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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Accept the love - what are you doing?
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Read a few posts about how this thread can be a downer and I have noticed that too. This is understandable.

I wanted to be proactive and post something about accepting the love of your spouse. It is not easy to do. We want to lash out at someone who hurt us so much.

The more I go on, the more I realize that the A was NOT about me. Because of that, I feel compassion for him. Because of that, I can feel love for him. Because of that, I can accept the love he is giving to me.

Ways I accept:
+ greet him kindly when he gets home
+ when he hugs me, I hug back
+ hold his hand while on the couch or when falling asleep
+ smile when he compliments me
+ thank him when he has done something special for me, our boys, our home
+ respond to his texts

What are you doing to accept the love?

LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2228 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
musiclovingmom
♀ Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do the same. Plus,
Wash and fold his clothes
Cook him dinner (sometimes I even make his plate)
Go take a shower when he offers to watch our 2 month old and let me have a break (this is something he never did with our first child while he was in the throes of his A season - he is doing this specifically because he knows I need it)
Travel to work with him when I can without fretting about money the entire time

[This message edited by musiclovingmom at 1:36 PM, June 17th (Monday)]


Posts: 1057 | Registered: Jan 2013
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

maybe more posters can chime in with some good things....


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2228 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
huRtZ413
♀ Member
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i clean his crap lol
i hug him
i kiss him
i laugh when he is trying to make jokes
i sleep with him and mean it'
i cry when i tell him how much he still matters.
i do alot



me_BW
him_WH


I'M ON THE FENCE



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
meplusfour
♀ Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ways I accept fWH love:

-smile when our eyes meet
-listen without lashing out when we talk about the A and he shares his thoughts and feelings
-give him a chance to make new memories with our children and myself

I'm going to think about this and come up with a few more. Great thread LA44.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 357 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I no longer roll my eyes and say "neat" when he tells me he loves me.

I always say thank you when he compliments me, even when I KNOW I look like dog crap.

I accept his help and assistance whenever he offers it, as I know it is done with a genuine desire to make my life easier and not as a way to make me feel like a lousy partner/mother.

I never shy away from his touch.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6359 | Registered: Jan 2011
Undone1
♀ Member
Member # 37683
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I initiate sweet or loving texts.

I bought him a Father's Day gift and picked out a card even though it was still hard.

I ask him for his help when I need it instead of feeling resentful that "I have to do it all."


Undone1
Married 10+ years to my high school sweetheart
DDAY 10/27/12
Me 55
WH 55
Blended Family: 25, 21, and 20
Married 10 years
"The Universe Unfolds as it Should"

Posts: 301 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Missouri
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I let him buy me a new car like he wanted to instead of insisting that my old beat-up hail damaged car was good enough for me (which, it was - but I sure do love my new one). I say thank you when he compliments me instead of arguing about how he is wrong & I am a troll.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6671 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kiss him hello and goodbye in public.

I didn't do that before, but I know it makes him feel wanted and secure.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
RightTrack
♀ Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I finally read "The Five Love Languages" and am using it. It works! @ Rebreather: "Neat", made me laugh

Posts: 616 | Registered: Sep 2012
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hug him and kiss him when he gets home.

I allow him to hold my hand when he reaches for it.

I let him hold me at night when we go to bed.

I thank him when he compliments me.

I don't think I have any problem "accepting" the love..it's trusting that love that is my problem.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7310 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think I have any problem "accepting" the love..it's trusting that love that is my problem.

Yes Confused...I understand that. In a way, we are trusting when we accept it. Trusting that they mean what they offer/say. Trusting that it will last and stand the test of time.

I laughed at Rebreather's Neat comment too!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2228 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
hobbeskat
♀ Member
Member # 38805
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am beginning to trust what he says as I know the hardest thing in the world for him was to come back and face this. He runs, that's what he does, and what he's always done.

I am starting to, slowly, return his affection. I literally flinched until this week. I still do, just not as often.

I'm starting to try and look him in the eye.

I'm saying, "I love you" more, rather than just, "Okay" when he says he loves me.

I bought him a little gift today, it's in the post. I sent him a text saying look out for it, and he said he didn't deserve it. Maybe not, but I saw it and thought he'd like it, so, I'm giving it to him.

He's been doing so many little things for me and I'm thanking him for them. And starting to return them. Bringing him coffee in bed when it's his nightshift, like he does for me in the mornings when he's finished work.

The first thing he tends to tell me every day is that I'm beautiful. And I'm stopping hiding my face and saying no, and accepting it instead.

[This message edited by hobbeskat at 6:12 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 308 | Registered: Mar 2013
Pudding
♀ Member
Member # 37168
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank him when he tells me something painful and demonstrates that he is now being open and honest.

He has to work occasionally with xOW, which I hate. He used to cover it up. Now he tells me if he has to see her and how he feels about it afterwards. He finds the feelings but hard. I thank him when he tries, even though I want to scream that I wish that she was fired and he didn't have to work with her.

He now tells me if someone oversteps boundaries and how he handles it/ them. That is hard too, so I thank him.


Posts: 266 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: UK
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a great therapeutic thread!

I am engaged with her, I listen to her, I make time for her no matter how busy I am... I feel as though we are truly a partnership now, whereas before we just carried out separate roles.

I don't think I have any problem "accepting" the love..it's trusting that love that is my problem.

This hits home with me as well... still work-in-progress. Feels snail-like in velocity, but it's important to level-set and gain perspective every now and then, and think back to how non-existent the trust was at one point.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
mysticpenguin
♀ Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like this thread! :) I need to make more of an effort to accept verbal reassurances / compliments. I have a bad habit of deflecting both :/

To accept love - well, I'm staying open and present. I try to make sure to thank him each time he speaks my love language (physical touch) and in return I speak his (acts of service - each day I spend 90 minutes cleaning and also do all the laundry and dishes).


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
Lostinthismess
♀ Member
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think I have any problem "accepting" the love..it's trusting that love that is my problem.

So true. I'm still pretty guarded but I'm trying to believe its true.


Dday- 4/4/13
fwh- harrypotter
'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 330 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Ca
hurtininHouston
♂ Member
Member # 39250
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely more WH than WW on this post. I tell my WW that I love her. I cook her meals. Wait for her to come home from work. I give a lot of love. I accept it as well. But feel that when I see her I don't act the same as when I talk on the phone to her. When I see her I still feel anger, resentment, sadness. I want to act the same way I can when just talking on the phone. It is just hard. I took her on a romantic trip. Wineries, restaurants trying to recreate new memories. She is remorseful, ashamed, hurt and sad for her actions. She tries to show me....... It helps. Ah the pain of having to be on here period.
Thanks for listening to me rant!

Posts: 57 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Houston
Topic Posts: 18

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