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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Just found out
kenny55
♂ Member
Member # 23014
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to tell the other spouse. You will not be the cause of the failure of her marriage. Her husband did that.

Posts: 444 | Registered: Feb 2009
Ghostrider
♂ Member
Member # 32604
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Joe, my WW exhibited many of the same behaviors as yours. Feel free to let your WW know that a). she isn't unique as there are - sadly - hundreds of these exact scenarios and b). most self-aware adults in a relationship with a modicum of self-respect for themselves and the parent to their children inform the other party when they plan to end it.

My WW did the following:

- blamed me
- claimed that she would have cheated if...
- asked me if she should end leave
- alternated between sadness, anger and frustration for 6 months
- lied about protection, number of times and who knew

I told her the following after DDY 3. I have no idea if our M was going to last but that she needed to focus on herself because we had 2 sons and they didn't need a mom who whored herself around. They needed a self-aware, mature adult who they could rely on, who made sound rational decisions and based on what she had done, she was miles from that.

My suggestion is to protect yourself and your kids. Prepare for D. Both mentally and in process.

I'm 2yrs into this. My WW is a changed woman. Remorseful. Self-aware. I stayed for my boys. But even now, when they leave, I wonder if there will be enough there to make it last when their gone.

Good luck man. This is a rough ride. You can survive it. But not without hurt.


BH (me)
WW (her)
Negative, GhostRider, the pattern is full.

Posts: 410 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: United States
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry you are here. Please follow the great advice you have received.

She is following the WW script perfectly. Nothing she is telling you is unique. This is ALL about her brokenness. Don't try to figure her out or understand the why's right now. Protect yourself and detach.

Women who are happy in their relationship are happy with themselves. (Same goes for men too)

There is NEVER an excuse for an affair. It is ALWAYS wrong. It is ALL her fault. She is using immature protective mechanisms to prevent her from seeing herself for who she is. The truth is too painful for her. Change is possible only if she wants to change. Now is not the time to worry about even if that is possible.

Take care. Be strong.


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your wife has a privileged and wealthy life style,' not having to work; a nanny for the kids, a personal trainer etc. Time to turn nasty and take this gorgeous lifestyle away.
After all she doesn't like you or love you; why should you be mr. nice guy?

Insist she leaves to 'find herself', which will mean finding a job and learning to survive without all these luxuries that she takes for granted. She needs a gigantic kick up the ass. Time to apply some corrective medicine to this relationship. Wonder how long she takes to regain that loving feeling when she gets tired after a full days work and is missing that privileged standard of living, not to mention the personal trainer.


Posts: 1689 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
hatefulnow
♂ Member
Member # 35603
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't pay too much mind to her current behavior. It is right out of the WS playbook. But, since this PRICK is married, it's time for the nuclear option.

Don't worry that it might disrupt his family. You're not coming to his wife with a pack of lies. You're not the one who upended her life. Besides, if you want a chance at saving your marriage, your wife has
got to get her head in the game...100%! There is no better way to defog a WS than exposing the AP to their spouse. Occasionally, they will want to commit to the WS, but usually they run for cover, throw their AP under the bus, and break contact in order to save their ass. The WS, seeing that her 'one true luuuurrrrvvv' didn't really care about them and was using her for sex because she is an attractive woman who made herself available for sex, usually has a 'WHAT THE HELL HAVE I DONE' moment.

Besides, you might only be confirming what his spouse already suspects. You might be helping her out to get to the truth she needs and deserves to know but has been denied to her by POSOM (piece of shit other man). Also, she could prove to be a valuable ally to comiserate, share info, help maintain no contact, etc.


Posts: 119 | Registered: May 2012
joeinfl
♂ New Member
Member # 39583
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So tonight my wife tells me it is over. She has been miserable for years she says. We had issues typical of a family with 3 young kids dealing with lack of sleep, bills, etc... But I'm not sure I would call it miserable. She installed her password back on her phone and says it doesn't matter because its over. I guess I will call my attorney tomorrow

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jun 2013
hatefulnow
♂ Member
Member # 35603
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And tell OMs wife!

