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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Time to talk but I am speechless
hopeful18
♀ Member
Member # 19234
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I had a second Dday after five years in R about two months ago. Wh was in a fog for first two weeks and now could not be more remorseful. I thought he was five years ago but now I see the difference between regret and remorse.
Ok, so when it rains it pours and I have had a lot of things to deal with non A related. Therefore even though we have been going to mc I have had very little time to talk about A.
In the meantime he has been obsessed with phantom stds and is scared to infect me. We both have had negative tests. Mc is working with him on this in ic.
So now other things have settled down somewhat in other areas of life. We need to talk. I said in mc today I just feel at a loss of where to start. We have two weeks alone next week without kids. I want to enjoy our time but feel if we don't talk soon I am rug sweeping.
Where to begin? Why is this hard this time? Last time I had no problem talking. He is willing and wanting to talk and I am just at a loss about why I can't.
Any advice?

Posts: 227 | Registered: Apr 2008
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe he should do the talking. You did it last time and he repeated his ways. Now, it is on him.

So maybe sit down, tell him he has the floor, and then sit there.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6306 | Registered: Jan 2011
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So maybe sit down, tell him he has the floor, and then sit there.

I would bring a bag of popcorn and a soda pop - offer them to him.

For myself I would have a cooler full of beer and my feet up saying, "impress me."

IMO - You don't need to do shit.

I am sorry your here again. take care of yourself.



Posts: 1415 | Registered: Jan 2012
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the meantime he has been obsessed with phantom stds and is scared to infect me. We both have had negative tests. Mc is working with him on this in ic.

Lord. Sorry, I have BTDT. That's how I caught him the second time he was physical with someone else - he was googling about STDs and how likely you were to get them when doing various high-school type messing around things (that's how I knew he didn't have sex with her).

It's really annoying when they do something that is statistically VERY likely to kill a marriage but they focus on phantom STDs which, according to the negative test, they statistically VERY likely do NOT have.

IMO - You don't need to do shit.

Yep.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 3:53 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6556 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. Bring snacks. Excellent.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6306 | Registered: Jan 2011
hopeful18
♀ Member
Member # 19234
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After reading these responses I think I realize that talking with me leading the convo could be a trigger for me. I spent so long last time being the talker. Maybe you are all right I should just listen and see where it goes. I will have time to digest and ask questions as we go on.

Posts: 227 | Registered: Apr 2008
Want To Wake Up
♀ Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Hopeful))) are you still seeing the MC that said this (from your profile)>>> "My MC said I should celebrate this crisis because it will allow us to build a better marriage."?

'Cos between you and me, I'd be shopping around for a new MC after making them eat their words or asking if this is the "better marriage" she had in mind for you to be building... one were one spouse continues to cheat and the other gets to put up with it?

If this person is still his IC I can understand why he's done it again, not enough soul searching going on IMHO


now I see the difference between regret and remorse.

I'd be interested to know why you feel it's remorse this time and not just regret. I feel plenty of regret from my WH but still don't feel I'm getting the remorse I crave for. It stills feels like he regrets getting caught more than he regrets the actions IYKWIM


Me 50+
WH 50+ (SlowUptake)
DDay '09
Latest TT... Nov '13 (not a typo!)


One man’s “fruitless conflict” is another man’s “meaningful discussion”


Posts: 469 | Registered: Mar 2011
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hopeful

I think you are numb. You have been to this rodeo before so what's left to be said?

I was so sick of talking about it, obsessing about it, thinking about it that I 180 the affair. I don't have the energy to care about it anymore.


So maybe sit down, tell him he has the floor, and then sit there.

I would bring a bag of popcorn and a soda pop - offer them to him.

For myself I would have a cooler full of beer and my feet up saying, "impress me."

Love it. Spot on.

What makes you want to stay this time? He has to know how much he has hurt you before yet he chose to do this again?

Be careful and weary of another false R. You weren't R if he chose to cheat again.

"My MC said I should celebrate this crisis because it will allow us to build a better marriage."?

This is complete bullshit. If I read that one more place post DDay, I swear I was going to punch someone. There are a lot of other ways to improve a marriage rather than an affair. That is a cop out and cowardly. I agree, time for new MC.

I hope you know that you deserve honesty and truth. Be strong for yourself.

Good luck.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1099 | Registered: Apr 2013
loveisareddress
♀ Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For myself I would have a cooler full of beer and my feet up saying, "impress me."

IMO - You don't need to do shit.

Agreed.


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


Posts: 442 | Registered: Aug 2012
IRN2006
♀ Member
Member # 23717
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe you don't want to talk because your boundaries have been crossed in such a way that they can't be repaired.

I get like this with a family when they cross boundaries and don't seem to care or own their behavior. There's nothing for me to say.

My DH is a recovering SA. He knows if he relapses, that's it. I file the next day. There's no talking about it. I absolutely will not deal with another recovery. It's a pretty firm boundary for me, and there's no reason for me to listen to my husband if he decides to soul search/redouble his recovery efforts. I mean, it is great if he does that. I just have no desire to hear about it, because the irreparable damage will have been done.

[This message edited by IRN2006 at 6:29 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 1295 | Registered: Apr 2009
hopeful18
♀ Member
Member # 19234
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went back to read my profile as it was written a long time ago. My mc is actually really good. If I recall he said that as a best case scenario. He has always held wh accountable and never treats it lightly.

Posts: 227 | Registered: Apr 2008
Want To Wake Up
♀ Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 1:15 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

**Phew** That's good to hear Hopeful


Me 50+
WH 50+ (SlowUptake)
DDay '09
Latest TT... Nov '13 (not a typo!)


One man’s “fruitless conflict” is another man’s “meaningful discussion”


Posts: 469 | Registered: Mar 2011
OnAnIsland
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 1:25 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bringing a bottle of wine myself and letting him explain himself. You don't need to carry him or do this work for him. You didn't need to last time either, but now you see how far it got you.

ETA- you can't do this work of him

Take good care of yourself in the midst of all of this.

[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 1:25 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)]


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1477 | Registered: Dec 2011
Topic Posts: 13

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