I think what he wants to do is date and fuck other woman to be honest. He doesn't want to be with me or R because he tried that already and we fight. (because he wants to rug sweep and not do the work)so to him it is easier to find someone else.
That does sting alot. Why move on to someone else when I was willing over and over again to R? I asked we do MC and he shut that down, I asked he try to understand my piont and says "sorry I can't know what it feels like because I never been where you are at"? We talk about it and somehow it turns to be my fault even thro he says he is to blame and he will take all the blame and then the next breath, if I would not have done this or that. Or if we would not have been fighting all the time? We were fighting all the time because I knew he was fucking someone else and he kept saying "Just a friend". We were fighting because I was always left at home while he went out with his friends (who I did not know from work and howorker) he would not come home til next morning most times. But, he can't understand this and that I dealt with that for 3.5 years? Or how about all the gifts he brought home, and let our son ride on a bike that OW gave him. Or push a lawn mower she gave him, list goes on and on. Or how about when she came to our home or all the texts she would send me about having to share my WH? And you blamed me for that? It was my fault. Or how about you told me you two would sit and talk about me and try to figure out how I knew things and who was telling me. Or how about when she pulled public recordes on me and lied and I had to prove it was not me but someone with my name? But he can not understand the depths of my hurt? I am/was suppose to let it all go because he said "Sorry".
So it is my fault we didn't work. This is how I feel, that he is blaming me for so much and maybe he can't see that he is.
Well, he can be with whoever. I am finally finally little bit a day seeing who he is and who he never was. I feel sorry for him and pity him because he is losing out on a wonderful wife and a wonderful family he had. I don't feel there is anything left in me to fight for anymore. It is gone and I am trying so hard to let go of who I wanted him to be and who he really is.
When people show you who they are, believe it. Love does not hurt. Yes, people make bad choices but the ones that have remorse for what they did are worth giving a second chance to. The ones that want to rugsweep or walk away for what they did and only see the negitive are not worth the time and that beautiful energy.
I will miss my bestfriend. The old bestfriend. He left a long time ago to never return. The A did something to him, it changed his thinking or maybe it just turned his thinking on about marriage and being faithful, honest and loving. I don't know. But, it is almost like there is no soul there anymore or at least not for me. Scary stuff when you think about it. That someone can switch off and on so quickly.
Leave, file, get away from this heartless monster.
What is wrong with me for even thinking that?
I think sometimes(and I am being honest) when you are emotionally abused it is hard to see things for what is not right. You start to make excuses and sit in denial. You know it is not right but for some reason you take the blame to make things better, you over look them to make them better, you rug sweep things to make them better.
I am starting to see alot of writing on the wall for myself and that I was in a abusive relationship for years. Not just emotional either even though that stopped years ago. But, the emotional was turned up on high. It is Very diffcult to walk away when that is what you know and even through it does not sound right it is comfortable and familar. But you know it is not right.
For me I started noticing things that I never did when we were still together. Being seperated has been a HUGE move for me, one I thought I would never have the strength to do. I was scared and scared of my future alone. But, being on my own now and going through flase R has been eye opening for me in alot of ways. I still have so much future to go but I am getting there.
I notice alot of this is on me. I choose to let him treat me that way, thinking if I did everything in my power he will see me! His loving wife! That never happened. I let my boundrais go away along time ago. And when you try to put them in place with someone like my wh when trying to R it is not going to work because I let him get away with things for to long.
I am gaining my power back and it is scarey for me.
I am a loving soul and alway think of others before myself and that is something I need to change. Not that I can't be that way but I need to learn to say NO!
Always a people pleaser but also wanted to be appericated by him. It is toxic and that I also see.
It hurts to know that he will never see me as others do. It hurts that he never gave us a fair chance with counseling and openness. It hurts that he is always giving half truths and never willing to be open or let me in.
Sometimes, I think we just go about because it is comfortable and change is scary.
I am getting there and with help of SIers I know I will get there. Counseling will be on my list again also. Back to it.
I think he may be seeing someone else again. His attitude towards me reflects how he was when he was in A.