Posts: 119 | Registered: May 2012
hatefulnow
♂ Member
Member # 35603
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kids? Bills? She had a nanny and wasn't working. Ingrate!

Posts: 119 | Registered: May 2012
wonderpets
♂ Member
Member # 35901
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You'll be pissed of and full of hate for a year or so, but you'll come out all right. She won't find what she wants though.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Jun 2012
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hard to believe she's that willing to give up her life of utter privilege and expose her children to a painful divorce. Life has a working mother trying to raise a family is far removed from the benevolent luxury she has 'endured' in her marriage.

I'll believe it when it happens.


Posts: 1689 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
FeelingSoMuch
♂ Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This sounds similar to how my WW behaved at first -- nearly four months later she's a different person and is starting to resemble again the woman I married. What I'm trying to say is, there's hope and your situation has the potential to improve significantly over the next few months. (the pain will still be there)

A PA that includes an EA is much harder to deal with. More women seem to have EAs and they take longer to reach remorse than guys who have a ONS.

The OM and your WW probably told themselves a lot of lies to keep the A going. She's likely relying on those lies right now to justify what she did.

The best way to break her bond is to cause problems for the OM. I called the OM's live-in girlfriend at her work. That caused a lot of grief for him and made him reluctant to contact my WW again. He's stayed away since. I didn't do it for any noble reason. I did it out of revenge and to break the bond. It broke the bond.

My stupid WW -- I still love her -- also said incredibly hurtful things to me during the first two weeks. Apparently this is normal and you if you believe her there'll never be a chance of R. Your WW is saying hurtful things to justify her actions. She doesn't even believe in them. You don't marry someone and have three kids with them if you believe such ugly things about the other person. You're going to have to let that slide, but whatever you do, don't agree with her or believe her words. Her only intention is to hurt you and cause you to react in a negative way, thus justifying her actions.

Do the 180. It took me three months to start getting it right and I'm still not great at it. Don't blame yourself if you can't do it at first -- it'll take time.

Go to both IC and MC. Even if you believe you're going to D, go to MC. It helps understand the situation and I have a feeling your WW, much like my WW, will listen to the therapist more than she listens to you. The therapist will force them to at least take ownership of their actions.

I'm so sorry. This hurts like hell. I had never taken any meds in my entire life, but found that anti-depressants help me stay focused at work. I have a hectic job with people coming in to my office throughout the day. It's the only way I have found to continue performing at work.

Like the people posting above suggested, do not make any long-term decisions right now. You don't need to and the ridiculous rage your WW is showing will subside significantly once she gives up the douchebag in her head. Right now, she's probably thinking he can help her get out of this. He can't. He's a douchebag cheater. You're her best friend and the person who gave her the nice life she enjoyed so much she felt safe enough to cheat.

Once again, most importantly -- hold off on major decisions and seek counselling.

Good luck and stay strong.

[This message edited by FeelingSoMuch at 10:39 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well being that she has laid down the gauntlet its time for you to give her a heavy dose of reality. Inform OM BS matter of fact inform his employer as well. Inform everyone you know that she is leaving because she has been having an A with her trainer. Its imperative you expose before she can go bad mouthing you and telling quite a different story as to why the M is ending. Sever all financial ties now. Do not give her a red cent until a court orders you to do so. Pack her bags and show her the door. Tell her she is free to pursue a relationship with OM. Get to an attorney and make sure you file for custody first. He who files first usually gets temp custody till a hearing. Which can be months away. You must prepare for D. Even if its not what you want. You must assume the worst case scenario right now. D is war and needs to be treated as such. Show no quarter and take no prisoners. Ensure your children's safety and security. Get your ass to a lawyer ASAP. You must have a detailed plan of attack in place.

So now lets look at the reality of this all. She is banging her PT. She is in love with the fantasy he creates. I'm sure he is telling her exactly what he thinks she needs to hear in order to get laid. The best course of action in dealing with cheaters is to give them what they want. So she wants the PT. let her have him. Lets face it most guys like him go into that line of work because there are lots of women to bag. She is not his first and I'm sure not his last. And quite possibly he has a few going on at the same time. She thinks she is special to him right now. But she is just another piece of meat who threw herself at this predator. Once she leaves you she will run to him. Do you honestly think he wants her ? You said the dude is M. Most likely he is a trophy H and his W earns the bread. If she thinks he is leaving that cushy scenario for a broke assed client she is sadly mistaken. That's why you must tell his BS and employer. You must make this A difficult. Another thing about severing finances is that he gets paid to train her. So your basically paying him to screw your W. Don't sound so good does it ?

This A must be dragged into reality. Reality is like kryptonite to an A. It kills it quickly. No need to lie or add anything to what's going on. Because her actions are vile. Her intentions are vile. And all you gotta do is give her enough rope to hang herself. And trust me she will. She is going to be mean, nasty and make all kinds of accusations. Let her. The thing about the truth is you only have to tell it once. While a lie grows like a bad weed. Once she gets dumped by OM and she will. Her tune will start to change. She will most likely come crawling back to you. But it cant just be that alone. Do not allow her back in until she atones for her deeds. She must be willing to be totally honest and accept your terms. And that's if you choose to take her back. You may find that you no longer want a cheat and liar in your life. And there is nothing wrong with that. She ran that risk when she fucked another man. And she took it anyways. Too bad, so sad. She thinks she holds all the cards now. But in reality you do. You just gotta step up and realize it my man. Your going to hurt, that's a given bro. But you must not show her that hurt or fear because she will run with it. Stand firm and absolute. Do not allow her to run this show. If you play this right your going to come out smelling like a rose. Just man up, pick your balls off the floor and do what needs to be done. You will be OK. Please keep posting and reading. We can help you through this.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5552 | Registered: Nov 2007
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So tonight my wife tells me it is over. She has been miserable for years she says. We had issues typical of a family with 3 young kids dealing with lack of sleep, bills, etc... But I'm not sure I would call it miserable. She installed her password back on her phone and says it doesn't matter because its over. I guess I will call my attorney tomorrow

Hi Joe,
So sorry about your situation.

I don't think you have the whole truth. Your wife is in a full blown affair. And now that ahe's been "caught" she's only admitting to the minimum. And she's re-writing marital history (I've been so miserable, blah, blah, blah) in order to justify her behavior. This is also a way to shift the blame to you. Believe it or not, this is all very common behavior with cheating spouses.

Personally, I think you are sitting in a pretty good position. I think you have a good chance of getting your wife back (if you want her) and getting her to be sincerely remorseful.

It won't be easy. But you really don't have much choice at this point. These are the cards you have been dealt.

The WORST thing to do right now is to cry and beg for her to come back. That won't work. She has her head so far up her ass, she can't see or think straight. And don't think you can "love" or "nice" her back either. Neither of those work.

See your lawyer. Find out what your rights are in your state as far as the children are concerned. Consider filing for divorce AND for full custody of the children.

The next thing you MUST do is contact the OM's wife. You are not destroying their marriage. HE and your wife did that. his wife deserves to know.

This is going to help you. Chances are he is going to run back to his wife and kids and dump your WW like last week's trash. This is going to slap your WW upside the head with a much needed dose of reality.

What if he doesn't run back to his wife and she instead throws him out? This works in your favor too. Don't get caught up in the "now they will be together" scenerio. They are already together. But now he has a very angry wife who is about to divorce him and really stick it to him.

Suddenly their little fantasy life isn't so wonderful any more. And nothing against personal trainers, but I'm guessing that after his wife is done with him there won't be much left over for houses and cars and nannies.

Affairs are based on alot of fantasy. There are no real life issues to burst the fantasy bubble. There are no blended bank accounts, no mortgages and other bills to pay, no sick kids, no dirty laundry, etc.

