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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What if the WH never gets all the way over the ow?
CLRhope4her
♀ Member
Member # 37243
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our one year antiversary is in two weeks. We've been happier in the last month than we've been since D-Day. So, imagine my surprise when he confesses he's missed the OW/ex-BFF lately.

There's been no contact, he hasn't had feelings of wishing he can contact her or that he has made the wrong choice (or so he says). He says he just misses her. And, he wonders if it wasn't real love then why can't he get 100% over her?

Not only am I obviously upset that he's had these 'missing' thoughts, but once a week I have asked if he's had any thoughts of her, any feelings we need to work out. Bottling up feelings and thoughts leads to idealization it seems. All this time he has told me no. He lied.

He says the lie was to protect my feelings. The guilt from missing her is overwhelming and he can't stop it or he would. He promises he loves me and wants to continue with our R.

What if he never really truly let's go? Has anyone else had this problem? WS's are free to give advice or insight.


BW- Me 35 & WH- Him 38
OW- My BFF for 25 years
DDay- 6/28/12 Final truth- 7/28/12
“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.”

Posts: 177 | Registered: Oct 2012
huRtZ413
♀ Member
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh man I am so sorry .... I must truly hurt . It sux he lied but he did stop with NC and it must have been really hard to tell you but he did that's a step in the direction of being open with you at least you know , doesn't make it less painful. I don't have much advice but I have read a bit on it " its called a withdraw" and what keeps you guys safe is being able to come to each other and say I'm having these feeling I shouldn't be having ...( a chance to address it I guess) he doesn't love her ! But there might be something about what he felt he got from it that's missing idk .....just a guess either way its up to you keep strong



me_BW
him_WH


I'M ON THE FENCE



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh honey.... more seasoned people will be along to give you better advice but...
a year later? he must be breaking some sort of mental NC or actual NC to have these feelings....
speaking as someone who is more than a year out, I'd let him go. It WASN'T really love, you know that. Let him figure that out for himself. If he's this far along and is still like this, he isn't working hard enough. Truly.
You deserve better.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5040 | Registered: Dec 2010
SecondHelping
♂ Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, funny you should comment on this. I just left my IC and we discussed this two exact items.

He asked "do you think she still has feeling for him". I said, she said no, but I'm not so sure. We talked a lot abou that and basically he says it's un-human for someone to have a relationship with someone and then to NOT have some feelings for them. We discussed some scenarios and I believe that fWW does still have (had after D-Day) some feelings for OM. Yes, it pisses me off, but I believe she's not telling me all the truth.

Also, twice since D-Day fWW witheld information that when withheld made her look guilty (and she was) but she chose to not tell me because "she didn't know how I would react". Well, the lying is worse than the actions you tried to cover up!

Sorry CLRhope he said this. We all wish they could think badly and/or never think of them again, but I don't think that can really ever happen. I think they just tell us what we want to hear.


D-Day 1: Feb 1990 (2 yrs into M, kissing and a hickey)
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49- Me, fWW 43- Her (Amibroken)
OP- Deputy Chief of Police from the town next to us! (Age 37)
Married 25 Years, Together 28
3 Kids (17, 14, 11)

Posts: 487 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I couldn't do it. I'd call it.

It would lead me to believe he's not doing the proper work on himself. This is a person who assisted in destroying the person he loved. She loaded the gun he shot you with. And he still has feelings?

Nope. I'm out. I won't live that way.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6484 | Registered: Jan 2011
Lucky
♀ Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As long as there are feelings for AP there is no R.

Absolutely can't work on R and be pining away for someone else, or have any sort of feelings for someone else. At All. Ever.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope. I'm out. I won't live that way.

I'm with Rebreather on this one. If my WH were to say something like that to me he would be on the couch and I would be 180'ing him all the way to court.

Ef that!!! After a year?!?!? No no no you deserve waaay better than this, way better!


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Kierst13
♀ Member
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So many have already said what I felt as I read your post. You are not in true R and he is not giving you the respect and love you deserve.

If he isn't "over" her, you need to 180 and get "over" him. A year later? Oh HELL to the NO!


Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
Knowing
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want to add, is it possible that your WS is confused between missing the excitement, feelings and "drama" around the A, with missing the AP?

In the end an A isn't about the AP, it's about the feelings, validation, and excitement, etc... The AP could be anyone. The A starts in the WS' mind with the lies they tell themselves.

Is he in IC? If so, more digging is needed.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
CLRhope4her
♀ Member
Member # 37243
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe that's 99% of it. I think the other 1% is that 'closure' crap. He never got to ask his questions or say goodbye. He misses the glamour. He says when he rationalizes it all out he sees it and knows he shouldn't miss her. And he can't even say what he does miss. I really believe he misses the rainbows and butterflies. Easier than dealing with the tornado and gnats.


BW- Me 35 & WH- Him 38
OW- My BFF for 25 years
DDay- 6/28/12 Final truth- 7/28/12
“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.”

Posts: 177 | Registered: Oct 2012
Knowing
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 6:00 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not surprised. The question to him then is "How does he bring some of those feelings into reality with you?"

What is he doing to bring romance and excitement into your lives together? Has he read The 5 Love Languages or done the online quiz? There's an immense amount of satisfaction and a certain thrill in getting your love/emotional needs met by your spouse, and a great thrill in doing that for your partner.

Do you ever go on dates? Romantic weekends? Do you have shared interests? Hobbies? There are so many ways you can satisfy eachother's emotional/love needs. It's much more satisfying too than running off to fuck someone else, because there's none of the guilt, shame, deceit and fallout.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CLR,

((Hugs)))

At a year out, I don't think anyone should be having 'missing' feelings like he is describing, not if there is true NC. That is NC mentally too.

Think about it. I haven't done the 180, but for the people who have, they are able to detach in a decent amount of time and it happens faster than you would think.

So I guess my question would be... Are you sure there is NC? If you are, I don't think he has gone mental NC. He still idealizes what happened. (You might be afraid to find out for sure, but you cannot fix what you do not know. )

I also agree with Knowing. What has he done to get that magic back with you? It takes work and it doesn't 'just happen'. Often our M's are not in the best states when A's go down, it takes alot of work to get back to it. KWIM? You do need to go on dates, meet eachother's needs, connect, etc...

Don't sweep this one under the carpet.


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1495 | Registered: Jun 2012
itainteasy
♀ Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At a year out, I don't think anyone should be having 'missing' feelings like he is describing, not if there is true NC. That is NC mentally too.

This. I was just going to say this. NC applies to thoughts and feelings too.

I think he needs to do a lot more work.

I hate it when people say that they can't help their feelings. Yes, you can. When you think you still think fondly of someone who tried to destroy your family, the very least you can do is picture a giant red STOP sign, and redirect the feelings towards the marriage.

Or for every pleasant thought, he should remind himself of your pain. He has got to associate her with pain. He can't continue to associate her with fondness.


Posts: 3396 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
ErinHa
♀ Member
Member # 10138
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is definitely worth getting out in counseling and digging more, I agree with Knowing.

He is trying to be honest about his feelings as much as they hurt...as we've all said the lies and covering are worse sometimes that what they are covering up.

We cannot really control the thoughts of others, we cannot really know what is going on in someone else's mind. The fact that he told you would lead me to believe that he is trying to figure it out himself...this would give me some hope...

And he likely misses the glamour and ease of the A...the no real strings attached and all the good fun stuff.

Give it some time and see how you feel. I personally don't think it's worth giving up on R if all else is going well. But in the end, if it causes you more pain than it's worth, I would consider separating.

Just my 2 cents.


ME--BS 46years old
HIM--WS 48 years old
3 Kids--DS11, DS13, DD15
Married 13 years, together 15 years
1st Dday 6/7/04
2nd Dday 3/13/06
From 2006 on too many to count (gave up)

Divorcing


Posts: 799 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Happy, peaceful
25yearslater
♀ Member
Member # 32806
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry that you had to hear that. My WH said the same thing and I found out later that the A went underground. MOW had moved out of state but EA continued. Fast forward 1.5 years from discovery of false R - WH is doing real work. He did miss the 'unicorns farting rainbows' stuff. NC means NC. I suggest more work for him on what true NC means. It took my WH time and space to really see the A for what it was.


me: 50 yrs old BW
him: 50 yrs old WH
Together: 33 years
Married: 28 years (?)
2 teenagers that we love dearly!
DDay: November 2010
DDay #2: July 30, 2011 found out restarted EA with same MOW (ended before I found out)
DDay #3 & #4: 11/26/11
D

Posts: 118 | Registered: Jul 2011
Bobbi_sue
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would kick him out. Right. Now.

For me, remorse is what is needed for R, and I just don't believe somebody who expresses "missing" what they had with the AP a year later is very remorseful.

If he has been able to lie to you for months, almost a year about having any feelings for her, he will likely continue to do that.


Posts: 5744 | Registered: Apr 2006
Topic Posts: 16

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