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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: false R, quit? long possible tmi
codiath
♂ New Member
Member # 39081
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First a little backstory.

Well in my case there were EAs and PAs. We're only about 2 months out. Initially the EAs didn't bother me so much as I was blindsided by the physical. There were 3 instances where it got physical with 2 different guys. No actual sex just oral and fingering. She told me the story and I confirmed it by talking to the 2 guys. I was doing well after that(despite our continuing lack of communication) and then the EA became my focus, there were so many. I started going through the phone records and realized just how bad it was. I did confirm NC though.

I had asked her if the affairs started before our anniversary. She said NO. Later. I confirmed that was a lie as she has a multi hour long conversation on our anniversary. As I was out of state at her parents house to do some yard work. At the time I was there her grandpa passed away. This lie crushed me and sent me in a downward spiral. I got distant, mean, and condescending. But I was still willing to try.

As I'm going through the phone bill again. I come across the number to one of the EA guys. I contact him and found out that it got physical between them as well. She gave him oral as well. When I confronted her about it she denied it. When I told her I talked to him and gave her a couple details she said I called the same guy I already talked to. I showed her it wasn't and then she finally admitted to it. she asked if I want complete transparency and the answer should be obvious. She said when we get home she'll give me transparency.

We get home and she admits it again then confesses to kissing an other one. That's it really? Of course I don't believe her. We were supposed to have transparency. we were supposed to be honest. We were supposed to be working on trust. I had asked her prior to multiple times if she had anything else to come clean about so I don't find it on my own. I told her the truth hurts but lies kill. She promised to never hurt me again just like she promised to always be faithful. Broken promises and lies. She said she didn't tell me because she thought it would make me leave. Like me finding out on my own is better.

Well needless to say I don't know if I should continue R and do things differently. Or should I just throw in the towel? I've never been so confused in my life. I feel bipolar. I don't know whether to hate her or love her. The woman I fell in love with died the day she cheated. I'm so lost. I don't want to lose my kids. I feel like marrying her was the biggest mistake of my life. How can I trust her.


Me-26 BH
Her-26 WW
D-Day 4/13/13


Sometimes life gives you lemons but i have gold spray paint.


Posts: 14 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Phoenix,AZ
powerthroughpain
♂ New Member
Member # 39165
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You needs to decide what your personal level of care is. To me it sounds like you put up with a lot. Scrutinize your relationship and judge it according to that. Ask yourself if you think she is capable of co creating a relationship that is 10 times better and meets your needs. If you don't think so, get out.


14 years together 1 dd 3 yold
5 years married
WW dday 4/23/13 8 month ea/pa
WW in ic
Separated
No contact finally 6/3/13
Not working on r
Filing for d

Posts: 29 | Registered: May 2013 | From: powerthroughpain
Jennifer99
♀ Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm kind of new so I don't know everyone's story.

Have either of you tried IC?


Posts: 524 | Registered: Jun 2013
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For some it's not the actual A that kills M and R it's the continued lies that usually do them in. If she isn't owning her shit completely and still lying to you then you aren't in R as you stated in your title. Every bit of TT sets YOU back. The decision to quit or keep trying is up to you but my suggestion would be to start the 180 and begin focusing on your healing. You can't make her tell you the truth, you can't make her do the work, you can't make her love you again. The only thing you can do is take care of yourself and be responsible for your own actions. She has to pull her own weight and she is currently not doing it so focus on yourself and figure out what YOU want in life. Stop focusing on her, detach, 180, and focus on you and things will get clearer for you. Either she will see you detaching and start doing the work or she never was going to do the work in the first place. I wish you the best.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1573 | Registered: May 2011
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi codiath,

How can I trust her.

And here is the $64K question. You know that you cannot trust what she says, she lied during her A, she lied after dday, she lied when she said that there would be transparency.

