I feel sorry for all of you with little kids which means you have to deal with these fuckwads all the time and they have no idea why mommy and daddy are not together anymore and you can't tell them the real reason. I can't imagine how frustrating that has got to be. But I feel sorry too for those of us with older kids who do know what happened and who still make a conscious, adult decision to play along with the parent who broke up the family, and accept the wrong. It is so incredibly hurtful that my child made this decision to condone what his dad did by allowing the OW to share a meal with them. The one and only damn consequence that the asshole ex and his whore could possibly suffer is that they would not have a happy little family that included my son (her grown son does accept them, so no consequence there). That was the ONLY fucking consequence was that she was pissed as all hell that my son would not accept her. I heard through the grapevine that she was really pissed to find out my son told his dad that he did not want to ever go out with her again. But that one single fucking consequence was blown out of the water tonight. Now these mean selfish assholes don't even have that consequence for the wrong that they did to me. They are happy as 2 pigs in shit (and I ain't talking figuratively) - no consequences for their wrong doings. The one and only consequence has now been fixed too the minute my son sat down at that table in that restaurant with that bitch.
But what is worse is that now I am supposed to suffer all this in silence - I can't say anything to my son. I have to be wronged by someone I love once again in my life, and once again I didn't do anything to deserve it and once again I can't change it and once again I can't say a damn thing about it.
My IC and a million articles I read said that I can't put my son in the middle. I totally understand that and I totally agree with it too. I am not trying to come between him and his dad (although the relationship is already strained because my son said his dad fell off his pedestal when he had an affair and abandoned me), and I truly do not care if he has dinner every night of the week with his dad. I just feel so betrayed that he allowed that bitch to come to dinner with him and his dad. I feel like that knife in my back just turned a 100 more times. My son made a conscious, adult, on his own decision to do something that he KNEW would hurt my feelings immensely.
I can't stop crying and even though I have not posted in forever, I needed my SI family tonight.
"Obladi oblada life goes on...."
Your son, tho he may be an adult, is still young enough hat he may not know how to set boundaries and enforce them, and it sounds like asshole Dad has figured out how to manipulate him. I can't imagine your son either invited or welcomed that bitch.
How awtul for you. I'm glad you were able to come here and share and vent.
(((Hugs))). Hang in there FC. You don't deserve what you've been through, never mind this insult. Try to focus on you now. Remember the 180? Put that fucktard and slut out of your mind. Do something nice for you. Take care of you and try to ignore what you can't contol.
Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.
it sounds like asshole Dad has figured out how to manipulate him. I can't imagine your son either invited or welcomed that bitch.
It doesn't make it hurt any less, though, does it?
Sending big hugs.
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot
Unfortunately for our kids the only way they'll be able to have any sort of relationship with their father is to tolerate the OW.
In may ways you too are in a position that the only way to have a relationship with your son is to tolerate him spending time with the OW.
My 5 year old is already expressing her sadness that she doesn't get any alone time with her dad. I think that is incredibly sad.
I know you're hurting and I know you feel betrayed. I have no words that will soften this. I would feel betrayed and hurt too.
I will say that OW is not the problem. She didn't break up your family, the X did. If it wasn't her it would have been some other low hanging fruit.
Sometimes you need to pick your battles. Decide which battle you are willing to die on your sword for.
You are entitled to feel your feelings but it is not healthy for you to carry this anger/hurt around with you.
You don't have to tolerate it. You could cut your son out of your life. But that would be biting your nose of to spite your face.
Please try to see this for what it is. He wants a relationship with his father. His father insists that the OW is not excluded (either overtly or subtly).
I do not believe he is trying to hurt you nor do I believe that this is act is of the level of betrayal his father put you through.
He is as stuck as you are. He could choose to cut his father out of his life but he chooses not to. He chooses to tolerate the OW instead.
((FeelingConsumed)) This is in no way intended to be a 2x4. I really want you to avoid getting into a no-win situation. You either lose your son or you put up with this agony and suffer in silence.
I want you to know those aren't the only options. You will start thinking about that once the shock and hurt dulls a little.
Remember, she is not the one who did this. The X is. That is not to say she isn't culpable nor does it abdicate her guilt here. But none of this helps you.
I am reminded of the famous quote:
“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
FWIW I think its awful that you didn't hear it from him. The whole situation is awful. I'm so very sorry friend.
And FWIW, I share the sentiment that betrayel is made worse when a person doesn't tell another.
I have a young daughter in elementary school who is trying to figure out if she has a place in her father's life anymore and who he has become.
It may be similar to what your son is going through and I wonder if he felt disloyal to you but yes, doesn't want to lose his father somehow.
