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User Topic: What do you think?
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also he hid this from me for almost 5years lying everytime

He believed it was wrong on some level or he would neither have hid it nor lied.

I'm not sure that I personally think it was cheating per se, but the lying CERTAINLY is a betrayal, manipulation and evidence of untrustworthyness.

[This message edited by JustWow at 7:33 PM, June 17th (Monday)]

BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)

Posts: 3630 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my opinion it is cheating but not for the reason you are asking. You were separated so I don't consider him having sex with someone else to be cheating. Now when you got back together and you asked him about it and he denied, that is where the cheating happened.

BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 489 | Registered: Nov 2012
♀ Member
Member # 37458
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately, I have gone through this exact situation.

2years after our daughter was born, I found out my H slept with another woman (this happened 13 years ago). I kicked him out and had NO intentions of remaining married to him, and I told him this. I allowed him to come see the children and I would leave and come back when he was finished seeing them.

Back then there was no SI, I had NO idea about all the horrible feelings and rollercoaster of emotions I was going through. I thought I was bi-polar and got meds for it! (come to find out..i was not bi-polar)

During the month WH was not living with me, I had a ONS (slept with a guy 3times). I was an emotional wreck due to his infedelity, finding out he tried to sleep w/my sis, his constant need for porn and strip clubs, I felt like a piece of discarded ugly trash...

All that being said, I did end up taking him back and we swept his infedelity under the rug. He asked me many times if I had "done" anything when I kicked him out. And here is where I really screwed up! I lied and told him there was no one else! So I became what devastated me, a effin "LIAR" and "CHEAT". He found out 7 years later and we never talked about it. Untill wh had an EA and blew our marriage wide open (5years later).

I regret the ONS, and I regret not confessing it when we got back together and he asked. He had a right to know, we were still married, regardless if I had no intentions of taking him back. As soon as I made the decision to take him back, he had EVERY right to know the truth.

Took SI, reading, and digging deep within myself to figure this out!

BS (Me): 37
WH: 40

Dday: March 2011 (found out EA Phone records)
2nd Dday: June 18, 2011 (OW told me about WH secret phone)
3rd Dday: December 13, 2012 (found evidence WH stalking Ow on FB)
4th Dday: February 4, 2013 (confession of 2nd secret

Posts: 99 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: East Coast
♀ Member
Member # 39217
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Yes they had an EA for quite a while that I found out about, lots of fighting that led to a short separation because he didn't see the problem with it but had lied about even talking to her his best friend got close to me (my sister & I thought he was spying for WH because he wanted to go with us when we did stuff...weird right). WH & I got back together pretty quick but the agreement was neither of us talk to the EA person (I found out H didn't know his friend was hanging out so it really had become an EA though unintentionally). The OW then called our home phone (H swears he doesn't know how she got it) about a month after R Needing to talk to him because she might have cancer she didn't. He talked to her & wouldn't let me tell her not to call. I got mad & *wrongly* called his friend & bitched about it...his friend said some inappropriate things so I sent him an email telling him no more, I was back in my marriage & that was it. H found the sent email 5 months later flipped out & called OW. I tried to explain & apologize but he had me move to our spare room...I did, he was talking to OW while saying we'll see what happens. He then decided I needed to move out, I begged not to.
We kept talking he never commited to D or R. A month later he had a gf (OW's middle name) but pointed out I could check phone records he was no longer talking to OW. I found out two months later that OW was his "roommate" he needed the rent money she paid rent once in 8mo. He swore she was only roommate & said he and *middle name* did not have sex etc much less him & OW. We R'ed but OW did not move out for another 4mo (after he wouldn't make her leave I refused to go back, we moved from that house). Things never fit right but I wanted R...I love him.
Now 5yrs later when he gets caught sexting etc (swears he never met anyone just texted & emailed) I got him to admit the *middle name* never existed...he made her up so I wouldn't know it was OW & that she was living there and once I knew OW was there he just kept up the lie about gf They did have sex more than once in the house I was still helping pay for I feel like I paid her to screw my H
He (again) swear that after we R'ed but before he finally made her leave nothing happened but I struggle with that too
Idk I just feel sooo lost sick etc...I feel like I am dealing with two separate issues but at the same time one, I am having trouble separating what he was doing this time from that mostly because he lied to me so easily & I believed him because I wanted to think he wouldn't do either of the things he has done

WH 29
1 Child
Married 11 yrs
D-Day: 4/9/13 he cheated in '08 & now + trickle truth & tons of lies 6/27 Found more, swears I really do have the whole truth now.
2/2/14 found out seems the TT never ends.
Trying to R

Posts: 71 | Registered: May 2013
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It depends.

I'd consider it to be cheating if one partner considers it cheating.

But I've been separated for two years, and don't consider it cheating. I'm not dating (but am reaching the point where it's on my mind), but my husband is. And while I have utter disdain for his methods (he's still an Adult Friend Finders kind of guy), it doesn't feel at all like cheating to me.

Our marriage is irrevocably over. He can do what he wants. And I would not feel even the slightest twinge about dating at this point.

Other men, however, might view me as off-limits, and I respect that.

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8841 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
♀ Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My personal opinion is to stop yielding the benefit of the doubt to morally bankrupt people... period.
It's this kind of crazy making that BS's fall prey to and it needs to stop when you put your foot down and decide to stop playing into the madness.

In a lying, cheat's mind, it's not cheating if you're separated. Or.. it's not cheating if you're in a different zipcode. Or.. it's not cheating if they did it drunk. Or.. etc. etc. etc. See the pattern?

You both have rings, you both still have 50/50 marital assets and accountability, you both are Mr. and Mrs. and nobody told the other they could go fucking someone else, or if there was any doubt in the matter, a simple phone call or email question could have sufficed.

In the end, it's just MORE wayward bullshit and we shouldn't even be asking such questions or getting into the CRAZY making cheaters try to spin on their betrayed mates.


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
♀ Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess it would be up to what the couple agrees to. When Mr Lucky and I separated we agreed "NO OW", or anyone else for that matter.

anv5, in your situation I would absolutely agree it's cheating.

♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥

Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Totally agree with MediumRare. 100%. And with solus - if you think it is cheating? It's cheating. And clearly, he set you up to make it "not cheating" but it is still cheating. And his defense of his actions show he is not at all remorseful. Be careful.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ Member
Member # 10002
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've changed my mind with the more information you posted. It was cheating. He had a OW. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this at the same time!

Posts: 1060 | Registered: Mar 2006
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