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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part 3...
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chrysalis and 7rs,

Actually that is what I need to hear--healthy thoughts, empowering envisioning. Not anger, not vindictiveness. These keep me in the pointless painless cycle.

You are wise. I look forward to the day I have truly survived this, reached the holy grail of indifference, and can join the ranks of those who guide others through their journey.

Thanks again.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1586 | Registered: Dec 2012
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you. YOU just gave yourself the best gift for Father's Day that you can imagine. It may not seem like it, as she continues to play out as much drama as possible, but remember what she has done, and how she has hurt your kids. Allow that to give you strength.

Keep up the good work.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8145 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
velveteer
♂ Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're doing good AD - stick with it and forget about what she is thinking. feeling. doing. It's no longer important to YOU.

And even if it is - fake it til you make it. It works (trust me on this).

Daydream about a happy future without her - indulge yourself. Do the things you always wanted to do. Then pick some elemnets from that and keep them with you in your mind. I did this - focused on a new place to live - it helped me through darker days thinking about my new home and what it would be like.

My actual future - well I got to keep the marital home so now I set about making it the way I want it. Doesn't matter if that future is the one that pans out - just have some kind of a vision no matter what it is. And then hang onto it.

V



Divorced

Posts: 870 | Registered: Jan 2011
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Everyone. Heading to my wonderful therapist. Agenda: ME.

But if I can return to one of my previous posts asking for predictions on upcoming reactions from STBXWW (notice this is the first time I am using this acronym? :-), just got the first reaction via text: "I don't know how to handle all this. Can't concentrate."

Read: Pity party. Help me.

I did not even respond.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1586 | Registered: Dec 2012
debbysbaby
♀ Member
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I don't know how to handle all this. Can't concentrate."

Think this: Waaahhhhh! Grow up and quit acting like a lower muppet.

Actual response: chirp chirp


[This message edited by debbysbaby at 12:28 PM, June 17th (Monday)]


-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 858 | Registered: Aug 2011
philly172
♀ Member
Member # 19024
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

prediction? I'll give you my thoughts.. your sitch sounds a lot like mine was.. it is a little different but when I read your description of the OM & their
'relationship' something clicked..

OW in my case was married, with a baby.. most of the A was conducted at work & after work.. I don't know how much sex was involved (WH has ED) but they (WH & OW) texted CONSTANTLY!!! They were in luuuuvvvv & were planning a life together (all talk.. like high school) OW loved the feeling WH gave her.. She loved the attention WH gave her..

BUT.....


Once WH filed for D from me, EVERYTHING changed.. OW no longer wanted the relationship & even went so far as to file harassment charges against WH..

She liked the mystery, the A excitement.. she didn't want him to be free..

My feeling is the OM in your case could possibly feel the same way.. he likes the A, the occasional sex, but doesn't want any commitment from your WW.. OM doesn't want to deal with any parenting responsibilities..

The reason your WW isn't breaking off the A is she hasn't had any consequences for the A.. you have let it keep going on for 2 years & have done nothing...

I predict if you file for D, their (OM & WW) relationship will change .. WW will hate not having you to fall back on anymore & OM will possibly run for the hills to avoid committing to her..

Filing doesn't mean you have to follow through with the D, it just gets the ball rolling & in many cases awakens the WS..

Even tho my WH was the one who filed the D opened his & OW eyes & less than 10 days after he filed we were back together trying to work on the M.. (we are still together 5 years later & WH has never cheated since)

This is just MY prediction..

[This message edited by philly172 at 1:11 PM, June 17th (Monday)]


"Sorry" works when a mistake is made, but not when trust is broken. So in life, make mistakes, but never break trust. Because forgiving is easy, but forgetting & trusting again is sometimes impossible

Posts: 4779 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Not in Philly.. it's just a screen name :-)
JamieMc
♀ Member
Member # 37776
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Dad, I imagine Father's Day was tough for you. Even though my WH & I are working hard to R, I still miss my Dad and he passed away almost 10 years ago :( Please stop worrying about how your WW is going to react/deal with her emotions now. Whether she & OM " make it ", long term shouldn't be your concern! Don't mean to be harsh but continue to work on you and your kiddos and FTB! I envision you breaking free of your WW's hold on you and ADad being an ear/lifeline to member's of SI in the future!! Hug your kids, be strong and know you have lots of virtual friends in your corner, Dad:) All the best Jamie


BS early 50's Wh also early 50's. I am Jamie, Mom to 3 great teens/young adults. My WH and I have been together more than half of our lives and married 25+. We are in MC & going to give R our best shot, hoping and praying for a better 2013!

Posts: 112 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: USA
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for the encouragement.

Today has been a rough day, as it always is after therapy. Had an early morning appointment so she saw me at my sobbing worst. When she asked why I arrived like that I told her that mornings are always the worst:

You wake up with the same person for over ten years, and then that person is no longer there. And the person you want to tell about this pain and find some comfort from is the very one who has brought about the pain.

It's a deep almost existential pain, you know? A world you were not always so aware of is abruptly gone. Family, wife, security.

Anyway, a "great" therapy session in any case. It always takes a day or two just to recover from therapy! But I am not feeling strong or empowered, just grief stricken that my marriage is really concluding. I have the kids for five days and I feel guilty because I am not really engaged with them. Everything seems overwhelming: cooking, cleaning, laundry, bedtime rituals--everything I always had a teammate for.

Sorry for the self-pity. Just needed to express.....

Thank you.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1586 | Registered: Dec 2012
heartbroken_kk
♀ Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Abbondad, I know what you mean about therapy making you feel unsettled and emotionally wrung out.

Once I identified the timing of my meltdowns coincided with IC, I talked to my IC at the next session about what to do about it. My IC, while getting into some very deep stuff, is also practical and focuses not just on how I feel but what I DO. Of course these are related but....

Your behavior is something you actually have a LOT of control over, in contrast to thoughts, memories, and feelings which for me anyway, arrive uninvited and tend to hang around way too long, like bad house guests.

So we discussed different options I had in modifying my behavior before, immediately after, and somewhat later after therapy, so help me through those rough hours or days.

Possibilities included a lot of really basic self care, but also "tricks" I could play on myself so I could snap out of the blahs, blues, paralysis, and sobbing. For example:

Eat protein for breakfast instead of carbs so I didn't get a blood sugar crash right after I got out of session.

Leave 5 minutes earlier than I need to so I am not anxious in the car just because I'm worried about being late.

Reschedule my mid day. Do not see, speak to, read texts or emails or otherwise interact with WS for at least X hours after session so I avoid unneccessary triggers when I am raw.

Plan exercise, such as walking the dog, a bike ride, or chopping wood for my first activity after session.

Call my sister to listen to her tell me about her life. This allowed my mind to put therapy into the subconscious for a while while I was distracted.

Set an alarm on my phone for 90 minutes after session and take my second dose of AD meds that day a couple hours earlier than usual.

A rule; If I have to cry, I have to also make tea. Crying is OK, but once the mug is empty my tears would usually dry up. If not, another mug of tea. It ritualized my meltdowns. It acknowledged them. It gave me not just permission to cry, but a format for doing so. Hey, my life sucks. I hurt dammit. If I need to cry, it is legit! Get it done in style, with love and care for me and what I am coping with.

Shower. Wash that shit down the drain. Soap or no soap, shampoo or not. Doesn't matter. Get under the water. Then dry off, lotion, clean comfy clothes, and step outside into the air. It's about your skin. You live in it. It holds you in. Help it get soft and flexible. Stretch some muscles. Breathe 15 super deep breaths to purge stale air and bring fresh in.

Find something visually pleasing to look at. Grass, trees, the dog, your mug. Focus on the details of what your eyes are drawn to. Study them.

Anyway, you probably get my point. Meltdowns happen. But you have a life to live so best to shorten their duration, lessen their severity, and not wallow. Don't let them consume you.

You will get through this. We are all here to assure you. We got through it, so will you. Find a way to get through therapy and the next six hours, by aknowledging the stress and caring for YOU during this tough time.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1118 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 1:36 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abbondad, what Heartbroken_KK said is AWESOME advice... I know all about those meltdowns, they are part of what happens. Taking a practical approach to them will lessen their power over you.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 859 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Friends,

I had to speak with my wife on the phone to discuss our son's upcoming appointment with his child psychologist. (I know, email/text only. But this really required a dialogue. I have returned promptly to the 180.)

He is nine and has been talking about death: "Daddy, I'm afraid you're going to kill yourself," and the other night "I don't want to die." Nine. Years. Old. I am not sure how to take this--maybe it is a manifestation of his fear of abandonment--but I am very alarmed and frightened. So I am glad we could set up an appt. for tomorrow morning.

So after this topic, the crumbs of hope start flying:

"I am not doing well," tearfully.

"I haven't filled out the financial affidavit."

And best of all: "I am going to set up an appointment for therapy!"

Uh huh. Good. Ok. See you tomorrow at the doc's.

Nevertheless of course I was torn up after the call, but this morning I feel better. It seems I recuperate more quickly than I used to.

I am busy getting all the paperwork on my end set up so we can get this thing done already. We are going to try mediation, but with attorneys. 3000.00 plus attorney fees.

This is so incredibly hard.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1586 | Registered: Dec 2012
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stay strong. You did well.
Did you see what she was doing to you? Do you see the manipulation? When you really do it will make being indifferent to her much easier.

Good luck with your son today too. He may just be really looking at what death is, and realizing what it means. Many kids lack the ability to understand what it is until they are around his age. Constant reassurance is the best medicine, esp when it comes to him expressing his fear of you being suicidal. This is why it is so important for you to keep your shit together in front of them.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8145 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
little turtle
♀ Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's still full of herself... all 3 of your quotes from her start with "I." Don't waste your hope on her being worried about herself. And none of those quotes show any action that has been done towards rebuilding your relationship.

You've come a long way. I was once in your place. SI threw 1,000s of 2x4s at me trying to get me to see reality. I held on to hope for WAY longer than I should have. I settled for WAY less than I deserved. Like you, I took every crumb I could find. We all have to make our own mistakes and walk our own paths. One day you'll be where I am now, looking back and seeing yourself in someone else. And realizing how far you've come!

I've been following along and I'm proud of the changes I see you making for yourself and your family. Keep up with NC and 180. Continue to get your paperwork done and as you said yourself, "get this thing done already."


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4143 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
toomanyregrets
♂ Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ahh ! the reality is finally setting in.
No more "plan B", that's you, to fall back on.
Your moving on and your WW can't handle it.
Keep moving on and if she has a change of heart, it will be up to her to catch up.


BH - 64
fWW - 59

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 457 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jaime:

I still miss my Dad and he passed away almost 10 years ago

Thank you. It's just that much harder to go through this without them. My parents and I were very close and their life revolved around happiness for their children.

My father has been gone for around eight years, my mom for three.

Ironically they loved my wife as a daughter and she loved them. (Well, I guess one could refute this in light of the fact that she has destroyed their son and grandchildren.)

With this in mind, I called my brother today and asked him how mom and dad would react if they were here today. His response sobered me: "How would they react? Don't you know? They would be suffering terribly--suffering from her betrayal of our family and suffering watching you prolong the suffering. Leave her, they would have said, leave her. Find a good woman. Leave her, grieve, and move on with your life."

Now, my parents were of a very different generation. Very opposed to divorce on principle--if only for the same of the children. But this was always superseded by one of my mom's many mantras: "If someone doesn't want me, I don't want them."

And that's that. A hundred books on relationships couldn't express it better.

So now I have added my parents' voices to the chorus in my head; they are helping me through this.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1586 | Registered: Dec 2012
PanicAttack53
♂ Member
Member # 34195
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nevertheless of course I was torn up after the call, but this morning I feel better. It seems I recuperate more quickly than I used to.

YES Finally! This is real progress AD and you must build on it. Each day now will bring an additional measure of detachment that will ultimately allow you to break away completely from the bonds that tied you to the past. You are on a *NEW* and exciting journey now. Understand fully that this is a journey you *must* make for you and your kids. Also that there is no going back, only movement forward to a new and rewarding life without stbxWW. You *CAN* do this AD!

PEACE Brother


Me-BH Her-XWW | B/ 60 | D final on 10/1/13 I'm Lovin' life again!
Rest of the story really doesn't matter any more.
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have.” ― Eckhart Tolle

Posts: 868 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Midwest
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just poking my head in to cheer you on, AD. I feel like you've really turned a corner, and I am so very relieved that you have. Keep up the 180 and NC.

This is so incredibly hard.
And you are so incredibly strong. Argue all you like, but you ARE strong. You can do this - you ARE doing this. One step at a time.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24961 | Registered: Aug 2011
JamieMc
♀ Member
Member # 37776
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey AD, glad my message about the loss of my Dad encouraged you to talk to your brother:) I think he gave you great advice because your parents would have wanted you to be happy and secure in your life! Isn't it what all good Mom's Dad's want for their kiddos ? My kids are older than your young ones but it is what is most important to me...that they feel safe secure & loved! All the best Jamie


BS early 50's Wh also early 50's. I am Jamie, Mom to 3 great teens/young adults. My WH and I have been together more than half of our lives and married 25+. We are in MC & going to give R our best shot, hoping and praying for a better 2013!

Posts: 112 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: USA
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...and here comes Phase II: anger.

I started to tell my wife of the divorce mediators openings for next week.

She angrily cut me off: "I don't want to talk about this right now. I will call you later."

Click.

(Yes we had to speak on the phone in detail about our son who is seeing his psychologist as I write this.)

I am feeling very upset--actually scared of her reaction I am embarrassed to say.

I am sure she is furious now that she sees I am actually following through after so many empty threats in the last year.

In any case, again, I have a lot of anxiety right now.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1586 | Registered: Dec 2012
velveteer
♂ Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD - this is excellent. THIS is real progress. You are recognising the progress too - that your recovery time is reducing. This is what it is all about. Keep going- it will keep improving.

And I second NIK's comments - yes it is hard, but you are strong - you ARE doing it.

good man
V


Divorced

Posts: 870 | Registered: Jan 2011
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