I would ask her to demonstrate and attempt to prove to you that she is worthy of your trust. Tell her that based on the past few months, you baseline assumption is that she is not worthy of trust. You will assume she is meeting or talking with an OM unless she is able to prove otherwise to you. You will assume that she had "actual sex" as well as oral sex, fingering sex, kissing, and more with the OM you know of and OM you do not know of unless she can convince you that she is being honest, open, and transparent. You will presume she does not care for you, nor want the M unless she demonstrates to you in sustained ways that she does care for you and that she does want to be M'd to you. Meanwhile, take your focus off of her and place it on to you and your healing. Work on detaching from her, and have her come to you to prove she is doing right as opposed to you chasing her to prove she is still acting as a wayward.

She promised to never hurt me again just like she promised to always be faithful.

Right, you get it. She is not trust-worthy given her past behaviors. Ask her what she is going to do to ensure she does not hurt you again. Ask her why she had the A, and what she is doing to change so that the next time she does not have another A. What was she looking for in the EA's? What will be different the next time she is looking for that type of affirmation? Why did she decide it was OK to blow a guy and let him finger her? Why would you believe that she would make a different choice the next time?

Has she read Not Just Friends by Glass and Sexual Detours by Hines and discussed these books with you? This would be a way for her to demonstrate that she is trying to understand why she had her A, so that she can address her issues to prevent a future A.

Has she given you a complete timeline and answered your follow-up questions? This would be a way for her to demonstrate that she is trying to be honest, transparent, and end the on-going hurts her past behaviors keep delivering to you.

I don't know if I should continue R and do things differently.

You have not been in R as she is not yet participating and it takes two to R. Here is a suggestion on a way to do things differently. Set R aside, and if you do not want to D just now, set that aside too. Enter the phase I refer to as “not divorcing”. Decide what you need from your WW for you to consider R. The couple of things I listed above may be a start. Her doing IC to figure out, own, and fix her “Whys” may be another. Use this time to work on yourself, and getting to acceptance (this is different than forgiveness) and your own healing. Work on making your life (independent of your WW) what you want it to be. For me this included expanding my network of social friends, getting finances in better shape in case D was the path I wanted, working out to become healthier, and revisiting activities and hobbies I had let go after I was M’d.

Let her prove to you that she is worthy of you, a safe partner for you, and someone you want to be M’d to. While she is doing this, work on yourself to become the best codiath that you can be.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 9:56 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
codiath
♂ New Member
Member # 39081
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No we have not yet done any C. We talked about it but neither of us have gone. She hasn't owned her shit. I don't think I'll ever know the whole truth. Because her excuse for not telling me is she didnt think i would stay. She has an excuse for everything. We both lack in communication. I own that about myself. The more I talk to people and think about it the closer I get to just leaving. Its not like she had a one night stand or was seeing one, two, or three people. What she did was excessive. If she did it to feel pretty or wanted than I will never be enough. How can I give her what she was getting from about 16 guys. I feel I will never be enough for her. If she wanted to feel pretty or wanted, why wasn't one or two enough? Why so many?

Yes I did get a timeline but it was vague and apparently incomplete as there was no mention of anything other the the two initially admitted to.

Thank you all for the responses and the insight. I was beginning to think my thread would go unnoticed. Thanks again.

Edited to address post before I finished typing this one on my phone.

[This message edited by codiath at 10:05 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)]


Me-26 BH
Her-26 WW
D-Day 4/13/13


Sometimes life gives you lemons but i have gold spray paint.


Posts: 14 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Phoenix,AZ
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she did it to feel pretty or wanted than I will never be enough.

You are right codith, you will never be enough. Ironically though, it only takes one person to fill the needs she was trying to fill with the 16, and that is her. Your WW is the only one who can fill the (emotional, not physical) holes that she was trying to fill with the 16 OM.

If she wanted to feel pretty or wanted, why wasn't one or two enough? Why so many?

Because she picked the wrong people to make her feel pretty and wanted, only she can do that.

My FWW thought I disliked her, was not attracted to her. She could not have been further from the truth, but her perceptions were skewed and this is what she believed. After years of IC and work FWW is learning to love herself. As she learns to love herself, she is feels loved by me even though I make less effort to express it now than I did pre-dday.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Topic Posts: 7

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