Nothing I can do about it except let go and move on.
Beside all the other stuff he has hurt me with. So a blessing that I am not seeing at the moment.
Sometimes it really takes separation to get those rose-colored glasses off and start really putting things in perspective. I noticed in your post that you are starting to own your part, the way you allowed him to treat you. That's great. You are focusing on you and your actions and your decisions. Keep moving towards that. It does no good to figure out why they say and do all those hurtful things. They try to make us think it's something we are doing wrong, and that's why they treat us that way, but that's just not true! There's not an answer that we can figure out that gives us a solution to change it.. We just have to constantly accept that he's an abusive asshole and try to figure out what our next best moves are, regardless of what he does.
I think you are in the most painful part right now. Just keep walking. It gets better..
I hope this is the worst of the pain. It doesn't hurt like Dday or those 3.5 yrs of having the A in my face, this is different sorta. And maybe the seperation is helping me. I feel rejected and degraded. I feel tossed away and I just don't know how someone can do that to their spouse. I am feeling jealouse also, like something is stabbing me in my chest. I am feeling used!
But, those are my feelings that I have to keep in check and work on. Yes, I see exactly where I went wrong and my part in this treatment. I don't EVER want to be like that again. I was never like this before I met him but than I was only 20 at the time.
Do you ever wonder where it started for you? I mean becoming this type of a woman to let yourself be disrespected? I get so angry at myself for it.
I am in a constant battle with myself on this also. One minute I am happy to be free of all the shit and games. Not having to deal with him and the next I feel sad, hurt and rejected.
What is that? One minute I feel empowered and the next I feel scared?
Is this normal? I hope so. Or is all this going on because my hope for change and true R was destoryed once again?
NC is the way to go. I know that. And after how he treated me on Fathers Day, I can not except that treatment and I won't.
Do you ever wonder where it started for you? I mean becoming this type of a woman to let yourself be disrespected?
I think it was years and years of grooming to get to where we are now. Being made to feel that the treatment was normal, or we were deserving it somehow.. I met my STBX when I was 17 and started dating him at 22, so perhaps my lack of regular relationships as an adult hurt me by not realizing what I had was not normal..
I think it's all the insults and digs and then being made to feel like he was just being "funny." It just became the norm that he would hurt my feelings, and I was supposed to be strong enough to keep taking it, or I was supposed to let it slide because he was just "kidding" or upset or tired or whatever. I think they spend a lot of time setting us up for the abuse. It's a cycle. They can't be mean all the time. They have to hoover also and make us feel like we are so special and they are so special and no one else is like us.. But the truth is that we are all just humans, and we aren't all that special or different after all.. Especially not him. My STBX like to think of himself as so different from everyone else, like no one understands him. Too bad he's just like every other NPD abusive asshole out there..
I would say yes, your WH is NPD. I think that shows in the manipulation and abuse factors and how he doesn't take responsibility for his actions and how he tries to make things your fault by gas lighting you (like on Father's Day).
But you have to remember that because he is NPD, he doesn't care that he is NPD. We can put a label on it, we can read about it and how to handle him and how to minimally respond and get away from him, but just because we can diagnose him doesn't mean there's a treatment. Unless he wants to change, the only answer is to get away from him..
I am in a constant battle with myself on this also. One minute I am happy to be free of all the shit and games. Not having to deal with him and the next I feel sad, hurt and rejected. What is that? One minute I feel empowered and the next I feel scared? Is this normal?
Yep, completely normal. It's definitely a roller coaster. I find when he leaves me alone is when I start feeling better. When he starts texting or calling (even if it seems pleasant), that's when I start to dip again, feeling sad and depressed and weak, etc. Even though he won't get it, just keep standing tall and proud and don't let him tear you down. You are going to have to be strong. It's absolute hell having someone in your ear bringing you down all the time, but we can't change them, we can only change our reaction, which is to ignore and trust ourselves that we know the truth..
Not only do you not have him to lean on anymore, you will start to realize that he's the one trying to pull you down. It's heartbreaking.. I would say continue counseling, keep posting here, reach out to some friends and family maybe you lost touch with. Just keep being you. You get to be whoever you want now, and you even get to make new sides to you! Find some new hobbies, keep building up your self-esteem. They start to go nuts when they realize they don't have control over us anymore. I think the abuse and manipulation gets worse. They try harder to tear us down to get us back under control, so you have to be strong.. Find those parts of you that have nothing to do with him, and nourish and grow them so that they keep getting bigger and overtake and overpower whatever control he had left over you..
It's so hard for our brains to turn the person we loved the most into the enemy, but he is already the enemy. He is the worst kind, betraying us from the inside out, manipulating us from our own home, using all those feelings we expressed to them against us. It's one thing to have someone try to knock our door down and hurt us, then we know to be strong and fight. But when they sweet-talked their way in and we started to care about them in the midst of them hurting us, it's a total mind-fuck. But keep taking off those rose-colored glasses and believe him when he shows you who he really is. You will get stronger the more you realize what has really been going on.. It's definitely tempting to kick ourselves when we start to realize it..
Just keep pushing forward girl. You know you deserve better than the way he has been treating you. Perhaps he can do the work and change one day (which I doubt of course given the NPD and emotional abuse), but the good news is that you get to demand respect from him now. And when he isn't giving you respect, you get to give him the silent treatment and focus on other parts of your life..
"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in." -Cohen
I think it's all the insults and digs and then being made to feel like he was just being "funny." It just became the norm that he would hurt my feelings, and I was supposed to be strong enough to keep taking it, or I was supposed to let it slide because he was just "kidding"
Wow, the insults about being with other woman and knowing he could have a ho do what he wanted. Or "I knew I should have gone out". Or insulting me or telling ppl at partys things we did in private... and say "Damn you can't even take a joke"
It's a cycle. They can't be mean all the time. They have to hoover also and make us feel like we are so special and they are so special and no one else is like us.. But the truth is that we are all just humans, and we aren't all that special or different after all.. Especially not him. My STBX like to think of himself as so different from everyone else, like no one understands him.
This hit the spot^^^^
He always say's we are different, everyone wants to be like us and have what we have. We are different. He also LOVES the fact that no one understands him, no one can get in his head.. it keeps them all guessing...
To bad I saw through him all the time.
It's so hard for our brains to turn the person we loved the most into the enemy, but he is already the enemy. He is the worst kind, betraying us from the inside out, manipulating us from our own home, using all those feelings we expressed to them against us.
But when they sweet-talked their way in and we started to care about them in the midst of them hurting us, it's a total mind-fuck
All the Damn Time ^^^^
He truly feels that I will NEVER be with anyone else EVER.. But he gets to do what he wants. He will hold things against me in that also because I told him I want no one else.. Not with all this baggage. It would not be fair. And right now I don't trust men.. He thought I meant NEVER be with another man.. So he still holds that over my head... That is NPD..
Thank you and I am going to re-read your post to me again because I swear you were married to the same man as mine. Everything you said was on spot!
I was in IC this weekend. I thought about you... LOL... At City High for basketball tourneys.
I saw a great quote recently that said something like "the harder you work the harder it is to surrender".
Sometimes in the midst of fighting for our Ms we lose focus of what exactly it is we are fighting for. Once I saw the 'prize' in all of his hideousness it was relatively easy to let go of the future I thought I was going to have - the future I was never really going to have with that guy.
I too used to feel like he changed - truth is he didn't change at all. He just wore a mask that we both spent a lot of years holding in place when it slipped.
He was always this guy. He was always going to do this. He was always going to cheat on his wife and blow up his family. My girls and I were just damn unlucky to have been his wife and family.
You need to force yourself to go hardcore NC (thought, word and deed). Each time you break it you are picking up the knife he used to try to kill you emotionally and you are stabbing yourself with it.
Realising that I was hurting myself once he was no longer able to shocked me right down to my core. It really kicked started thr detachment/acceptance leg of my healing journey.
I have not been texting about anything other than our DS either. It is hard but I am doing it.