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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: MC & resentment, anger, hurt
Blameitontherain
♀ Member
Member # 37476
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yesterday we had MC. I brought up that when I trigger bad, it brings up over ten years of our marriage history together where i feel used, hurt, angry, resentment, etc. I was basically a doormat, not anymore. WH only started doing his side of being a loving, caring, selfless, family oriented man as of this February. He hasn't done it perfect and there have been hiccups along the way.

Mc said that he thinks there may be something in my past that is helping my triggers become meltdowns, that it would be worth exploring in IC. I am willing to give it a try BUT I am skeptical. No one is perfect, I know I come with some baggage. I do not believe my triggers where I pull in marital history are rooted in childhood stuff. I think it is just my WH treated me like shit for over ten years, I allowed it or thought I didn't deserve better, he cheated, and now I am looking at the shit storm and have triggers when his behaviors mirror the same old behaviors where I was a doormat. When I trigger bad, it is 99% due to WH having an attitude or trying to tell me why something shouldn't trigger me, that I am making a bigger deal out of it, he gets a condescending tone. It is basically throwing gas onto the fire and KABOOM!

I think this MC has no clue what our history is and that everything has been great up until the cheating. I am going in by myself next week. I don't want to "tattle" on WH but the counselor does not know our history, just about the cheating. I am just confused. I am not sure what I am even asking. Do I let mc/IC lead the way? Or do I go into on full blown, you have no idea what our history is and why I have anger, resentment, hurt, etc. here is why I have triggers...

[This message edited by Blameitontherain at 1:25 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 273 | Registered: Nov 2012
Lucky
♀ Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is your MC experienced in infidelity? Because what you are describing sounds like PTSD. It's not uncommon to develop it after learning of this horrific trauma..


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
Blameitontherain
♀ Member
Member # 37476
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes he does. Military town, lots of soldiers and spouses who can't keep it in their pants. I don't know if he has any PTSD training but surely he would recognize it if I am that??? The center we go to specializes in soldiers with PTSD...

I am just unsure of where this will lead. I think all of our sessions up until now have been putting band aids on the marriage. WH is remorseful and trying to help, etc. we haven't dug into any harder stuff, just us communicating better and supporting each other

[This message edited by Blameitontherain at 1:32 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 273 | Registered: Nov 2012
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it is just my WH treated me like shit for over ten years, I allowed it or thought I didn't deserve better, he cheated, and now I am looking at the shit storm and have triggers when his behaviors mirror the same old behaviors where I was a doormat.

While an A alone can surely trigger these horrible episodes, add in a WH that doesn't quite "get it" yet (as it sounds yours is kinda close but not yet totally there), yeah, it's to be expected. BUT - I honestly would consider questioning WHY you let yourself be a doormat? WHY did you not feel you deserved better? These attitudes are sadly learned somewhere :-(

The trauma of an A can open floodgates of crap we didn't even know was an issue from childhood.

(((HUGS)))


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 739 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
Blameitontherain
♀ Member
Member # 37476
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sodamnlost I have only recognized in the last year or so (pre dday) that I was a doormat. I always believed by WH would grow up and get out of his selfish ways with age. We married at 19, baby arrived a year later, deployments, moving, etc. he never grew up and I wanted him to be happy. I always thought he had more of a selfish side but blamed it on immaturity. I used excuses like well he may do xyz, but he loves me, is committed, and a hard worker.... there are worse things he could be doing like drugs, cheating, partying, alcoholic, etc. .I bargained for scraps while he ate like a king. I rationalized his behavior of it could be worse.

I saw my mom bargain. She was a single mum. Men used her, she put up with shit because she wanted to have a man her life. Now I am finding out she was co dependent but has gone through therapy and isn't anymore. It took years but she is finally "good".

I also grew up with a chronically ill sibling, I saw how much that wore down my single mum. It was years of treatments, and new conditions that would emerge. In my head, I decided to be the good one. I made sure I didn't break rules, got good grades, didn't complain, etc. I people pleased her from the age of 6 until I moved out. So basically I shut up and plastered a smile on my face no matter what. Seems like I did the same with my marriage.


Posts: 273 | Registered: Nov 2012
Lucky
♀ Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I saw my mom bargain.


You truly are a product of your environment. No matter how hard one trys we often repeat what we know. IC may not be a bad idea, however, I don't think all of your triggers and meltdowns are due to FOO issues, triggers and meltdowns are typical for years after infidelity. That's why the saying "two to five years to recover" is frequently used. Because that's a real expectation.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
Blameitontherain
♀ Member
Member # 37476
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I realize this isn't counseling but here is a question. I know where I came from, why I was a door mat, people pleaser, etc. I know it plays a role in the way I have allowed myself to be treated in the marriage. Is knowing all this going to stop my triggers or feeling hurt from the martial history we have? Because I still hurt over it even though I recgnize it.

Would the flip side of it being WH getting to why he was able to treat me this way? Would I begin to not pull the history into triggers if he owned his half of the problems?

[This message edited by Blameitontherain at 2:35 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 273 | Registered: Nov 2012
Lucky
♀ Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know it plays a role in the way I have allowed myself to be treated in the marriage. Is knowing all this going to stop my triggers or feeling hurt from the martial history we have? Because I still hurt over it even though I recgnize it.

Recognizing how you allowed yourself to be treated will cause triggers because you are going to get good and damned mad about it. And that's ok! Really. I'm a lot of years out (almost 9) and in the beginning I was furious over the past things that happened in our marriage (20 years-then), be it things I did, he did, how I handled things, how he handled things, things we didn't do... it all takes time, so please be patient and time to yourself.


.

Would the flip side of it being WH getting to why he was able to treat me this way? Would I begin to not pull the history into triggers if he owned his half of the problems?

Your triggers have to be addressed. Each one has it's own source, or life form, if you will. He needs to understand your triggers and address his own too. Yes, he will have some too. And together you need to talk them out, soothe each other, comfort each other & be a safe place to land.

[This message edited by Lucky at 3:21 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
Blameitontherain
♀ Member
Member # 37476
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Lucky and sodamnlost. Today has been me stewing over my marriage. I want to take big leaps through this even though I know you can't rush the healing. I want everything now and I think I may set up my WH for failure in my mind because my expectations are huge. Not excusing him in how he reacts to triggers and what not, but we have had this dysfunctional dance for years and it doesn't magically get better because I will it so.

Posts: 273 | Registered: Nov 2012
callmecrazy
♀ Member
Member # 38765
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When it came to my MC and IC, the IC only worked when 100% was out there. You arent telling to get him in trouble...you are sorting things that happened to you that hurt you to try and get better and make sense of things.

Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2013
Knowing
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am just unsure of where this will lead. I think all of our sessions up until now have been putting band aids on the marriage. WH is remorseful and trying to help, etc. we haven't dug into any harder stuff, just us communicating better and supporting each other

MC is basically for what you describe. Rarely will MC help resolve marital issues, but only give you the communication tools to find resolution on your own. IC would help with the other stuff.
You had so many issues in the M and such a complex personal history that those 2 worlds need their own attention.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 11

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