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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Timeline - do I need/want one?
UKlady
♀ Member
Member # 39058
Question  Posted: 4:15 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH is doing everything possible to help us to R. You name it, he is doing it. He's in IC and we're also with a new MC and have a lot of confidence in her.

He has known about SI since I joined and listened to particular posts that I've selected and read out to him. He's also been reading through things in the Healing Library. He is now a member and hangs around in the Wayward Side forum - we have a gentle agreement not to cross over here. He mentioned the other day that he is beginning to construct a timeline which I've heard mention of but not read up on it.

I'm pretty sure I know what but unsure that I know why it's done. I don't know that I need more information than I have - unless, of course, the timeline makes things better than what I imagine.

Have other BS received timelines from their WS? Did it help you?


Me: BW 45
Him: WH 48
Married: 6 years, together 9 years
D-day: 3 January 2013 - he confessed.
A: June-Dec 2012
No children.

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
SecondHelping
♂ Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did get a timeline, but by the time my fWW gave it to me, I knew enough. I asked her to seal it up in an envelope before giving it to me. I still have it and have not read it, but it's there if I want.

I know it was hard for her to write it and it was a step forward for her. I did make a difference to me just by getting it.


D-Day 1: Feb 1990
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49, fWW 43 (Amibroken)
OP- Police Chief (Age 37)
M 25 Yrs, 3 Kids (17, 14, 11)
I initated the relationship at the Railway Tavern, she tried to end it at Scrap Tavern

Posts: 489 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I requested a timeline early on...have not received it. I know LOTS of details now, but still mention my desire for one. Many excuses as to why my wife wont do it.

I think this act, like so many other actions, lose their value as time goes by...The lack of action slows rebuilding.

Early on we were both reeling with confusion and rapid, nonlinear thoughts...I think a timeline early on would have helped my WW view the A in a complete light and let me fully grasp the magnitude of the A.

As it turned out for me months of TT and very specific questioning gave me much of the details of the A. That process has taken its toll on our marriage...almost as much damage done through this as the actual A did. A volunteered, complete timeline by a WS would have eliminated that stressor.

It is encouraging that your H is working on this timeline. I think that shows a real commitment to you and your marriage...I can only see this helping your marriage. God be with you.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3952 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Knowing
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got a timeline at almost 3 months post DDay. I sat down with my fWH a print-out of a calendar and based on what I knew, started asking about dates and places, and filled it in. In that process I got some very important TT that I might not have received otherwise. Without that timeline I would literally only have about half of the story!

A timeline helps because WSs always minize the A. I always came back to the thought "How do I heal if I don't know what I'm healing from?"


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
Heavy Sigh
♀ Member
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Broad outlines of when it all began and ended are nice to have.

But few WS'es will tell you anything that you don't already know.

For example, would a WS really volunteer information like, 'you know that day you had outpatient medical procedure, couldn't drive, and i told you i had an out of town work meeting and you would have to find a friend to take you home from the hospital? ... I didn't have a meeting. I took off the whole day from work saying I had to drive you and take care of you after the surgery, and instead spent the whole day with OW."

What are the chances a WS who had done something like that to a BS would admit it, knowing it would start them back at the shock and grief of D-Day, all over again? Zero chances. And nearly all of the WS have done something horrific like that to cover an affair they wanted to keep having.

Some have been on work trips during a baby's first birthday. Some have spent the night with an OW while wife was at a dying parent's bedside.

There is usually one or more actions that will be toxic to a marriage even should it stay together and even if forgiveness occurs. kind of like a flesh-eating bacteria where the patient lives but not without a disfigurement or a chunk of her missing.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 8:42 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
Heavy Sigh
♀ Member
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also think they don't think while doing these things, any more than a teen thinks when thinking it hurts a parent to lie and say she's at a church function instead of at a nightclub.

Only in retrospect would a remorseful WS see the injury-on-top-of-injury as shameful, even beyond the affair itself.

Finding time to sneak in an affair becomes an engrained habit when it goes on for a while. Wife out of the house - even for hospital, see a sick relative - becomes automatic response to fill in the time with a hookup.

Or that's how I see it. Still ugliness, however.

Get the 'when it started and when it was over' timeline, and if they went on a business trip or vacation together. But as for the rest, assume the worse and you hurt just once about it instead of every single time the trickle truth reveals itself.

So yes, if you visited your sister or had a work trip or went shopping out of town for an afternoon, and the OP lived in your city or close by, the WS probably saw the OP.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 9:37 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
Justmiserable
♀ New Member
Member # 39388
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got TT for five months. It was small details really and it took me questioning the same things over and over before I got these new details. As far as dates of exactly when it started, I don't think my husband even remembers. He's always been terrible with details and I'm the type of person who is extremely detail oriented and obsessive.

The first time he brought up something he'd been lying to me about and finally admitted the truth on his own, I saw that as real progress. I'd mentioned that he write out a timeline and he said he would if I wanted him to, but now, I don't think I want it.

