text from her.

Complete transparency and complete honesty should be non-negotiables in R. If he's not giving you both then you're not in R. Most (if not all) WS in an active A will keep their phones very close and rarely (if ever) leave them unattended unless they've taken "precautions" against discovery.

Draw your line in the sand. Tell him your requirements for continuing in the M and see if he steps up to the plate.

[This message edited by Clarrissa at 8:59 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5863 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
hopefullromantic
♀ Member
Member # 16652
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Clarissa 100%.


It's not really a fairy tale 'till the witch is deposed and a few dragons are slain

Posts: 1736 | Registered: Oct 2007
meplusfour
♀ Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do your instincts tell you? Based on what I am reading, it looks like the A has gone underground. Check the phone bill and see who he has been in contact with. WH's total lack of transparency is very telling~something is going on.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 355 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
RedRose
♀ Member
Member # 39584
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the responses. My gut is telling me that the affair hasn't continued - but, the lack of transparency is a huge issue for me. During the affair, his phone was left in plain sight every night. But, he twice left it here at night while he went out, and both times I found texts between the two of them, confirming the affair each time. Because the phone is where most of their contact took place, it is a huge trigger for me, and is something I should have access to whenever I feel the need.


BW-35
WH - 35
2.5 year LTA

Posts: 159 | Registered: Jun 2013
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I think he is still cheating and he scrubbed the phone before he gave it to you. Sorry. But it is pretty typical behavior.

He should be leaving the phone out all the time. Cheaters don't get to keep secrets. And anything he is saying to his friends should be open to you.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6311 | Registered: Jan 2011
StixNstones
♀ Member
Member # 37458
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been through 4 ddays. The fact that he won't leave the phone out for you to feel "safe" and so you "wont" trigger, is a huge red flag!

If he cared about R he "will" do whatever "you need" to feel safe! Regardless of a job, or whatever.

I wish I could go back in time and be more demanding of my WH.....it would have saved me 3ddays.

I would honestly tell him that you want that phone where you can access it whenever you want. And if he has a million excuses why the phone needs to stay in his vehicle, than you have your answer...he's hiding "something".

I'm sorry, hang in there.


BS (Me): 37
WH: 40

Dday: March 2011 (found out EA Phone records)
2nd Dday: June 18, 2011 (OW told me about WH secret phone)
3rd Dday: December 13, 2012 (found evidence WH stalking Ow on FB)
4th Dday: February 4, 2013 (confession of 2nd secret


Posts: 99 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: East Coast
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would tell him the phone has to be out in clear sight. Part of R, if he doesn't like it I would start to really consider the 180.

I would also install a keylogger, gps and occasional VAR, but that is me and I don't trust my WH.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 4:14 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I could go back in time and be more demanding of my WH.....it would have saved me 3ddays.

Same here


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Topic Posts: 9

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