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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Dealing with the fact he's not over her yet
learningtofeel
♀ Member
Member # 39543
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS is honest about the fact that he is not yet completely over the OW. The affair lasted four years, to varying degrees, but he was emailing her his undying love the day I found out. He has since recanted that and says he is committed to our work together. He is doing the things that I have seen on other posts in an effort to reconcile and not rugsweep. But sometimes it's two steps forward and one step back.

So here is what I need your help with: Every once in a while (yesterday, for example) something happens that is a trigger for him towards her. The feelings surge for him. We call it the "fish flopping on the shore" before it dies. The fish is out of the water and it is dying, and there were many flops at first, and now less, but still some.

Yesterday he saw a photo on FB posted by another friend and she was in the picture (this was an accident - we thought we had unfriended all connected people). He headed down a bad path and started to lie to me about his continuing feelings for her, but later told me the truth and told me he had lied earlier in the day.

I end up being triggered too and feel utter despair at the thought of the past four years of their experience together, alongside the new lie.

I know it's normal for him to be going through this withdrawal, and he is generally open with me about it, which is wonderful. But it still hurts like hell and makes me angry all over again.

How do I deal with the pain of watching him feel resurgences of emotion towards her? He was really proud of himself for being honest with me after starting to lie again, but all I could see was that he started to lie again before he told the truth.

We are 9 weeks out, but today I feel like it was just yesterday.


M 1989
3 young adult kids
D-Day 4.13.13
WS (him): 7 OW over 15 years
BS (me): had no clue

Posts: 99 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Sad  Posted: 4:28 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Learning

(((hugs)))

This has to be incredibly painful for you to hear this from your husband.

I hope that he is in IC. He needs to come to terms with why he chose to cheat in the first place. What allowed him to put this other woman above you and your marriage.

The affair was not based on reality so he is romanticizing the feelings he had while in the affair fog. It was an escape from reality, fun, exciting.

Does he miss her or the feelings the affair provided? There is a difference.

Of course you triggered. I don't know if it is good that he tells you he misses her if you two are truly trying to make things work. I am all for honesty but sometimes he needs to bite his lip as your need to feel safe and secure are more important than his missing the OW.

It is still very raw and new for you. 9 weeks isn't very long although it certainly feels like it is.

On average it takes 2 - 5 years to heal.

Please please please have him get into IC if he isn't already and I suggest it for you too. You need help and support to navigate these waters.

Is the OW also married? If so her spouse needs to be told.

Also, I am hoping there was a very strong NC message sent to her.

Your husband needs to let her go and focus on you.

Keep moving. You will be okay. I promise.

Sending hugs


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1187 | Registered: Apr 2013
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is the hardest thing to accept and handle, being a part of this experience. It can be devastating in your long term recovery if he incorporates you too much into this process. I strongly suggest you tell him, "tell me when you have no remaining feelings for her, or hate her, or feel indifferent. Until that time, keep it to yourself."

I say this because watching your spouse fall out of love with another person is a soul destroyer. Protect yourself. Do NOT help him through this by being supportive of his pain. He devastated you. He doesn't get to have you help him get over her. No way. No how.

If he doesn't come to you in a pretty short amount of time, you know he is not doing the work of mental No Contact, and things need to be addressed. But don't wait too long for him to work through this. If he is really doing the work, he should move through this phase quickly and reach disgust.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to start pointing out to your WH what a bottomdweller his OW is. Point out that people with integrity wouldn't do what she has done. Good people don't do what she has done.

A FRIEND would not encourage another friend to cheat on their spouse or to lie or to be devious. Someone who truly loves him would never encourage him to throw his integrity, self-esteem and reputation out the window.

Point out to him the fact that SHE is a liar, just like he has become. Why in the world would he trust her? Think about it.

If she was willing to be deceitful to you, chances are she was lying to him also. Ask him what made him so special that she wouldn't lie to him? Does he think he has a magical penis that would prevent her from lying to him also?

And no doubt he lied to her. He knows that. Does he think she didn't do the same to him?

Demand he go get tested for STDs because if she would sleep with him, she has no impulse control and who knows what she slept with.

March him down to Planned Parenthood and make him get a full panel. Make him go back and get the results and bring a copy to you. Then make him go back again for rechecks when the recommend.

Get the idea? Pop that lala land bubble he is still floating around in. Make him look at the relationship for what it really was: 2 broken people sneaking around for pump & dumps to stroke their egos and convincing each other it is "love" to justify how low they are behaving.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 893 | Registered: Jun 2012
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Get the idea? Pop that lala land bubble he is still floating around in. Make him look at the relationship for what it really was: 2 broken people sneaking around for pump & dumps to stroke their egos and convincing each other it is "love" to justify how low they are behaving.