You toss in two divorces, alimony, child support, child visitation, loss of personal belongings, etc and reality comes crashing down big time.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7992 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Joe, just read and re-read the last three excellent posts. They all point the way forward in a most realistic, practical way.

Your wife is gripped by a temporary insanity; all facts are distorted and you need to protect yourself from the damage she can do. Contact the OM's BW; watch him ditch your wife in a heartbeat and contact an attorney; you don't want your WW running off with the kids.


Posts: 1689 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
joeinfl
♂ New Member
Member # 39583
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This morning she was angry until I told her I was going to speak to my attorney today, and once the train started rolling it would be hard to stop. That seemed to jolt her into some sort of temporary reality. We had a counseling session scheduled for tomorrow, that she told me last night she no longer wanted to go to. Now she asked if I would wait until after the MC session tomorrow to reach out to the attorney.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jun 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No.
Continue forward.
You can always delay later if she shows signs of true remorse.

Notice what caused her (little bit of) change?

That was you.
Grabbing control of your life.
Manning up.

It may not even be real change anyway. She's just bargaining for a better outcome for herself...


Posts: 6423 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now she asked if I would wait until after the MC session tomorrow to reach out to the attorney.

How does this serve your interests? Not at all I am thinking.

D is not hard to stop once initiated, in fact it takes some perseverance to keep it moving. See the attorney, there will be all sorts of important information. For instance, you know that here in Florida there is no legal separation? Some of the other things my attorney told me were to stop making house payments and bank the money while we worked through the D, and to log my involvement in childcare in the event I had to push to defend my rights for custody.

As for the MC, it is not the M or you that is broken and needs to be fixed. It is your WW. She will not be able to realistically work on the M with you as a full and equal partner until she has identified and owned her A-related perceptions, problems, and other crap.

She does not even know if she wants to be with you. She tells you she does not love you. She is hiding her communications from you. Delaying any legal move towards D serves her purposes of having you take care of her and the kids while she is free to stay in contact with OM or find a new OM.

Something I offered for consideration in another thread, would you spend time with the person your WW is now if she was not your W? Would you date her? Would you M her? If the answers are no, why would you stay M to her? Filing for D is not D, it is only the first step. There are many opportunities to stop the process if you decide that is in YOUR best interest.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4078 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
2yrs+recovering
♀ Member
Member # 31582
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Joe,

Sorry about your wife, but glad you found this place.

You are doing it right, a lawyer is what you need, but the train can be stopped if she becomes truly remorseful.

And as most on SI believe it is imperative that you contact the other spouse. And do NOT tell your WW that you are doing this!!!

First, they have a right to know and a high percentage of A's end because the op does not want to end their marriage. This bright light will shine on their dirty little secret. Affairs thrive only in secrecy.

Second, they have a right to know period.

I wish someone, anyone had told me sooner, and even if they only told me of their suspicions!!! At least I would have had knowledge, knowledge is power. And I would have known I wasn't CRAZY. as I was told for years

180, tell other spouse,lawyer, and seek all the free and wise help from this site. No need to re-invent the wheel. xoxo


BS (me)59 FWH 71
Married 35 years
4 children and 3 grandchildren
5 yrs into R.
Now that he has changed and become the man he should have been all along, why should I start over?

Posts: 560 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: New Jersey
2yrs+recovering
♀ Member
Member # 31582
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh and one thing I forgot, and since I did not read all the responses yet, maybe someone else brought this up.

Personal trainer!!! Very good chance this is not the first time at the rodeo for him!!!

The likelihood that this is true love is slim!!!

Do not pass go, go straight to the ops wife and tell her in as kind a way as you can. I am pretty sure she may have heard this before!


BS (me)59 FWH 71
Married 35 years
4 children and 3 grandchildren
5 yrs into R.
Now that he has changed and become the man he should have been all along, why should I start over?

Posts: 560 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: New Jersey
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey brother sorry you are here. please, please do not put of filing. given everything she has said and Shown you, this is likely a stall tactic. do not let her file first. protect yourself and the children first.
also please, make it a priority to see a doctor and get tested for STD's.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2540 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
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