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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Books
jost1125
♀ Member
Member # 38710
Default  Posted: 5:51 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wondering if anyone can give me any insight as to what is in all the books everyone says WS should read and which ones were the most beneficial to you.

Mainly I want to know which were the most beneficial because I am going to order my WBF a couple, but I don't have much money to spend, so I need to make wise choices and get the ones that will help the most.

I'm also just kind of curious what kinds of things are in these books. What does a WS learn from these books?

I have seen Not Just Friends suggested on here a lot, but to me that sounds like it might be about slipping into an A, or working on boundary issues. Things that I am not particularly concerned with at this time-he knows what the boundaries are, he just didn't care for awhile.

How To Help Your Spuose Heel From Your Affair sounds like a good one that I will probably order, any other suggestions?


Me (BGF) 35yr
Him (WBF) 32yr
Children: 14yr (mine)
Dday #1 (admitted to EA) Sept. 29, 2012
Dday #2 (admitted is was PA) Oct. 1, 2012

Posts: 120 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Midwest
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You found the two best books available...get them ASAP. I ready both and they helped me...a BS.

I have read several others...am away from home right now but I will repost the other good ones...I have read a lot!

But I wanted to post here now so that you go ahead and order those two books...by far the best of all I read.

Would be nice if your spouse is open to reading them too...and then discussing them. I don't have that in my home...but could see a real benefit in that activity.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3991 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
jost1125
♀ Member
Member # 38710
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am hoping that my WBF will read the books that I order, which is another reason that I want to make sure I get good ones-he's not much of a reader, so I want it to count.


So, what can I expect to find in these books? I really can't imagine anything besides all the things that I have already read on this site.


Me (BGF) 35yr
Him (WBF) 32yr
Children: 14yr (mine)
Dday #1 (admitted to EA) Sept. 29, 2012
Dday #2 (admitted is was PA) Oct. 1, 2012

Posts: 120 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Midwest
Knowing
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You'll read some similar things that you've read on SI but much more in-depth. The 2 recommended are the best to read in the aftermath of DDay. They will set the stage for both your healing and put you on the right path.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The following are good reads AFTER you read and put into practice what the two books mentioned before detail...that is a MUST before reading the following. I say that because the following books do have some verbiage that speaks to the BS having a role in parts of the marriage before the A that enabled an A to be an option for the WS. They don't BLAME BS for the A...but they do point out how the joint interactions between both spouses led to a need left going unmet.

I personally did NOT care to read about that immediately following my discovery...and even now, 10 months later I still have days that make these tough reads. NOTE: I generally have to read a book twice to really get it...probably linked to my poor listening skills.


Surviving An Affair Dr. Harley and Dr. Chalmers is a good read. I like the detailed examples and feelings that real life couples go through...from both the BS and WS perspective. I am rereading this one now....its helping me take a honest look at myself and work on what I am doing incorrectly...specifically what I am doing that hurts intimacy.

Transcending Post-infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD): The Six Stages of Healing by Dennis Ortman.


I recommend hardback on these books if you can find them...I really think you will want to reread them periodically.

I have read 15-20 books specifically on affairs...these are the best 4 I have come across.

Don't look for a silver bullet here...but you will find inspiration by reading them....even a little bit helps from time to time.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:53 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3991 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
jost1125
♀ Member
Member # 38710
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks a lot, I'm going to order them right now.


Me (BGF) 35yr
Him (WBF) 32yr
Children: 14yr (mine)
Dday #1 (admitted to EA) Sept. 29, 2012
Dday #2 (admitted is was PA) Oct. 1, 2012

Posts: 120 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Midwest
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 3:35 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgot to mention...the PISD book confirmed that I am NOT going crazy...oh, this makes us crazy...but what I mean is that this book helped quantify and qualify the various responses I am going through with regards to the A. It then goes on to real, practical examples on how to experience and feel the things that we feel without them totally controlling us.

A big difference between myself and my wife is the trauma this is to us. Yes, my wife has been hurt by the A but our total lack of control, lack of input, lack of knowledge puts us in a very different spot when then they are now.

By this book, and several others I have read, this experience that BS go through is unlike any other we ever will experience. Certainly there are other traumas in the world but this is unique.

God be with you, God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:44 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3991 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Topic Posts: 7

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