This^^^^^^^^^ in spades.

He's wallowing in clinging to some bullshit romantic fantasy land that, in reality, was a lie-filled sewer.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3629 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's wallowing in clinging to some bullshit romantic fantasy land that, in reality, was a lie-filled sewer.

That is the best description of these nasty trysts I've read in a while!

TOUCHÉ'


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is incredibly painful for the BS. I think many of us experience on some level.
It takes time to break the habit of the A. Getting used to not communicating with the AP, not seeing them, and switching focus back to their spouse. I know this is why the NC was broken so many times at the beginning of our R.

He needs to know that it hurts you tremendously when he shares this with you. That your responses are going to be less than helpful to him.

I can't tell you how good it feels when the day comes, and he has bad feeling for, or even better NO feeling for the OW.

(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8698 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. Leave him. He can be "not over her" all he wants. That's just insane. That's probably even more hurtful than having an affair in the first place.

I'm really serious. At least sleep in another bedroom and do a hard 180. I'd give him the "I care enough about you to want you to be happy and let you go" speech. That's just completely asinine.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
ifinallyfoundme
♀ Member
Member # 39523
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Get the idea? Pop that lala land bubble he is still floating around in. Make him look at the relationship for what it really was: 2 broken people sneaking around for pump & dumps to stroke their egos and convincing each other it is "love" to justify how low they are behaving.

and

He's wallowing in clinging to some bullshit romantic fantasy land that, in reality, was a lie-filled sewer

I wholeheartedly agree. My WS talked about how nice she was to him, took interest in his job and listened to him..his feelings, yada,yada,yada
Well the woman was married to a man who had the mind of a child, I hope I won't offend by using the word retarded. I don't know if he was born that way or became that way due to an illness or accident. This woman was despicable. WS claims not to know this, but I've told him that's some UGLY cowardly cheating!

In her letters to my WS she was constantly pumping him to pay for things and too many notes about his personal finances.
When I found out about her 2 bankruptcy filings by accident I passed that info on to him and he was genuinely floored.

It was at that point he started to realized he was being manipulated as well. He doesn't say it but feels like a straight up fool. I could hear that bubble pop for miles.

Nine weeks isn't very long. My WS was cheating with her for 6 years.

He now has to play catch-up and repair the damage done to his family, reputation and finances.
Six years of an affair and at least 6 years to repair. That's 12 years wasted.

[This message edited by ifinallyfoundme at 9:40 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 180 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agree with all of this.

You need to say...if you miss her then go be with her. I love you enough to let you go. If you choose to stay here you will have to learn to understand that I am more important than she is and your missing her is preventing us from moving forward and is extremely hurtful to me. I come first.

I can't tell you how good it feels when the day comes, and he has bad feeling for, or even better NO feeling for the OW.

BINGO. The day my husband said he hated her and all of their lies was a break through day to reconciliation. He has since realized how sick, twisted and manipulating they both were. He despises her and that helps me in moving forward.

Don't be nice to him about this. It is almost like you are condoning the affair by understanding.

You are worth more than 2nd place.

Stay strong.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1187 | Registered: Apr 2013
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

learningtofeel, I am a little worried for you.

Your WH has been cheating for 15 years of your marriage, has just been caught by you and that wasn't a big enough shock to jar him out of his fantasy world.

Your WH has lead a life of wayward behavior where he was constantly seeking inappropriate relationships.

He has to hit a point where he finds his behavior disgusting enough to want to NEVER BE THAT PERSON AGAIN.

His behaviors have been established over his life time (I am going to guess he is at least in his 40's). They won't change over night, but the DESIRE to change does.

It's an epiphany. It's when they have a paradigm shift in their brain and in the way they think and realize "Dear lord, how could I have behaved that way?" It has to be that strong of a reaction in order to have the motivation to continue to work on changing.

I am not convinced your WH has hit that spot if he is still moping for OW.

I am going to guess that his motivation right now is to try to behave in a way that will keep you happy because he doesn't want to lose you.

Ideally his motivation should be that HE doesn't want to be THAT person any more.

He has a LOT of work to do to change. Part of that work is that it must become an INTERNAL drive and not an EXTERNAL one. That is part of his issues. He probably places his self worth on EXTERNAL validations. He needs to develop that INTERNAL sense of self-worth.

I hope he is in IC and if he is, I hope it is by his own choice and not because it was a condition of R.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 893 | Registered: Jun 2012
Topic Posts: 11

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