I know WH wants to be forgiven someday
IMO forgiveness is not for the offender. Many people work on forgiving others whom they will never see again (either through death or choice). Forgiveness is for the one who was offended. We are all different though and for some to not forgive is how they honor themselves imo. For one this may be easily forgivable and for another it may be NEVER forgivable. The fact that your H wants it bothers me, but that is me and how I view forgiveness. Perhaps finding out what forgiveness means to your H would be a good start and help you see into him better, there are as many definitions of forgiveness as there are people IMO, and it is important to find out the definitions of those close to you and who you share your life.
For me, I looked for nothing in order to forgive, I was one of those who did it early because for me forgiving does not mean I will continue a relationship with someone. It was about me, who I am, my integrity, my belief in grace, how I want to be in the grand scheme of life, not just in this instance.
For me, acceptance has been harder and although I have made great headway it is still a "project" to be sure as new realizations seem to pop up just when I think I am gaining ground.
I believe acceptance and re-bonding, repairing the relationship, is what is necessary to have a R, irregardless if your forgive or not. Forgiveness may be complimentary to R but it is not required. (this is a general statement, for some, due to their beliefs, especially religious ones, it is a requirement to R, but in the grand scheme of things I have seen many relationships thrive without focused forgiveness, not to say that all the work done to get to acceptance and repair the relationship might just inadvertently lead to forgiveness)
He didn't fall in luuurve with a coworker(not that that is any better)..he set out to deliberately and purposefully cheat on me. He trolled craigslist,answered and placed ads,opened a secret email account,exchanged texts,pics,and emails with both men and girls(can't call them women). None of this was an accident. It was all done quite purposefully and was cruel.
I have not forgiven him. I doubt I will. He doesn't expect me to either.
[This message edited by confused615 at 9:22 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
What are your thoughts on forgiving? What are you looking for, if anything, in order to forgive?
I don't think being cheated on is forgivable. But thats me. To each their own.
And even if I could forgive someone for it, I won't stay with them.
But if I were to forgive and stay, then it would take a hella lot of bending over backwards by the WS.
For me it would be access to all her social networking accounts, phone, etc. And sorry to say, the girls night out thing would end up having to be a thing of the past. Once my understanding for a significant other's need to be with friends is taken advantage of and used as a way to cheat, then those days are over.
But I didn't want to live like that, so I asked her to leave.
[This message edited by nofool4u at 9:23 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]
And if he did, I don't feel that he has done anything to earn my forgiveness.
Forgiveness should not be given out like candy
"Some of us don't see people how they are but how we need them to be".....quote from Uncertainone
I think it honestly more of a case of dismissing them and the remnants of their actions towards me. I no longer care why. There is no hatred or even anger left.
Of course she's dead and I don't ever run into the rest so there's that.
As far as my ex. I never opened up to him enough to really register the full pain of his choices or actions. It was like hearing noises under water. While my physical body felt it I had long ago "taught" that device not to really register.
He's not capable of change, or if he is I haven't seen it. I am able to recognize his strengths. Being a good father. His job. I think the distance helps quite a bit. I don't have to see him every day and register new pain.
I think that's a HUGE part. After someone has inflicted so much damage I'd be very raw for anything added by that individual. Probably forever.
The person I did need to forgive was myself. I had to do that for my choices and for tolerating other's actions and behaviors.
I hear that people close to us should have our backs and care about how they hurt us. I just honestly have never believed that. I guess I just saw way too early that there are so many levels and barriers in between they have to break through and handle within themselves to even approach sometimes registering someone else.
I think many people register others on a cost benefit analysis that may be so subconscious it's invisible.
[This message edited by uncertainone at 10:15 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]
'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth
Even so, H and I have a very loving relationship. I still enjoy a life with him. Forgiveness is the one and only thing I hold back.