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User Topic: Why do we blame OW/OM?
Daysie
♀ Member
Member # 38873
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 4mths out of DDay and I am struggling with me WH and his lack of memory about his affair with my now EXBF - 32yrs ago.
My problem is - she told me more about the A than he could remember. I really don't feel anything for her now but pure vile but I read lots of posts here that attack the OW/OM. For me its about my WH and the choices he made to go sneaking to her home for sex. I can't get past this - is there something wrong with me that I blame him more ?????


Me BS 56
Him WH 56
M 36yrs
A 32yrs ago with my then BF
DD 1 / DS 1
Who is this man ??????


Posts: 85 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't blame any of the OW. I only blame my STBX. I do fault any OW who knew my STBX was married but boffed him anyway. But that's on her conscience for her to deal with, assuming she has a conscience. He owns all the cheating. Since I know what a world-class liar he is, I'm sure that some OW had/have no idea he is or was married.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9307 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Different people here feel differently about blaming the OM/OW. Some feel the same way you do- that the blame is on the WH, and don't care about the OP. Some are deeply offended by the OP, and I think that depends on their personal situation in large part.

Why do I blame the OP? For the same reason I would be angry with someone if they walked up to me and hit me in the face with a crowbar. I don't care if my partner said it is okay- who does that to someone else?

Of course, that's not to say I don't blame the person who I am in a relationship with and am not holding them responsible at all.

My DD's dad had a few OW- one of whom was so crazy and threatening towards me and my daughter (she threatened to kill us, stalked our house, etc...) that I had to get a restraining order. I ABSOLUTELY have a ton of very negative feelings towards her. That as it may be- she is somebody who I don't ever see or talk to (she legally cannot contact me, third party contact me, or come within 500 ft. of me of my child for any reason), so I don't really have to think about her. Of course I am mad at DD's dad as well for bringing that person into my life and risking my daughter and my safety like that- but he is someone who I have forgiven because I have to co-parent with him. I don't have to forgive her at all, so I don't.

My current fiancÚ cyber cheated with women who he lied to as well- they had no idea he was in a relationship. I have no hostility towards any of those people. One of them comes into the clinic that I work at and I see her sometimes. I am triggered when I see her, but am not mad at her at all. He never met her in person, and she didn't know about me at all.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
Daysie
♀ Member
Member # 38873
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do have real anger towards my now EXBF - she was also married and we both had young babies at the time. I just feel that my WH has lived with me for 32yrs, knowing what he did and always telling me he has never loved anyone but me . So now after all this time I just think he is a total B*****d and blame, blame, blame him for tearing my whole life apart. My EXBF is still happily married and living the high life . Had the police contact me after I tried to get further information from her


Me BS 56
Him WH 56
M 36yrs
A 32yrs ago with my then BF
DD 1 / DS 1
Who is this man ??????


Posts: 85 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
clralb
♀ Member
Member # 17185
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't blame the little troll. I did phone her, though, and told her ex was married. She didn't seem to care and denied, denied, denied.

Who the hell knows what the ex told her. Doesn't matter now. Heard through grape vine he dumped her ass. I feel sorry for his next girlfriend.


BS Divorced.

They were right about you.


Posts: 676 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: southeast
inconnu
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't blame OW/wifetress more than I blame ex, but it's not like she bears no responsibility for going after a married man. Seriously, I think she could have been anyone. This one just happened to come along at the right time for ex. Ex is to blame for his own choices, just as wifetress is responsible for hers.

And hey, they both blamed me, so why shouldn't I blame them back?

[This message edited by inconnu at 6:31 PM, June 16th (Sunday)]


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12124 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
SeeThingsNow1
♀ Member
Member # 38241
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i think when the ow or om knows the person they are messing around with is married - they both have the blame equally...of course as many say - you're only married to one and usually end up getting way madder at that one!

Posts: 106 | Registered: Jan 2013
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is a recent thread on the subject.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=498700&HL=30024

This subject comes up often here. This is just one of the most recent threads discussing it.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9404 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, for a very short time, it was simply easier to blame OW than him.

You see, I didn't know her and I had love for him that took some time for him to kill (that's been done.) I had something of my own fog about him and her, and soon blocked myself from having to hear about her. He worked very hard to create that fog for me, on purpose and for a long time.

It was more clear-cut to blame her and do the old, "she should know better" routine.

Now, FWIW, five months past DDay, I work at not thinking of her because it makes her important or real, if I do, and I don't even want to think she walks the earth like the rest of us do. I don't want her to be real, but probably it would have been another one as he was out seeking revenge and a "good time".


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Spelljean
♀ Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find I blame both WH and OW. They both took up an equal portion of space in my head for different reasons. WH for the personal betrayal and disregard for his wife and daughter and OW much the same as a stranger taking part in hurting me and not having the decency to walk away.

Had OW walked away and refused to take part in hurting me and my daughter, then WH would have been forced to deal with his issues.

Then again, he could have gone out and found someone else to give him that ego boost....but that still doesn't excuse any OW. OW was an enabler if you ask me. I imagine a world where all potential OW just walk away and refuse to get involved and then the BH are faced with themselves head on. Will never happen but enablers are never guilt free in my opinion.


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
BEM817
♀ Member
Member # 35104
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I blame them both. At 15 months out, I find that I am even angrier at OW than on DDay. Don't get me wrong, I've reserved a great deal of anger for my WH, but I find now that my reaction towards him is more sadness and loss. As far as OW, she made advances even tough she knew he was married with children. I know he is at blame for giving in, but just prior to their A becoming physical, he admitted to me that he told her he couldn't continue it and needed to get back to his family. The little gutter pig then upped the ante and began sexting him. He was weak and gave in and so it began...
So yes, I lay equal blame on them both, but my hatred at 15 months out is solely reserved for her...