I think a timeline would have been a good idea for me in the beginning, because I would have had more to go on for my interrogations. Maybe if I'd gotten more truth early on, I wouldn't have that nagging voice in my head telling me that there is more and that it could come to light at any time and crush me. That feeling is there less and less now though, since it's been a few months since I got the last piece of the puzzle.


me-BS,FWS madhatter (36)
him-BS, FWS (39)
2 children 17 and 13
Married 13 years
Ow-(36)Stranger that he met on POF
D-day 10/03/2012
status: in recovery, NC with OW since shortly after DDay

Posts: 36 | Registered: May 2013
Jaded4life
♀ Member
Member # 37577
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got my timeline verbally at the very beginning. It was more approximate dates. He would have to go thru cell phone bills to get me exact dates. I did ask for a specific one. It's been over 6 mos since DD and I don't know that getting it now is going to help in our R. I already know how selfish he was. Lets face it, pretty much all WS are selfish in their actions, otherwise, we wouldn't all be here. We know they gave up too much time with us to be with them. Getting in writing at this point, I think would do more harm than good. Like yours, my WH is doing all he can to get us on healthy R. If you are ok with what you know and don't need to know exact dates and times, then I like the idea of a sealed envelope.


Me: 43...so betrayed.
Him: WH 46...multiple ONS, in therapy. A work in progress.
D-Months: Nov & Dec 2012. TT.
Married 4 years, together 5.
One beautiful amazing daughter, 15 mos

Posts: 94 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Land of the lost
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never asked for one. I know when the PA started and since it was a long term EA/PA that began with a too-close friendship, it really doesn't matter to me. I can pretty much assume the worst and while I like to think he has been completely honest, there are still things I have a hard time believing.

I think the why can be to satisfy the BS's need to know, but also to give the WS a chance to really lay bare their A, and see it for what it is. If you need it, insist on it. If you don't need it but he needs to write it, I like the sealed envelope idea.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1741 | Registered: Nov 2010
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's up to you. Here's why I got a TL, how I got it, and how I used it, but YMMV.

I needed one because my W & I organize our memories/experience differently. I think in terms of who-what-when-where-how-why, and I don't understand how she organizes her experience.

We worked on a timeline together - I asked Qs, she talked, I essentially took notes, drafted a timeline, and got her confirmation.

It was really useful for us. Or for me. I wanted to avoid getting significant new info months down the line. when I thought I heard new stuff, I could refer to the TL and see I actually had heard about the 'new' thing already. Also, we could talk about the same event in the same terms, because the event was documented on the TL.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10336 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
RockyMtn
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

People have given good advice. If your D-Day was around your registration date, time is of the essence. What I mean by this is that WS are human and even when NOT being deceptive, they are going to forget details over time. Even if you're not sure you want one, I would have him do it. As secondhelping said, you could always have it sealed and determine later if you want it. I just worry that you'd want one a year from now and things would be more muddled. Things like phone records (great with constructing timelines) become inaccessible, people change phones where there may be text messages to help construct the timeline, etc.

And, in R, so much goes on that is so emotionally and mentally exhausting. Your WH may get caught up in so much of the R stuff that the details start to float away. And then, if you want them, they aren't there in his mind as clearly.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
UKlady
♀ Member
Member # 39058
Default  Posted: 4:22 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you to everyone who responded to my post here. Some mixed and interesting, thought provoking answers.

RockyMtn - D-Day for me was 3rd January this year when my WH confessed to his A last year. On that day he gave me a verbal timeline and broad description of events so, in effect, I do already have this. He has also been completely open to going back over anything when I've asked and answering any questions I've thrown at him.

The idea of having a timeline in a sealed envelope is good for some people but me - I"m too much of a kid to be able to cope with that! Anything sealed and with my name on just has to be opened

I talked to him about it last night and found that actually he wasn't writing a complete timeline, just putting things down in writing for his profile here on SI! He was classing this as a timeline as he's not written it all out before. So, I'd say in his situation, it's more for him than for me.

We have a second MC session today with our new counsellor and she already stated last week that today we needed to look at the 'whys' of his actions (nothing like getting straight to the point!!) and this will involve, to a point, verbalising the timeline again as she has no idea what his A looked like.

Thank you again for such warmth and support


Me: BW 45
Him: WH 48
Married: 6 years, together 9 years
D-day: 3 January 2013 - he confessed.
A: June-Dec 2012
No children.

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 3:38 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I pray that your session went well.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3952 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
UKlady
♀ Member
Member # 39058
Default  Posted: 3:58 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

blakesteele - thank you for asking. Yes it went well (if you can say that about counselling!). It was painful particularly for my H but the counsellor was particularly good in how she 'handled me'. For example she asked me what question(s) I wanted answering. I started with 'why?' and she asked my why I wanted to know the answer and what answer did I want to hear. I've never considered that before and it helped me to think about what I wanted to know and why.

She was gentle but firm with my H allowing him time to verbalise his thoughts and, I believe, that she is helping him to uncover his whys and reveal to him how he is broken.

Anyway there's too much detail but suffice to say we are very impressed with this MC and are hopeful that she can help us to move forward through this awful time.

Thanks all again for the support - it means so much.


Me: BW 45
Him: WH 48
Married: 6 years, together 9 years
D-day: 3 January 2013 - he confessed.
A: June-Dec 2012
No children.

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 14

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