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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Don't want to rugsweep, but...
pewpewpew
♀ Member
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm SO tired of talking about the A. I want to move on.
Sure I have days where it consumes my whole day and I address it with WH. I have triggers and address those as well.
How often at a year out do you still talk about the A?
I have been called a rugsweeper but I don't believe I am.
We talk. We are in MC/IC. We are actually healing.
I believe in my heart this will not happen again. But I am also someone who believed my WH was incapable of hurting me this way.


ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.


Posts: 310 | Registered: Jan 2013
doesitgetbetter
♀ Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rugsweeping isn't just a term used to describe the lack of talking about it. It's also a term used to describe when you never know the actual truth, and you are ok with never really knowing the truth. The reason that I mentioned that you are rugsweeping is because you have stated yourself that you don't know if it was an EA, PA, what did or didn't happen, and your WH has never confessed to anything so he likely hasn't done any work on himself. So in that respect, that is how you are rugsweeping. What DID happen is still a big secret, you still don't even know what you're facing, but you are working on fixing it? What exactly are you working on if you don't know what happened?


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Wink  Posted: 5:19 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I completely understand as I was so sick of talking about the affair, obsessing over the details, figuring out the who, the what the where, and looking for signs, etc. that I finally said ENOUGH.

I know enough. I know what happened and I have set boundaries that I will keep. NC and if it happens again...goodbye.

But I 180'd the affair for the most part. It is not worth my time or energy anymore. It sucked me emotionally dry.

IMO, I don't think you ever trust 100% again but that may be a good thing. Radar is up.

We still talk occasionally about how he was feeling during the affair or how far we have come but we rarely talk about the affair.

It's 19 months post DDay. MC/IC and WWME. We have discussed it to death.

If you are ready to move on then move on.

Good luck.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Apr 2013
Lucky
♀ Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Giving yourself a break from affair talk is certainly not rug sweeping.

Be glad that you are healed enough you feel you can step back and away from it.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
pewpewpew
♀ Member
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. Yes it was an A. We've established that.
I feel the only way I will ever know more is if he confessed - which by now, will not happen.

What went on is definitely an EA if not PA. I've handled it as if it were PA/EA. I'm not putting on blinders and I choose to address my feelings as they come.

I know a married spouse does not interact with another COW as the way my WH did. I'm not dumb. I know there is more to our story.
As far as getting that info - I'm in limbo.


ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.


Posts: 310 | Registered: Jan 2013
RockyMtn
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If a BS really doesn't WANT to know all the details, so be it. If you WANT to know them and he's not giving you anything...or your gut tells you he isn't telling you the truth (which it sounds like). Then, yes, I think moving on is rugsweeping. Because you're essentially saying, "WH, this is what I need for my healing. I need full honesty. Oh? YOu don't want to give it? OK, then I'll just forget my needs and we'll keep on keepin' on as if you're not shitting on my needs in favor of your own." That is pretty much the definition of rugsweeping - protecting the WS from the tru nature of their bad deeds and allowing the marriage to continue in a state of denial. Sure, rugsweeping has benefits for the BS - as you say, you don't have to think about the A anymore. And you get to keep your marriage. But at what cost?

I'm just struggling to understand how healing is occurring if he's still lying to you? How is trust being rebuilt if a lie is continuing? That's for you to decide. Maybe you can trust him so long as he doesn't lie about other things besides the A? Without trust, there is no intimacy. I can't grasp how this marriage could grow to be intimate and full of trust if he's lying and denying you the truth.

I applaud your realism. It sounds like you know he isn't capable of confession. I think there is a lot to be said about accepting who someone is and what they are capable of instead of wishing/hoping for something else for months/years on end. And so you have to decide what that means for you and it sounds like that's what you're doing here. If him continuing to lie isn't a dealbreaker...then, so be it.

ETA: I realize I don't know your story, so I kind of spewed a lot that might not apply. Sorry for that, but I'll leave my response because I still think there could be truth to it.

[This message edited by RockyMtn at 8:56 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how do you know what you are forgiving if you dont know the truth about the affair...and he wont tell you? what exactly are you moving on from?

you know what i mean?

i did this too though....so you are not alone. when i found a dirty text in my wh phone...he told me it was just sexting. when i asked for phone records, he said no...and left the house to stay with his brother. i knew he wanted to work it out, but didnt want to give me access to those records which would rveal the true extent of the affair....which was that it was way more than sexting.

he even came back with "well, why dont i just get a new phone and we can start from scratch...start knew...stop talkng about the affiar, and put this whole thing behind us...a new beginning!"

i told him to go to hell...and that i wouldnt entertain r without phone access and the full truth.

and i meant it...ready to divorce him over it.

eventually, he gave up the phone records and it revealed he had been a cheating bastard for a long time.

but i had the truth...and could decide if i waned to "move forward" based on that..not what HE decided i needed to heal from...you know what i mean?

but i was tempted...i sure was. i just wanted to "let it go" without having the truth...and i was never happy with it. maybe for a little while...but down the road....i always knew that there was something else....something really bad...too bad for him to "confess" and it would only bring me more grief not knowing.

and believe me...you will NOT be able to let it go...let alone forgive him when you dont know what happend...and the fact that he REFUSES to tell you will only make it worse.

now, knowing the details of the sexual postions may not be necessary...although some people on SI need to know it all...i understand that too....or even knowing if he cheated with 4 or 5 people....it is all bad....but not knowing the truth about the affair because HE wont tell you the turth itself is rugsweeping.....make no mistake about it.

there is no "moving on" past that.

you say you have talk it to death...but honestly, him not telling you the truth means that you are at square ONE.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bi

Posts: 934 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
Topic Posts: 7

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