Married 14 years, together for 20
BS Me - 42
WS Husband - 43
Two Kids 8 & 9
DDay 3/15/12 8 month EA. PA for 5 of those months.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Mar 2012
dameia
♀ Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't blame the hookers, they were doing a job. Distasteful, yes, but that's just who they are.

I do blame howorker. She KNEW he was married with kids and aggressively pursued him without a thought to the lives she was destroying. She got him drunk and dragged him to a hotel room. She is absolutely to blame, she even admitted it to me. That doesn't mean I think WH is blameless, not at all. But she carries an equal load in that situation.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz


Posts: 1102 | Registered: Jul 2012
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Equal blame. They al knew he was married.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Aussiescot
♀ New Member
Member # 39265
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Obviously we blame our WS for their 50% of the betrayal BUT ultimately the 'physical' act rests on the decision of the female.....& if that particular female knows the WS is married & still thinks its 'all systems go' she will receive more blame & deserves it! IMHO the female is the 'only' one in power to give the green light!


BS 39
4 DD's
DD 2012
New life started march 2014, false R! Still on the rollercoaster but will ride it out until the end.....because that's just how I roll

Posts: 47 | Registered: May 2013
wildbananas
♀ Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I always ultimately blamed ex-asshat. He knew he was married. He knew it was wrong.

That's not to say I think the OW were blameless, because they weren't. But I know with absolute certainty, if it hadn't have been them, it would have been others. It wasn't them... the ultimate responsibility rested on him.


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15362 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
IAmPsycho
♀ Member
Member # 39337
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Daysie,
Our stories are similar. My DDAY was 12 years ago, and I hoped to be over it by now. Am I still going to be thinking of this in another 15-20 years? Yikes!

Also my story included my BFF too. I am still amazed that he snuck out to go see her too. But I blame both because they both betrayed me. The OW betrayed my friendship. I blame her for lying to me, and being a fake.

That does not mean I blame my WH less. I blame him for betraying me too. And he has to live with me everyday, so he gets to deal with this mess a lot more.


BS (me) 43
WS (him) 48
Married 25 years
Reconciling for 12 years
DDAY 01-16-01
A with my best friend
Lots of children from 24-4 weeks old

Posts: 62 | Registered: May 2013
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I willingly walk into a bank with my friend who intends to rob it and all I do is hand the note to the teller while my friend points the gun, am I any less guilty?


Affairs are wrong.

My WH had and A...he was wrong.

MOW had an A with my WH...she was wrong.

When two people knowingly do something wrong they are equally to blame.

I only wish MOW had to endure my wrath on a daily basis because I would have gladly doled that out equally.

[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 11:06 PM, June 16th (Sunday)]


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2092 | Registered: Nov 2011
anonymous823
♀ Member
Member # 39433
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think we all blame our mates but in most cases come to realize that the OM/OW was a co-conspirator rather than a victim. In my case, the OW knew all along that I existed and admitted that my F never lied about his relationship status but since she was seeking a green card she didn't care. Therefore, I hold her partially responsible, though it was my F who chose to betray me.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Jun 2013
Bobbi_sue
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 2:16 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

is there something wrong with me that I blame him more ?????
Of course not and I can't really think of one case I've read on on SI where the BS holds their own WS blameless, and puts it all on the OP.

Because some of us vent about the OP, and place even SOME blame on the OP, seems to be interpreted by some as mainly blaming the OP, and then we get told that that person didn't make vows to us...so of course that makes them neutral and essentially blamesless.

In the same way, I'm not supposed to blame a robber for burglarizing the neighborhood, he didn't vow to any of us that he wouldn't do that, so what is the big deal? Bad people are bad people and I think it is fine to blame them for whatever they have done, including attempting to break up marriages, even though it takes two to have an A.

The filthy trailer trash whore from my case pursued him when he was out of his mind with grief after losing his mother and DD. She directly lied to me, telling me she was looking to rent an apartment from me because her husband was "abusive" and she was leaving. She even tried to appeal to my sympathy, asking if I would lower the rent to make it more affordable to her! All the while, she was planning for it to be a love nest for her and my H.

And then I hear the argument if I refer to the whore as filthy trailer trash, I must have the same ugly words for my own H! I disagree. I decided to stay with my H based on his extreme remorse. I realized early on that I must be able to forgive him completely if I want a happy marriage with him, for my own sake as well as his. If what he did is unforgivable, then the decision (for me) would be to divorce. He has worked extremely hard to earn back my trust, along with forgiveness, and I feel good about my decision to give him another chance. He has been a wonderful H to me in the 7 years since his A.

The whore? I highly doubt she is remorseful. She is angry that she got caught, he threw her under the bus, and she had to go skulking back to her original meal ticket (the supposedly abusive H). I have never seen the point of forgiving someone who is not even sorry for what they did, so she remains a subhuman trailer trash whore in my book.

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 2:24 AM, June 17th (Monday)]


Posts: 5684 | Registered: Apr 2006
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 3:39 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We blame the OP because its easier than blaming our WS. When you get to the point of really putting blame where it belongs (On the WS) you also have to admit that your choices in life were wrong. That you M a defective person. Like it or not your spouse is a reflection of yourself. Easier to throw the shit at another person than to admit that your wonderful WH is a fuck up. JMHO


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5567 | Registered: Nov 2007
Topic Posts: 34
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