STBX/Perv that I know of hasn't introduced DD to OW yet, but continues to tell me "it will happen" and I will have no say in the matter, like other things he's changing in DD's life without my input or consent.
It does sound like your son was/is manipulated and I'm sorry. He sounds like a people pleaser who got stuck and I wonder if he even knew OW would be present?
My best "weapon" is silence, FWIW and not letting Perv know how much he continues to hurt me. It takes more strength than I usually know I have, but then I get some pride back when a storm passes and maybe you can too.
I blamed things solely on OW for a time as well, but it was actually Perv who left our family and not her. It took me a long time to realize that he isn't who I thought and had a "hand in it too".
The times, they are'a changin'! -Bob Dylan
None of my kids like the OW being around, the day she and my ex break up will be the last time they deal with her, but meanwhile I know that she doesn't even begin to compare to me and my relationship with them and the same goes for your you and your son. You are the woman he he admires and loves and its important you maintain that for him....you have way more class than she will ever have and your son knows that...one day when he thinks about the qualities he wants in a wife, it won't be the OW's
Well, I find out that today he went out to eat with his dad for Father's Day and the bitch joined them!!!
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön
I guess I did come across as only talking about the bitch, but believe me, I am pissed at both of them, mostly my ex because you are right - it would have just been another low hanging fruit (funny) if it wasn't her. My ex allowed the destruction of his family to occur. It is definitely on his shoulders. It just bothers me so much because my son not being around her was like the only consequence that my ex had to suffer. But now that my son allowed the bitch to sit at the same table with him, even that only consequence is now gone. My ex now does not have to suffer anything for his actions - his one punishment has now been removed. Now he can realize his dream of having his son included in his new family. They have everything - new love life, new cars, new house, and now they have a new intact family that includes his bitch and my son.
It is so hurtful that evil seems to have triumphed. I just don't feel like the universe is right when people can do such evil things and come out on top while those of us who have done nothing but been good to others, always took care of everyone, always sacrificed for the sake of our families, we are the ones who come out on the shit end - broken hearts, broken finances, broken mental stability - and we never did anything to deserve any of that. And the one and only consequence the evildoers had to suffer was that my son did not want to be around ex's bitch - something that upset both my ex and whore immensely. Well, that consequence is now gone so they have to suffer nothing for all the hell they put everyone through.
My son sat there through that dinner, and I'm sure he didn't enjoy it, but it doesn't matter, he still sat there and by his submission to the situation silently condoned their actions. If my dad had done this to my mom, there is no way in hell I would have stayed - I would have reminded my dad that I said I didn't want to be near her, just he and I only will meet again in a few days for dinner, and I would have walked out of the restaurant. I would have worried about my mom's feelings more than my dad's. If my dad would stop seeing me because of an OW, then that would be on my dad for allowing some whore to come between him and his daughter. I feel the same way about my son and his dad. I am not wanting my son to stop seeing his dad because that is his dad, and they should have a relationship, but the bitch is nothing to my son - just a homewrecking whore. My son owes her nothing. I can't stand my son sitting making nice with the bitch who had no qualms flirting with or accepting the flirts from a married man. They are both major assholes, but one of the assholes is still my son's dad and he does need to have him in his life, but not the bitch. I was happy that my son took that stand, but now my son has stepped down from that stand and it hurts.
I understand my son is worried about "losing his dad", but I guess that is really what is hurting is that he is more worried about that than worried about me, his mom, the person who was wronged in this whole ordeal. Why wouldn't he put my feelings above those of his wayward dad? I'm not the one who fell off the pedestal in his eyes.
Maybe I will feel better as the day goes on. I doubt it. I haven't felt this level of pain for a long time - I was actually making progress. I feel like I have been knocked back several steps now.
Thanks for listening to me. It definitely feels good to get this out.
Gently, your son has a right to BOTH his parents. You cannot keep pushing him to take on your anger. It's not fair to him. You need to stop it now or your relationship with your son will be the one to suffer.
Also the amount of anger is hurting you too. Your X isn't suffering because of your anger. You are. While you're there suffering, he is still cracking jokes, laughing, ect. Letting go of him is a gift to yourself. If your current IC isn't helping much, find another. Exercise is a great angry activity.
What do you like to do? Find something you always wanted to do and do it!! I scuba dive now! Your life is now a beautiful blank canvas that you can paint anyway you wish. Don't waste that gift on him. He's already proven he's not worth it. But you are.
I've made a huge mistake - GOB
Maybe his dad didn't tell him the OW was joining them, and then he felt trapped - on Father's Day - to stay.
Or maybe he is desperate not to lose his dad - despite how horrible he has been.
Please don't even consider letting this put a wedge between you and your son.
He is in a bit of a mess as well.
I'm so sorry for your pain.
I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy