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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part 3...
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone,

Had a really good IC session. No cap and gown yet, but I am as ready as I ever will be to move through this process toward my new life.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1622 | Registered: Dec 2012
JamieMc
♀ Member
Member # 37776
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good to hear, (((hugs))) to you and your kiddos! All the best Jamie


BS early 50's Wh also early 50's. I am Jamie, Mom to 3 great teens/young adults. My WH and I have been together more than half of our lives and married 25+. We are in MC & going to give R our best shot, hoping and praying for a better 2013!

Posts: 112 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: USA
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe she'll send him another pic of her breasts.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 405 | Registered: Sep 2011
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

As the eleventh hour approaches (mediation begins Tuesday), my wife wants to "talk" about whether "it could work between us."

"If you have closed your mind," she says, "then I am prepared to go in another direction."

I assume this means she will marry or move in with the POS. This is just another way of saying, "You are still just a choice."

No remorse. No responsibility. No way.

And I have had my clarity over the last forty eight hours. Finally. Even if she did do everything--which she is far from able or willing to do or sustain, since she utterly lacks empathy--I no longer want her back.

I have


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1622 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

As the eleventh hour approaches (mediation begins Tuesday), my wife wants to "talk" about whether "it could work between us."

"If you have closed your mind," she says, "then I am prepared to go in another direction."

I assume this means she will marry or move in with the POS. This is just another way of saying, "You are still just a choice."

No remorse. No responsibility. No way.

And I have had my clarity over the last forty eight hours. Finally. Even if she did do everything--which she is far from able or willing to do or sustain, since she utterly lacks empathy--I no longer want her back.

I have a very clear vision of my life with her and I don't want it. I will never trust her again. Never. And that's the least of it. She simply doesn't understand the depth of destruction she has caused. And probably never will. It's all still about her.

There was nothing in what she said that indicates she "is considering being with me" (in other words, taking ME back!) out of love. Just fear. Just security.

No way. I'm way past done.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1622 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Everyone,

Again, I am as ready as I can be to go through the divorce.

I have the feeling my wife is going to move in with or marry the POS.

This will be my next difficult emotional hurdle, for it is inevitable that I will finally meet or have some contact with the man who set out to and succeeded in destroying my family.

I know you will tell me that he is irrelevant. That it is all on my wife, if it wasn't him, it would have been someone else... I get that--intellectually. But emotionally, I am nowhere near acceptance.

For those in this situation, how do you deal with this? Seeing him, possibly interacting with him, knowing your kids are with him and he is doing his best to woo them, etc.

In actual situations, how do you act? I resolve to "take it like a man"--cold but cordial for the sake of my children and to remain on good terms with my wife. That "fake til you make it" approach.

Does it get easier in time?

I am just dreading it.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1622 | Registered: Dec 2012
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes AD, it does get easier. Look how far you have come from your first posts...you have already conquered things you didn't think you would be able to. You will manage this one too.

Some here are now "friendly" with the OM/OW because of the kids. Others, the boundaries are still, and will always be, HUGE. They don't communicate with the OP at all. It all depends on the situation, and how things play out. It depends on the BW, AND on the other people in the situation.

In my situation, I got "lucky" that he dumped the OW before he could introduce her to the kids, so I didn't have to deal with it with her. But my boundary was firmly in place. my XH knew that I would NEVER accept her being in my kids lives, that I thought she was a whore and scum. She would never be allowed on my property, and I had better not ever hear about her doing something to my children. I saw red every time I just thought about her.

He has now been dating a woman for about 2? Years now. I have nothing against her, could care less about her. I know she doesn't do anything to hurt my kids, I also know my kids are indifferent to her and her kids. If she were to disappear tomorrow, my kids would shrug. Anytime we have ended up in the same space, she avoids me like the plague. One time at the end of an event I ended up within 1 foot of her trying to get a good pic of my son. She turned, saw me, and RAN! She is friends with XH's sister, and I have told her to let her know that she doesn't have to worry about me. I really have no desire to befriend her, but I can be in the same space without her having to think I'm going to lose it on her. Heck, I have to stiffle the urge to go up to her and tell her she's nuts...get away from him! You should hear the way he talks about you and your kids! RUN! But I stay silent. Not my place.

Just keep going AD. You will make it through.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5513 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't look at OM as the destroyer of your marriage, your stbx did a pretty bang up job all by herself.

As to meeting and interacting with the AP during kid exchange times...
My ex-shat moved in with his stripper whore and OC. Stripper whore is my son's primary caretaker EOW. Teslet looks at her as a glorified babysitter...nothing more. She is the one with him when I pick him up. The second time this happened, I introduced myself. We don't talk otherwise. I don't look at her because she's not my focus and honestly I couldn't give a shit about her broken ass self. My focus is on my Teslet...getting him in the car and having a conversation with him.
When ex-shat is there, I never speak to him either. I don't see the point in faking something with a human being that I have zero respect for.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4658 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those in this situation, how do you deal with this? Seeing him, possibly interacting with him, knowing your kids are with him and he is doing his best to woo them, etc.

If you do what I do, every time the kids leave, you cry and whine and bitch and moan like a toddler throwing a tantrum on the floor, counting the minutes till they come back. The thought of OW/OM with the children is one of the WORST parts of this. Sorry I don't have any great advice there, just sharing my experience.. Unless you suspect any type of abuse, my suggestion is to fill your time with things to do for yourself. For starters, as suggested, box all of her crap up and put it in the garage or whatever. Maybe that's part of the reason you are having so much trouble detaching as you keep seeing her stuff around. Out of sight, out of mind. Get those daily reminders out of your face. You have no idea how much easier it will be to detach when you stop looking at all of it..

Moving the kids to a new school would just be too much for them on top of their parents divorcing. You may express that they will adjust, but I know them; they will not.

Honestly, I think you're projecting a little bit here your feelings and anxiety onto the kids. I know you are having trouble adjusting (and rightfully so), but you MUST show your kids some strength and let them know that even though some changes are coming, everything is going to be just fine. Kids change schools all the time. Kids have to go through changes all the time. Actually, people in general have to deal with change all the time. It's all about how you deal with the change. Yes, you can spend some time bitching about how unfair the situation is, but then you toughen up and do your best to adjust and adapt to the new situation.

I'm sensing a little bit of codependency with your kids here. You cannot control how they feel about everything. You cannot protect them from everything. But you can keep giving them the tools to deal with things themselves.

It's like crying infants who only sleep when someone is cradling them. You have to slowly wean them off that and teach them to self-soothe. Otherwise, when they wake up in the middle of the night, they cry and whine until someone comes in to cradle them again. They have to learn how to put themselves to sleep.

Maybe that was a dumb analogy, but I'm just trying to let you know that kids are resilient, they will learn, they will adjust, and a big part of that is showing them how YOU handle the changes.

You are going to have to share custody now. You aren't always going to be there. You have to give them as many tools as possible to handle things when you are not around.

Big hugs dad. I know this is so very hard.. On a side note about her losing her job, this is one of the reasons I was imploring you to just file the divorce already. I don't pretend to know what she's doing, but maybe she is trying to get out of paying alimony or something. She could be running up credit card debt or wasting all your savings as we speak. You HAVE to protect yourself financially already.

More and more hugs..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2249 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No remorse. No responsibility. No way.

^^^^^

I think you should add this to your tag line in your profile.

You're doing amazingly well all things considered.

I'm guessing OM won't be around to romance her much longer.

She's going to be an unemployed part time single mother when the smoke clears and he may not find that to be as sexy as the unicorn and rainbow fantasy they've been enjoying at your expense.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 9:10 AM, June 30th (Sunday)]


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17414 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone,

As the seconds tick down to mediation (my wife actually thought we are getting DIVORCED during our first mediation session), she is coming at me with everything: tears, I can't live without you, I won't be happy, I miss you, I dont want a divorce, I need my family, I've been doing a lot of thinking, on and on...

BUT: no remorse expressed until I solicited it. So it doesnt count. Plus i dont believe it. And I told her so. AND she hasn't given up the POS!

WTF? If she were truly serious about reconciliation, she would have come to me having ALREADY ended with him, and/or ready to do something dramatic like ending it on speakerphone with me present, right?

She just. Doesn't. Understand. What she has done to me. What this pain feels like.

She begged me to out off mediation and wait until she writes me a letter.

I did not agree to put off mediation.

I am so upset and angry. THIS is what it has taken (if indeed she is serious about R, which she is not since she has not gone NC with the guy)? Dragging me through hell for eight months and sending me to the point of divorce? NOW she wants to reconcile?

I am just beside myself. I just don't believe her. I can't see a future of happiness with her. I can't see her doing the hard work,sustained for probably years--while I live in perpetual fear that when the slightest thing goes wrong, she will betray me again, walking on eggshells, wondering whom she's texting, where she's going, why she hasn't returned, why she's late, whether she's silently comparing me to him, etc. etc.

Support, please.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1622 | Registered: Dec 2012
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abbondad, even if she does end it with OM tomorrow, you STILL shouldn't stop the D. It's all smoke and mirrors. She realizes you are going to do it, and she realizes her stability is going to end. THAT is what she wants back, not you. She might dump him to show you she means business...but she has to show you a WHOLE SLEW of other changes too. Do not stop the D and take her back. She needs to live on her own and show you actions for quite a while before you should even CONSIDER taking her back.

Keep going. You are doing great. You can do this.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5513 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have come a long way!

I, too, found it so hard to believe this was happening, but I decided at the beginning that I was not going to have a fake marriage. IF I had let him come back whenever he whined or threw a bit fit with squeeling tires on the driveway, then NOTHING was going to change, and the kids would have to see this over and over.

I am now divorced. That doesn't mean that IF he took it upon himself to break up with OW, get serious mental help, show me something substantial FOR A YEAR, I might think about something with him.

But he's not, and I realized one day, I am and my children are worth me being a whole person w/o all the craziness. I told them early on, that our home was their safe place from the whole world, that I knew they loved their Dad, but he was not going to come around here with all this drama. I had to call the police on him!

So, anyway, you have come so far. Keep your eyes on NOT falling for anything from WW. EVEN if she suddenly goes into counseling tomorrow. Just keep strong.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2149 | Registered: Jan 2012
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I constantly have to remind myself that my STBX didn't want a divorce. He wanted a wife and a girlfriend.

That's what your wife wants. Her husband and a boyfriend. What does husband do? Help pay for things, take care of the kids, pick up the slack, wake them up in the morning and get them to school, help with the car, help with the packages, figure out the bills, etc., etc.

What does the boyfriend do? Stroke her ego and tell her how awesome her naked breasts look through text.

I'm betting she's freaking because she realizes fantasy boy doesn't want to do everything husband does. He doesn't want that crap, and he hasn't had to for the longest time since you've just been doing it. You are ruining poor widdle wifey's fantasy world.

Screw that Abbondad. This woman has shown zero respect for you. It's all about her wants and her needs. You deserve better.


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2249 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
thenon-goddess
♀ Member
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD, I am doubtful of your resolve. I am getting the sense that you are, on some level, putting some thought in to her offer and see it as a possibility that maybe she will finally end things. Mark my words, if you put off the divorce or even give her an inkling that it is a possibility, you've got maybe a month before she's seeing the OM again (if it ever stops) and maybe a couple of weeks of sex and cuddling before she just can't go there anymore (wasn't that her excuse before)? She is a master manipulator, I'm seeing. She realizes her gig is almost up and shes shitting in her pants a little bit. Good! Let her have a taste of reality for a little bit (or a looong bit, preferably). Refer to your list and to your dream - she is not a good person! You deserve better! As far as the POS other man, let him have her. That can be his punishment. What does he get? An unemployed cheater. Failing to see how anything good for him happens there. Their relationship will self destruct and though I can't imagine a marriage ever taking place (from what you've posted about him) I don't think they be celebrating too many anniversaries, if you catch my drift. Carry on, AD. Don't let her press your emotional buttons and manipulate you. It's time for some consequences for the last 2 years of hell.


Status: divorcing
Typing on an iPhone - please excuse the typos!

Posts: 1244 | Registered: Feb 2011
k8la
♀ Member
Member # 38408
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Remember the photo that ended up in your son's hands and steel your resolve!

Posts: 159 | Registered: Feb 2013
cjonesjag
♀ Member
Member # 10617
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stay the course, Abbondad. I'm anxious to see how mediation goes with your WW....and how all the financials are going to pan out, especially now that she is unemployed (child support, custody, visitation).

"I want," "I need," "I can't live without"....it's all SO about her. She must be becoming very frustrated that her bullshit pleas and crocodile tears aren't so effective anymore.

I hope ta hell you can get through mediation and come out with a settlement that gives you financial stability rather than having to pay HER 30% of your income. Not that I don't think you will support your kids in all ways possible, I just don't want that manipulative bitch taking anything more from you.

Keep moving forward. She can always prove "change" to you later.....when you're safely divorced. It would be difficult to reconcile with a person who has recklessly killed the marriage and trampled your soul. Do not tolerate it any longer. Please.

[This message edited by cjonesjag at 7:02 PM, June 30th (Sunday)]


Me (BS):50
Him(WTFH):51 Married: 05/26/2002
DD#1: 09/2005 (EA) DD#2: 09/2006
Mini-DDays: Many. Mostly online
DIVORCED 10/20/10
It's not what you've got, it's what you give.
It ain't the life you choose, it's the life you live

Posts: 6400 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Michigan
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my god...

Had another crazy conversation with STBXWW (I know, I know) and here is the quote of the year (said angrily): "abbondad, I have NEVER lied to you or betrayed your trust."

Can anyone top that?

Anyway, I am officially detaching emotionally! Yay, finally!


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1622 | Registered: Dec 2012
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 5:27 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abb,

You're doing well but I can see that her attempts to sway you may weaken you. I know how difficult that can be.
Listen to everyone here. They've seen it all. They are right. She will say and do anything. Even IF she dumps OM, you should not treat that as a sign of her turning her life around. It's just the start. She needs at least a year to prove that she is no longer possessed.

My STBXWW is throwing all sorts of shit at me and baiting me to act like her. I nearly lowered myself to her level yesterday by not returning the children by 4pm. (I considered that if she can change the visitation rules unilaterally then I can too) My solicitor told me to play the long game and don't jeopardise my clean 'record' of being reasonable and rational. It would just feed her made up anger for me. It will all come out in the wash. Even if STBXWW turned up tonight with a suitcase and two children with tears rolling down her face and told me that OM is gone, I would invite the kids in and then slam the door in her face. I'm gonna get my finances in order, protect myself legally, be there for my children and if she chooses to sort her life out I will talk to her in a year or two.
I think you can see that your STBXWW is trying every trick in the book to get you back in line. Be strong. Message me for support if you want. I'm there for you. We're all here for you.



Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 699 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD - She is clearly pulling all the stops now. She is doing anything, and everything to manipulate you. Stop the insanity of this. She is all talk, and manipulation. She is NO action. Unless you want to count the fact that she is now unemployed.

She is simply afraid that she is going to loose her meal ticket. FTB. Seriously. Step back put it in perspective.

1. She chose to lie, cheat, lie, continue, lie, manipulate, and lie to you.
FTB

2. She has broken your family and caused such emotional upheaval to all of you that you and your kids are all in therapy.
FTB!!

3. She has made your questions your decisions as a man, a provider, a dad, a person.
FTB!!!

4. She continues to attempt to manipulate you, but her actions exhibit ZERO change on her overall behavior.
FTB!!!!

5. At this point she is really no more than a glorified babysitter, and seems to have trouble managing that.
FTB!!!

STICK TO YOUR GUNS. GET OFF THE CRAZYTRAIN!!!
You are getting stronger, and clearer each day. Don't engage her in these insane conversations. The only thing you need to talk with her about are Kids, and Finanaces, anything that strays from that, say "I'm not discussing that with you." If she continues, "Again, I'm not discussing this with you, if you continue I will hang up."

YOU CAN DO THIS!!!


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8600 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
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